Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Brainard: WTF? Mayor speechless after Ballard's bold move

CARMEL -- Carmel Mayor James Brainard was speechless following the startling announcement that Indianapolis was going to close Monument Circle to traffic in August.

"Really?" he said. "I have been trying so hard to raise public opinion about roundabouts for years ­ and thought that was going well ­ but this blunder sets the cause back decades."

Indianapolis city officials, who declined to go on record, have been trying to get their collective heads out of their asses since Mayor Greg Ballard's announcement but none have been able to do so. Even the mayor has been spotted with his head up his ass and a box of tissues in his hand since his bold move.

"This ought to send a clear message to Carmel that we don't cotton to their types around here," said a beaming Ballard. "They spend all that money to build these circles and with a stroke of a pen, I close the biggest roundabout in the state ­ just like that. It's a powerful feeling, you know?"

By closing Monument Circle, Ballard is hoping to attract even more homeless people and hot dog vendors than are already there. "It's all about the green," he said. "The homeless will love it because they won't have to move for cars and the hot dog people will be able to line the streets and sell their wares to everyone without nasty exhaust fumes mixing with the smell of the hot dog water. Mmmmmmmmmm hot dog water."

Plans are also in the works for a permanent mime station, a little house for Santa and cartoonists to take up shop. There are also options out for skeet ball, shoot-a-hoop and a putt-putt course that you hit the ball into the Monument on the last hole. "Now these are businesses that will stimulate our economy," said Ballard.

"We've had requests from all over the world to open up businesses on the Circle," said Ballard's spokesperson Bob "I'd Sell My Mother for A" Buck, noting a North Korean businessman's submission for a "Squab on a Stick" stand. "People will flock to the Circle for that," said Buck. "Patrons will be able to catch, kill and cook their own Squab. Where else in the country can you do that!" said Buck adding, "this will be a gold mine."

"By adding these viable interests and businesses, the Circle will become a destination and not the destination it already is," said Ballard. "It will become Indianapolis' version of the working man's Branson, Mo.

"Getting around in and maintaining the history of the city isn't really a main priority of this administration," said Ballard. "We are more interested in seeing how much we can change the city without costing taxpayers any money."

In addition to the added income, Ballard is also pleased with closing the Circle because "it will continue to fuck up the commuters from Carmel who work downtown. Way too many people from Carmel work here and this along with closing every other major artery from Carmel, should add another 10 to 15 minutes on their their already arduous drive," said a grinning Ballard.

"This should back up traffic in the morning and at night real good," he said." Maybe they (people from Carmel) should just stay up there and leave us Southsiders alone," he said.

Brainard, who fell into a deep coma of depression after the announcement hinted he was opposed to the closing. "A circle represents never-ending life," he said. "The whole city of Indianapolis was built around this Monument so to close it is fucking stupid," he said while posing for a statue of himself to be placed in front of his new opera center. "Driving around the Circle to see the Christmas lights is a rite of passage for many," said the Carmel boss. "But now, all we'll be able to do is sit and eat hot dogs or squab on a stick. It's a waste of a good roundabout."

By Frank Bivoac

(Editor's Note: Email your city officials, boycott what you can so this ill-conceived plan doesn't happen. Closing the Circle is a Monumental mistake. It will ruin downtown Indianapolis. City officials have tried to downplay this idea since their original trial balloon was floated in the media, but don't let them know how you feel.)

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Local Mom Charged with Neglect of Hair

INDIANAPOLIS - Local mother, Deidra Willows, was arrested today and charged with neglect of her hair when she reportedly left a hair brush in her car. The woman told local authorities she had left the brush in the car for her fourteen month-old child to play with while she was out purchasing a fifth of Dark Eyes Vodka, a pack of Newports, an economy bundle of Pampers and the last remaining copy of Louis Gossett Quarterly from the local drug store.

Officer Todd Thompson made the arrest shortly after he noticed the woman walking out of an alley between Ohio and Wabash streets.

“I was on parking ticket duty when I saw a disheveled head of hair strolling out of the alleyway. After I called for backup, I escorted her back to her vehicle, where she said she had left the brush. I was surprised to find her child in the car gnawing on the brush.” Thompson continued, “I then seized the hair utensil out of the kid’s hands."

