Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Sunday, November 22, 2009
The basic design of this car is derived from Flintstone automobile technology. Instead of using the CO2-emitting internal combustion engines and heavy safety equipment the cars will be powered entirely by the drivers legs and will be much lighter.
Several drivers voiced opposition after the announcement this morning, citing changes to the design aesthetics of the vehicle. “The car looks like a carriage with a rag top,” said Dale Earnhart Jr. “And where the hell are they going to put my 451 sponsor logos?” He's not alone. A petition is already circulating among the sport's top drivers demanding the repeal of the new green requirements.
The fans have been vocal about their opposition to the change, complaining that they hate the design aesthetics of the car.Chance Trueblood who hasn't missed a Ford 400 race in 34 years, says he will boycott the sport if they make an attempt to implement The Car of he Day After Tomorrow. “Who cares if a few people get hurt?” says Trueblood. “Plus all this green crap is just a bunch of bullshit. The only thing I want green in my Nascar is Junior's car.”
The new car will show a big upgrade in fuel economy, compared to The Car of Tomorrow. The Car of Tomorrow increased fuel economy relative to the old unregulated car by 50%, going from four miles per gallon to six. The Car of the Day After Tomorrow will increase fuel economy to infinity because it will be powered solely by the drivers' legs.
"I know these drivers hate this idea”, says Dell Ferguson, assistant left front tire changer for Hendrick Motorsports. He says the drivers have too much to worry about as things are. Having to concentrate on their feet and legs at the same time may be too much for some of them.“They're going to have to do more physical activity than turning left for three hours and that ain't right.”
A shirtless Ford 400 fan who wishes to be known only as "Trouser Snake" said he doesn't believe that racing is a waste of fuel. "Shit, each driver only uses a few thousand gallons of gas a race. My cousin Kenny uses that much for a weekend pig roast."
Another major drawback that Trouser Snake points to is the length of races. The Daytona 500 normally takes four hours to finish. When the Car of the Day After Tomorrow is implemented, this particular race is predicted to last just under 84 hours. "Fuckin' A. That's a long race, man. And I bet they'll want more money for the tickets. It's all a scam for more money."
Long time race announcer and former Winston Cup champ Darryl Waltrip doesn't seem to mind the new cars. When asked for his thoughts on the change he responded, "Boogity, boogity, boogity!"
Story by Dudley Dawson
"I hate that man,” says Polanski, “I aint never hated anything more in my life. Following him an entire season to be sure he doesn't get a win is more important to me than anything else in my life, ever."
Polanski, who is married and a father of three, has traveled to every Sprint Cup race since the 2005 season, when his hatred begin.
As his story goes, he was at a Busch race in Milwaukee cheering on the drivers with some friends. Each had put in money, picked a driver, and Polanski chose Edwards. Edwards crossed the finish line victorious and Polanski was ecstatic. He had just won $25 and he was ready to watch Edwards do his signature victory backflip off of his car. But there was no backflip that night. Edwards had to leave abruptly due to a personal emergency and Polanski was left backflipless.
"I couldn't believe he done that to me,” recalled Polanski. “He come up to my state and races on my track – and then gets me a victory and he don't have the decency to show me some respect and do his backflip? Hell no!"
Stunned and angered Polanski quit his job and used he and his wife's savings to buy a used RV. He vowed to follow Edwards to every Sprint Cup race to personally watch him fail. He also pulled his three boys from school to bring them along.
"Initially his plan was to do it for as long as Edwards’ career lasted,” says his wife, Carol Polanski. “The best I could do was get him to agree to stop following the races if Edwards didn't win at all in a single year. I don't mind Carl Edwards and I think he's kind of cute, but good Lord I hope he loses. I've been supporting this redneck obsession for four freakin years now! Not to mention our boys haven't read anything other than a NASCAR raceday program since 2005. Our oldest will be 15 and will have to go back to the 5th grade."
While many have been against Polanski's decision to continue this war against Carl Edwards, he refuses to let up.
"I'll continue to go to Sprint Cup races every year until there's an entire season where Carl Edwards goes winless,” says Polanski. “At that point I can claim victory over him. Here we are down in Homestead with one race to go. I'm going to get this and that'll show him. He'll remember me for sure!"