The hair brush was taken to a local hair salon where a hair technician observed the brush suffered from severe bite marks after being left with the teething child. There is no time table for when the brush is to be released back to the mane abandoning Willows.

Several onlookers tried to stop Willows from neglecting her hair before she was arrested.

“I didn’t even want to do business with that lady,” said local drug dealer and weekend parking attendant, Diggs "Big Money" Jefferies. “She came at me with that chaotic mess and immediately I assumed meth, but she was looking for that heroin. I tried to sell her a comb too but she wasn’t havin’ it. I’m a little disturbed she left a brush in the car with that child.”

Police have stepped up their efforts to control the raising hair neglect problem that has recently taken the city by storm and have reached out to local citizens to keep a look out as well. Authorities are encouraging metro Indianapolis residents to report any suspicious activity such as: children left unattended in parked cars, blatant smoking of illegal drugs in public, crack teeth, and of course piles of unkempt hair trolling the downtown area. And for their own protection police recommend citizens carry pomade.

Story by Hate Nurst

Monday, June 21, 2010

More young men observed 'Bringin the Ruckus' at Dave shows

NOBLESVILLE, IN – The Dave Matthews Band, commonly referred to as
simply "Dave," has been a popular summer concert staple for
more than a decade. The shows attract several thousand music lovers each year.
However, reports of young concert-goers "bringin the ruckus" has risen
dramatically during the last ten years.

Dave concerts started out as a gathering of young women and stoned
fraternity brothers who appreciated some acoustic guitar and long
jams. Over the years, more young men realized chicks prefer Dave over
Disturbed, Nickelback, and Cannibal Corpse. In turn, they began listening to
Dave in an attempt to get laid. However, this new portion of the male
population has showed a great willingness to break out and bring the
ruckus at any point, even in the middle of a Dave song.

“Dave music is ok," says Chet Schroeder. "The chicks
love it so I have to. It ain't kick ass like 5 Finger Death Punch but I ain't
scared to beat some hippy's ass if he looks at my woman at one of those Dave shows. It ain't Theory of a Deadman but I’m just trying to get my dick wet!”

Indianapoliser ruckusicians have found what they consider to be the
problem. As more men arrive at Dave shows it creates an abundance of
wiener in the crowd. This results in more aggressive and possessive
behavior. Scientists have tracked ruckus events at Dave shows in Indy
since 1998. The trend is moving upward at an alarming rate.

"What we have here each year is a large scale sausage fest," says
Kevin Harmeyer, Indianapoliser Senior Concert Ruckusician. "When you
see guys in an all guy environment, such as a fraternity or elite golf club, there is less infighting. Once you add a few chicks to the mix all bets are off and guys
begin fighting over pussy that, for all they know, could be covered in venereal warts. Not say'n this from experience, I'm just say'n."

Just about every drug known to man has been incorporated to aid this
growing part of the male population who attend Dave shows. These drugs
allow the males to loosen up as they try to serenade a possible one
night stand with "Jimi Thing" or "Trippin Billies." Oftentimes these
drugs are mixed or overused causing ruckus-bringing incidents.

In 2004, seven men were arrested after they each took 29 hits of the
drug Ecstasy and then gang-banged a Volkswagen Beetle because they saw
two hot chicks in it earlier that night.

In 2006, police and firecrews were called in to put out a fire at the back of the lawn that was started by four men who thought they could impress their dates by setting off a barrage of 'out of state' fireworks they purchased online. 37 people were sent to the hospital after this unfortunate incident.

Finally, last year police were called to the Green Acres campgrounds
because a naked man was running around the campsite attempting to
bring the ruckus to anyone who looked at his wang incorrectly. It was
later revealed the man had used PCP, mushrooms, and cocaine, all of
which made him quite hard to control. Ten officers, tasers, and an
attack dog were all needed to subdue the exposed brother of Sigma
Gamma Omega.

Story by Dudley Dawson

Saturday, June 19, 2010


NBA Finals were Fantastic!

Game seven of the NBA finals did not disappoint! Both teams prepared for what was sure to be an epic battle for the championship trophy. First Boston came out in green and white and scored through the hoop, but then the Lakers, in gold and purple, were able to score some buckets of their own. Kobe Bryant hit some major baskets as well as a couple slam dunks, only to be answered by Kevin Granett’s slams. A shaded Jack Nicholson watched intently when Ron Artest and Rasheed Wallace shouted and made some fouls. The whole thing was bananas really. All in all the better team won the championship when the outcome was determined by the most points scored. Just kidding. We don’t have a fuckin’ clue of what happened. Does anyone still watch this shit?

Operation Junkshot Adds Targets

The United States men's soccer team made a remarkable comeback Friday to finish with a 2-2 tie against upstart Slovenia. Down 2-0 after the first half, the American's chances of advancing in the World Cup dwindled. Then Landon Donovan scored a goal and coach's son Michael Bradley tied the game at the 81 minutes. Then the bullshit came. At 86 minutes US forward Maurice Edu appeared to have scored a goal to give them the lead. But a foul was called by Koman Coulibaly - Mali's version of Jim Joyce - and the goal was denied due. Post-game review reveals no such foul and actually shows three different American players being pushed and pulled to the ground by their opponents.

"This is an outrage," says Secretary of Defense Robert Gates. "The US hasn't been robbed like this since the Russians beat us in basketball in the 70's. We've decided to expand our BP dedicated 'Operation Junkshot' to anyone who does our country wrong. Add Coulibaly to the list."

Previously, the Indianapoliser reported on President Obama's new initiative that takes action against the BP executives. http://www.indianapoliser.com/2010/06/obama-announces-crude-tactics-to-deal.html That plan is Operation Junkshot. A new operation, "Operation Handball" will be led by former US soccer star Alexi Lalas. The primary goal is to blast Coulibaly in the nether region.

Oddsmakers think Pacers won't improve much this offseason

The upcoming NBA draft is a chance for teams to improve from the year before. Lately the Pacers tend to end up with somewhere between the 10th and 15th pick. Good enough to maybe find a role player but not enough to get a superstar. Late in the season the blue and gold had a legitimate shot at sure things John Wall or Evan Turner. Now their options include players that could be either 'ok' NBA players or complete busts. Belterra Casino oddsmakers have come up with with several scenarios for the Pacers and placed betting lines on each. Which one will you bet on?

Draft Daniel Orton of Kentucky: odds 6 to 1. This guy averaged 0 points per game his senior year of high school and 3 points per game his freshman year. Red flag and red flag.

Draft Ed Davis from North Carolina: odds 4 to 1. Injured most of last year and is expected to be a Power Forward at only 215 pounds. Red flag and red flag.

Draft John Wall from Kentucky: odds 200,000,000 to 1. Maybe, just maybe the 9 teams drafting ahead of the Pacers will forget Wall is available. (Fingers crossed!)

Draft Larry Bird from Indiana State: odds 300 to 1. Why not? He can probably still out shoot everyone on the team.

Trade pick and half the team to free up cap room and sign Lebron James: odds Infinity to 1. A Pacers fan can dream, can't they? (Note: if you place a bet on this and win, you will be provided $1,000 every hour for the rest of your life).

On the upside, they do have a winning record in the month of March!

Reporting by Dudley Dawson & Hate Nurst

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Couple regrets Godfather selection for their child

MUNSTER, IN - Kyle and Melissa Song were ecstatic when their baby boy, Graham, was born three years ago. Parenting has its challenges, but to them everything has been such a joy. Well, almost everything.

The Songs chose Gabe Wisnewski, an old friend of Kyle's, to be Graham's Godfather. But, they've had concerns over their choice ever since.

"It's not that we're less of friends, it's just that Melissa and I were trying to start a family and he started traveling for his new job," says Kyle. "We didn't realize his new job was 'coke mule.'"

The two have been friends since they were eight years old, but over the past few years they didn't see each other as much. Unbeknownst to his friends and family, Gabe took a job as a drug runner for the East Chicago division of Los Elefantes, a powerful drug cartel based out of southern Mexico.