Edwards had mildly successful Sprint Cup season. He had seven top five and thirteen top ten finishes and no wins this season. He made the NASCAR playoffs and will most likely finish 11th. When asked about his four year nemesis, Morris Polanski, Edwards responded:, "who the fuck is Morris Polanski?"
Story by Dudley Dawson
"If these allegations are true we'll have to seriously look into suspending Mr. Washington without pay for a few weeks," says United Airlines DEA Tim Hemmingway.
There were several signs Mr. Montana may have been over the recognized blood alcohol legal limit of 0.08. An hour before the flight Mr. Montana was seen at the airport TGI Fridays dancing on a table and singing to the song Escape by Rupert Holmes. Montana was also overheard challenging two 5 year-old boys to a game of quarters and said they could have the option to drink their juice or his beer, which he promised keep secret from their parents.
"He seemed a little out of sorts," says Wendy Paulus a passenger on board flight 008. "After he left TGIFridays he went into that golf store and began screaming 'fore' over and over again."
"He came into the airport bookstore and asked me where our porn section was," says bookstore clerk Helen Gray. "I told him we had Playboy and Penthouse but he said that shit was for 8 years-olds and he needed a real man's porn magazine."
The final straw was vomiting in the tunnel on his way to the plane. This alerted authorities. As the flight attendant explained the safety procedures he took the microphone away and asked if anyone wanted to find out why they call the front of the plane the 'cockpit'. He welcomed men or women and instructed them to knock three times so he'd know it was someone ready to "get it on."
Authorities boarded the plane just minutes before the 767 was ready for takeoff and arrested Montana without incident. As he was being taken away Montana was heard saying "If you think I'm over the alcohol limit, then you better not test me for weed or LSD!"
United Airlines canceled Flight 008 and passengers were placed on alternative, alcohol-free flights.
Story by Dudley Dawson
Thursday, November 19, 2009
“I was sooo excited,” said Kaitlyn Sherman of Noblesville High School. “I thought the line was moving awfully quickly. I mean, doesn’t a midnight show start after dark?”
Though the crowd was confused and disoriented once they got to the front of the line, Palin didn't seem to notice. She signed scores of Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart posters and generously answered several questions about vampires, werewolves and forbidden love. But, most in the crowd were infuriated over the mix-up.
“I came here to see hot guys, you know? I want to see shirtless werewolves, not watch them get shot from a helicopter,” said Catelyn Jackson, a senior at Hamilton Southeastern High School, who skipped a campus visit to Taylor University to attend the event. "I think she already saw the movie. I don't know who this Levi guy is, though. I hope she's not ruining the ending for me."
Perhaps the last girl through the line, Caitlin Rogers of Cathedral High School, summed up the confusing day the best. "Who the hell is this woman, and why would anyone stand in line to see her when Twilight is playing?"
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
The amendment, co-authored by Reps Richardson and Henry Waxman would prohibit insurers from denying coverage to thug citizens, would require coverage of bullet wounds – stray or intentional – and provide $700,000 to fund the creation of a Tupac Amaru Shakur Historical and Research Center in Compton and finance desperately needed upgrades to the Tupac Amaru Shakur Center for the Arts in Atlanta.
This late addition to the bill enraged members of the congressional East Coast Caucus who swore to oppose any bill with the Tupac Amendment. Some members went as far as proposing their own, Biggie Amendment, which would target reducing cases of diabetes in low-income areas and pledge $1 million to provide mink coats to single mothers in public housing. Few insiders believe the Biggie Amendment can make it out of committee, but it has significantly raised the level of rhetoric on Hill.
“The Tupac Amendment is an egregious assault on the rights of law-abiding Americans,” said Sen. Sheldon Whitehouse, vociferous critic of the bill. “It’s an enormous step backward for those who believe in the separation of the Player from the Game.”
Prominent Republican figures such as Rush Limbaugh and Rep. Mike Pence, also attacked the bill. Both critics have perpetuated Internet rumors claiming the Tupac Amendment will pave the way for the Obama administration’s secretive "drive-by death panels" intended to put several rounds of bullets between doctors and their patients.
Members of congress are skeptical about reaching any consensus now. “Last week I felt we were on track to fix our broken health care system,” lamented Whitehouse. “But with the addition of this amendment, we seem more likely headed towards a 2pacalypse."
Story by C. Bommarito
Sunday, November 15, 2009
In January of 2009, President promised the closure of the Guantanamo Bay detention camp within one year. As the anniversary of that promise edged closer, many in Washington had been up-in-arms over the destination of the country's most notorious detainees after the closure of Guantanamo Bay.
Speculation came to an end last Monday when Sec. of State Hillary Clinton announced that all of the prisoners in the camp would be transferred to an inactive British penal colony effective December 1, 2009. The resolution passed the House and Senate early this week with an unprecedented unanimous vote. The decision sparked elation throughout the nation's capital. "Everyone seems to be happy with it," said Sen. Lawrence Canspi, "Except for Denny."
As the Ambassador of Australia to the U.S., Dennis Richardson is outraged by the decision. "I can't even believe they expect to just drop them off in Australia. Haven't they read books? We haven't been a penal colony since 1848," Richardson explained to The Indianapoliser. "I keep thinking this is a joke. How can they possibly pass a resolution like this without consulting my government?"
Despite Australian protests, plans to close the detention camp were already being implemented. "We started moving the low-level terrorists onto boats on Wednesday," said Sgt. Paul Merckel, Guantanamo Bay's Senior Interrogator. "They'll arrive in a few weeks in Sydney, where they'll be unloaded, unshackled, and forced to fend for themselves."
The Australian Governor General, Quentin Bryce, published a letter she sent to President Obama in USA Today this morning. "If a single terrorist from Afghanistan or Iraq is dropped off in our port cities and left, with no regard for the safety of my country, we will be forced to make a military decision to prevent further transports. If we need to prevent them through the use of force, the Australian Navy is prepared to do so. Please consider this a final warning," the letter reads.
The President avoided questions related to the publication of the letter at this morning's press briefing, but Sgt. Merckel confirms that two more transports left Guantanamo Bay this morning bound for Australia. "I don't know how this is going to turn out, but at least they're not here anymore," he said. "And good riddance."
Friday, November 13, 2009
"We've had some hypotheses kicking around about the possibility of Nutella causing some weird side effects but couldn't seem to find a link, says Terrence Harmon a Peanut lab technician, after months of work we were able to put things together this past March when Brad ate Nutella on Friday the 13th."
"It got really weird with Brad that day, says Greg Moster a Peanut Inc DNA sampler, once he ate Nutella he couldn't go outside in sunlight. He kept yelling 'bright light, bright light'. Later on Jeff accidently spilled water on him and two more Brad like people formed. One even had a mohawk."
What Peanut Inc has found is each Friday the 13th coincides with a solar and lunar alignment. That combined with the goodness of a chocolate/almond spread at just the right consistency, as in Nutella, can cause an unusual bodily alteration. Peanut Inc has discovered that alteration causes side effects such as severe skin irritation from any bright lights especially sunlight, the ability to spawn several clones when in contact with water, and a craving for crystal meth if Nutella is ingested just after 12AM on Friday the 13th.
On any other date, this creamy cocoa spread can be consumed without worry of bursting into flames when exposed to prolonged sunlight or sprinting to Garfield Park to score a few hits of meth. What Peanut Inc has also found is that if Nutella is consumed on Friday the 13th, these side effects do slowly subside on Saturday the 14th. However, if one does eat Nutella after midnight, begins to crave meth, and then consumes meth, that addiction could last much longer.
"I think we can close the book on how Henry Lee Summers got hooked on meth, says Charles Alford a Nutella CSI, we have eye witness accounts that place him in his home spreading Nutella on toast just after midnight on Friday March 13th of this year. I think it's safe to say he successfully scored some meth and went on a bender until being arrested in May."
While Nutella has published these Nutella findings, they are not done with their investigation.
"We have some solid leads and we think we can link Andre Agassi to Nutella just before his crystal meth addiction, says Alford, if that's the case Peanut Inc will push to add Nutella to the list of banned substances for all major sports."