Melissa found out when changing her son's diaper after he spent the weekend with his Godfather. She was shocked to find two condoms full of speed in his diaper.

"You know, once we found out his occupation I didn't make a big issue out of it," says Melissa. "But after the birthday gifts of automatic weapons and drugs for our son it got a little out of control. I mean seriously, I know he means well by giving Kyle and I a kilo of coke but we don't do that and we have nowhere to store that because it's illegal!"

Wisnewski has been a "go getter" in his new career and has moved up to what he calls management with the cartel. The couple has gone back and forth on the decision to replace Wisnewski after a box of grenades he sent them as a Christmas gift accidentally exploded, leveling their storage barn and seriously injuring their neighbor.

The thought of replacing him worries them for fear of repercussions. Los Elefantes is known for their over the top violent acts. For their son's last birthday Wisnewski felt a sweater given by Melissa's cousin, who wished to remain anonymous for this story, was disrespectful to his Godson. A few days later the cousin ended up in the hospital with two broken legs but refused to divulge how it had happened.

Another questionable act was after one of Graham's friends, Isaac, was over for a play date and Gabe was babysitting. Isaac pushed Graham and took his toy helicopter. Wisnewski took issue but was restrained at the time. However two weeks later little Isaac was discovered in his baby pool with concrete boots.

Added Kyle, "When we sat down to choose someone to be the Godfather of our son we were looking for someone who would show him how to play catch. Instead we landed on the Pablo Escobar of East Chicago."

Unfortunately Mr. Wisnewski was out of town on business and unavailable for comment at the time of this story.

Story by Dudley Dawson

Friday, June 11, 2010

FSS: Hooligan Edition

Conference Falls

The long-awaited NCAA major conference reshuffling began in earnest this week. On Thursday Colorado left the Big 12 to join the Pac 10, leaving both conferences numerically challenged with eleven teams each. Today, Nebraska announced they will leave the Big 12 (11) and join the Big 10(11), making it the New Big 12?

Neurotic sports columnists and loudmouth former athletes who ESPN refers to as "analysts" speculate this is just the beginning. Missouri, Pitt, Rutgers and Notre Dame are rumored to be joining the Big 10(12) as well. And Texas is rumored to be moving to either the Pac 10(11) or the NFL's AFC West. These moves have left many athletic directors scratching their visor-clad heads.

“With the addition of Nebraska and the possibility of adding Notre Dame to our schedule, we're getting the fuck out of dodge," said IU Athletic Director Fred Glass. "We can't get a bowl bid now and we play Indiana State and Eastern Kentucky! Is Conference USA accepting entries?”

These Trojans are Tainted

As expected, the NCAA dropped the hammer on the University of Southern California this week for a lack of institutional control. Their punishment will include: a two-year post-season ban, loss of scholarships, a severe pay decrease for all current players, celebrity endorsements will be limited to B-List and E! Network stars. All 2004 wins and Snoop Dogg appearances for the past four years will be vacated. Reggie Bush will be forced to date the much uglier Khloe Kardashian, and Pete Carroll will only be allowed to send third party accomplices to retrieve maple bars from his favorite breakfast eatery, Top-Pot Doughnuts. Douche bag, Lane Kiffen, will keep his title of Douche Bag.

World Cup Officials and Fans Brace for Salty Language

Brazilian soccer referees, who will officiate tomorrow's match between USA and England, were given a crash course in English curse words earlier this week. The officials need to understand when players swear at them, so they can appropriately administer yellow cards.

While American sports fans are accustomed to crass language and lewd behavior at sporting events the Brits take it to the next level, most notably in their casual use of the "C word."

The "C word" flows freely from the tooth-mangled mouth of everyone in the UK, from the orphaned shoe-shine boy or charming chimney-sweep on the street to the Queen Mum herself. But here in the States, that filthy, unholy word is hated by men and women of all stripes and used only by drunken misogynists and jilted trailer park queens in the heat of battle.

US soccer fans are recommended to watch Real Housewives reality shows and Jerry Springer reruns to properly desensitize themselves.