Story by Dudley Dawson
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
- All breaded foods are deep-fried in Lucas Synthetic High Performance Motor Oil.
- High food cost attributed to rare rat feces, actually imported from China.
- Most food not digestible with a blood-alcohol content below .1 percent.
- Marvin Harrison working as cashier at soda stand.
- Stadium hot dogs are only 80 percent dog meat.
- Walk-in freezers constructed from discarded Styrofoam coolers found in Blue Crew tailgate lot.
- Nachos are not an authentic traditional Mexican dish.
- Despite sales claims, Souvenir Cups do not hold their value over the long term.
- High-priced food items intended to offset rodent extermination fees.
- Edgerrin James hired to ride stationary bike, powering Lucas Oil Stadium roof-opening.
- Most mice found in stadium are run-away souvenirs meant to come free with purchase of Colts' Super Blue Nachos.
- Hand washing for food service employees is only politely suggested after bathroom breaks, not required.
- Roll-out of new food item, Go Horse! Burger, postponed indefinitely.
UPDATE - Since our initial reporting the Indiapoliser staff has learned Lucas Oil is in the process of making serious improvements to the quality of their food preparation. Mouse toilets are currently being installed in each vendor station to prevent future feces contamination.
Reporting by Indianapoliser Investigative Action Squad
Monday, November 9, 2009
Last year, Ruben McFadden, Senior GAS Researcher and Dungeons and Dragons Level 64 Elf, observed strange behavior as he examined his rarely-used comb under a microscope. “I expected to see a small electrical discharge from the static buildup,” he said. “What I found weren't protons and electrons, but particle-sized gang members in Mayan and Aztec armor.”
McFadden believes that the tiny jolt from static electricity isn't electricity at all. “I've confirmed that the shock comes as a result of these Mayan and Aztec gangs fighting each other,” he says. “When one is killed, a tiny shock is felt.”
Tim Runyon, GAS archaeologist and Civilization III expert, has been delving deeper into the mystery. He's spent the last 10 years examining dioramas in local museums and pictures on the internet. During a 2006 lecture in McFadden's grandmother's basement, Runyon stated that Mayans and Aztecs were not only well-versed in mathematics and astrology, but excelled in static electricity studies.
“It seems pretty obvious that static electricity played a large role in the everyday life of these great cultures,” he said. “In both civilizations it was considered the highest honor to be sacrificed to Hank, the God of Static Electricity.”
Then McFadden offers the bad news. “We discovered a previously unknown Mayan calendar, Hank’s Fabulous Static Electricity Level calendar. While this is a separate calendar than the one most scientists are familiar with, it does appear to point to a transformation in the year 2012.
Thaddeus LaBouf, GAS Asst. Secretary of Hovercrafts and Level 32 World of Warcraft Archer, explains that online legend tells a tale of an Aztec spy that stole a copy of Hank's Fabulous Static Electricity Level calendar started a school that taught the teachings of Hank.
“This act angered the Mayans and started a bitter rivalry,” continues LaBouf. “and the Mayans placed a curse on the Aztecs forcing them to continue the war in the afterlife as tiny soldiers.” But what secrets about the fate of man does Hank's Fabulous Static Electricity Level calendar hold?
LaBouf explains that static electricity levels will see a sharp increase between 1995 and 2010. “This is a time of intense posturing by each mini ancient gangster,” he says. “In 2010, the gangs will begin to arm themselves with much stronger weapons.”
The result of this arms buildup will have real-world effects for humans. “The static shock from touching metal after rubbing your feet on the carpet will be more like pressing your tongue to your car battery,” says LaBouf.
Skeptics have made claims against the veracity of these statements, but LaBouf points to predictions from Hank's Fabulous Static Electricity Level calendar that have already come to pass.
LaBouf points to the insciption that reads On July 15th 1989, it will be cloudy in the northwest and the ocean will have waves. “Clearly this predicted the debut album of the great band, Nirvana,” he says.
GAS's translation of Hank's Fabulous Static Electricity Level calendar claims that it will snow in northeast America on December 31st, 2011 and it will be warm in the South Pacific. “This obviously points to the final showdown between the Aztecs and Mayans,” states McFadden. “Though, what that means, exactly, is up in the air.”
Story by Dudley Dawson
Friday, November 6, 2009
The State Department and the Department of Defense were quick to praise the company’s breakthrough. “We’ve been waiting for this app since it was announced at CES [Consumer Electronics Show] in Las Vegas last year,” said Gen. Jake Turgidson. “We're waiting for Congress to approve the expenditure, but we're confident that we'll have it by next spring."
The application uses the iPhone’s built-in GPS navigation and satellite links to send real-time updates to the app’s users. “We set up the program to only show people that match a specific set of criteria: male, Middle Eastern, over 6’5”, a large entourage carrying automatic weapons nearby, and a giant dialysis machine,” said Derek Pyle, lead programmer for OFind. “It turned out that it wasn’t really that difficult.”
Blipz CEO Howard T. Duke isn't content to rest on his company's recent success, though, and yesterday announced yet another application to be released by the year's end. “I was inspired by the frustration my 3-year-old faced with his newest book,” said Duke. “Let’s just say that Waldo no longer has any place to hide.”
Thursday, November 5, 2009
The gaming component sealed the deal for leery taxpayers. Although the original plan called for funding the project with federal bonds and no use of tax dollars, uninformed voters still fervently resisted the imagined hike in taxes.
On the heels of the ballot success city officials have already chosen a partner for the project and are proud to announce Caesars Indianapolis at Wishard Memorial Hospital. Caesars’ $700 Million financial contribution for the project is welcomed by a state that is certainly in need.
"This will be a fantastic joint venture between the healthcare and the gaming industry,” said Doug Sparks, City Finance Chairman. “This is clearly a win-win for the Indianapolis community."
Construction of the facility is projected to create over 450 jobs alone and possibly more once the hospital/casino is up and running. City officials tout the financial benefits and hope the plan will also spark a wave of health-related tourism.
"We see this as a great investment,” says Stan Yavlick, Caesars Indianapolis Area Manager. “I feel we have a unique opportunity to position ourselves. We’re not the place you go for a wild bachelor party - that’s always going to be Vegas. But, if need a leg amputated and love to gamble, why not Indy?”This new hospital/casino would be the first of its kind in the United States. Currently there are several in Canada. These casinos help patients pass the long hours they spend waiting for inferior-rationed health services. Several other American cities are watching with interest to see how the new casino/hospital trend pays off here.
Story by Eric Bush
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Freaks, a cultural group identified by their funky-fresh clothing style, superb love-making abilities and proclivity towards darkness, traditionally wait for nightfall before entering wide-open spaces. Now they are taking to the streets like white on rice.
Many are surprised by the popularity of this subculture. But Dr. John Wilkins, professor of cultural anthropology at Butler University, claims it is more common than most realize.
“Trust me. There are a lot of freaks out there,” Wilkins said. “My first wife, for example, was a huge freak. They come in all shapes, sizes and colors. But they’re commonly very secretive. There’s a good chance you could know someone the majority of your life, oblivious to their freak-nature, that is – until you see them at night.”
Many welcome the freaks as a refreshing change to the early evening. Struggling nightclubs and twenty-four hour fast food drive-ins are two industries hoping to cash in.
“This will certainly help Indiana shake-off the recession quicker than years past,” said Jane Jankowski, Press Secretary to Governor Daniels. “This was one of the many factors considered by the Daniels administration before implementing the time change. Just think, this time last week, you couldn’t find a good freak anywhere. And have you heard about their lovemaking skills?”
Story by C. Bommarito
Officer Judd Meeks was first to report to the scene. He told a group of reporters that she appears to have died from acute Snuggie asphyxiation. Though the police investigation is complete, some details remain a mystery.
“From what I can tell the victim was trying to keep totally warm while using the freedom of her hands. Probably trying to work the remote, read a book in total warmth and comfort, or enjoy her leftover bucket of chicken while staying snuggly warm,” he told a crowd of onlookers outside the residence.
Meeks was reluctant to speculate how she became trapped in her Snuggie, but noted that there were no signs of foul play. “She probably panicked when her left arm-hole became tangled, denying her limbs freedom to the outside world. I suspect she suffered a massive freak-out while reaching for the chicken.”
Police could not determine time of death because the body was still incredibly cozy and warm.
A Danielle Steel novel was found on the floor near the body, but the super-slim, totally portable book light has yet to be found.
Story by Nathan Hurst
Coverage by Eric Cheek
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
"It appears that the Kentucky Wildcat basketball program has approached Kobe Bryant to play ball for them next season,” said Jerry Buss, owner of the Los Angeles Lakers. “I'm in the business of winning championships and this may keep Kobe fresh, so I'm all for it."
Buss said that Calipari targeted several NBA players during this recruiting season and has received verbal commitments from many, including Bryant. “Dwight Howard of the Orlando Magic, Lebron James of the Cleveland Cavaliers and Kevin Garnett of the Boston Celtics are all expected to start next year for Kentucky,” he said during a press conference on Tueday. “I think it’s a great way to keep these players on their toes. All of the coaches I talked to agreed to let them play college ball.”
Calipari denies any wrongdoing and said he is “appalled” at the notion that his actions violate NCAA policies. "I don't see any problem here. These players have never played a single minute of college basketball. They all still have four years of eligibility.”
He stressed the importance of an education over athletics and promises that the players will receive a first-class education in the event that professional basketball doesn’t work out as a career choice. Many of the players have already declared General Studies as their major, and some, including Bryant, began taking courses this summer to catch up with their peers.
But Calipari is not without his detractors. Tom Crean, coach of Indiana University’s basketball program, is crying foul. “This is insane. Surely he knows this is a blatant violation of the rules.”
For now, Calipari is playing coy. Despite the fact that his new recruits are among the top paid professional athletes in the United States he denies knowledge of any breach of NCAA standards. "I am not aware that these young men may have been given gifts from a third party, but I can assure you we will conduct an internal investigation and once we are finished the NCAA will do their own investigation."
According to basketball analyst Dick Frampton, this recruiting class has the potential to compete for the SEC title. “Kobe Bryant averages about 28 points a game in the NBA, and that could easily equate to 18 to 20 a game at the college level,” he wrote on his blog this week. “And I think this Lebron James kid will really push to start at point guard."
NCAA officials have yet to comment on the program’s bold new tactic and calls to their offices in Indianapolis were not returned.
Story by Tom Ace
Monday, November 2, 2009
“In the Fall, we bought a tiger t-shirt at Walmart for his sophomore year,” said Poole. “After that his anger just got worse and worse. Sometimes he’d get so mad at me that he’d punch holes in the wall.”
Harold Tzu, senior researcher for the World Wildlife Foundation published a report in the scientific journal Nature last week that suggests that there is a link between animal print clothing and aggression.
He found that 13 percent of all female students and 32 percent of male students reported engaging in aggressive behavior such as threatening or hurting others within the last year. Of those reporting aggressive behavior, 75 percent of females and 81 percent of males were fans of animal print apparel.
“The animal print, and let me be clear here – we’re talking about wolves, eagles, tigers, bears, deer and bass, provides opportunities for teens to feel less inhibited and allow them to act out animal-like aggression and delusions of power,” said Tzu.
High school teachers are taking notice. An examination of students recently referred to the principal’s office shows that 7 out of 10 of them were wearing animal print t-shirts.
"It's like it's my alter ego,” says Brian Young. "When I wear my lion print t-shirt I feel like everyone knows not to mess with me because I'm a high powered hunter."
However, Brent Morgan, president of t-shirt manufacturer USA Tshirts claims that the study is flawed and that the WWF has a clear agenda.
“These shirts have been controversial since the innovation of the classic Wolf and Moon design. They’ve never proven a link between a kick-ass shirt and teenage aggression,” says Morgan. “They’re trying to railroad us so that they have a monopoly on the industry. Just look at their website. They sell the same shirts with shittier designs – pardon my French.”
With no clear evidence on either side, parents are left to make decisions for themselves until the issue is resolved.
As for Michael Poole, his mother now reports that his anger is under control. “We threw out all of his old shirts. Things got a lot better,” she says. She is now restricting him to two animal print shirts a year.
“"When I wear my wolf t-shirt at night I can see better in the dark,” he says.
Story by Eric Bush