Good Guys

The 22nd annual Good Guys Hot Rod Nationals kick off today and run through the weekend. Hundreds of original and modified classic muscle cars will be on display for competition. This year Andy Bradberry intends to shake things up.

"I'm entering Gwen, my baby blue Smart Car,” says Bradberry. “I call her Gwen because I've given her some spunk like Gwen Stefani! There ain't no holla back girl!"

Gwen is lowered onto 8-inch tires, has chrome straight pipes to give her a louder 'humming' noise and boasts an intense battle between a unicorn and minotaur painted on her hood. Bradberry feels confident Gwen will do well in this weekend’s show competitions even though he has already been docked 15 points for entering a vehicle with an average gas mileage higher than seven miles per gallon.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010


Yesterday The Indianapoliser reported several Jersey Shore cast members fell victim to the Gulf coast oil spill when they were covered in oil while filming Jersey Shore Season 2: Miami. As it turns out, that's just how they normally look. We regret the error.

Obama Announces Crude Tactics to Deal with Oil Crisis

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Obama will meet with experts today to discuss BP’s gusher in the Gulf of Mexico, which has reached day 51. The White House staff will soon decide how to clean up BP’s mess safely and effectively while acting swiftly on President Obama's recent edict to kick some ass.

In the last two months BP has jerked an estimated 50 million gallons of oil into the Gulf of Mexico and, despite the limited success of the containment cap, the well shows no sign of stopping.

Throughout the disaster BP has tirelessly brainstormed and fed the public creative half-truths and false data. But, they have also made a few, limited, half-assed attempts to plug the spewing well. BP gave these hole-plugging attempts highly technical, cool-sounding names such as: Cofferdam, Top Kill, Top Hat, and Hole Pluggageddon.

Now U.S. Federal Investigators are launching a criminal probe into the oil company to investigate their history of negligence and failed attempts at fixing the situation. In parallel, President Obama has launched a more direct tactic.

"Today your government launched Operation Junkshot,” announced President Obama. “The end goal is to find every BP executive and give them a swift kick in the nuts on behalf of the eleven employees who died on the oil rig as well as our Gulf Coast citizens. I think after all this neglect, these fat cats could use a solid ball dingy."

Effective immediately, several sub operations under the umbrella of “Junkshot” have been kicked off. Sub operation “Bankok” will pursue the very top executives of BP with a goal of a solid nut shot by tomorrow afternoon. For this special assignment three unidentified members of the U.S. Soccer team are being flown back from the World Cup in South Africa to deliver high-powered, leg-driven shoe shots to the groin of the not-so-great polluting Brits.

“Listen, I’ll gladly take a nut knock from Obama,” said one BP Exec. “Just don’t get Costner and Cameron involved!”

Story by Dudley Dawson

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Belated FSS

Rally for Reggie

The Indianapoliser will hold its first annual telethon to raise money for a worthy cause. As reported in The Indianapolis Star yesterday morning, Reggie Wayne will skip Colts mini-camp because he is grossly underpaid. Apparently $11 million over the next two years is not enough to put a down payment on that dream lakehouse up in Cicero he's always wanted. I mean, shit, you do the math; At $5.47 million this year, that's only $341,875 over a sixteen game season. If he averages eight catches per game, that's only a paltry $42,734 per catch! How is he supposed to support a high-maintenance mistress making that kind of cheddar?

The "Rally for Reggie" 48 hour telethon aims to provide the neglected wide receive with the extra $3-4 million he so richly deserves. Forget that the last time we saw Reg he was running the wrong route and watching Tracy-Freaking-Porter strut down the sideline with our championship (Go Hoosiers!), Reggie needs us now. And only you can make it happen. If we exceed our $4M goal we'll throw some table scraps to fellow holdout Robert Mathis. And we promise no money raised will be spent on the poor, needy or underprivileged. When our community sports gods need us, we rally. Telethon details are forthcoming.

R.I.P. Coach Wooden

Legendary coach John Wooden died yesterday at the age of 99. Martinsville city officials would like to take this opportunity to remind everyone Coach Wooden was indeed from Martinsville and there are many great things about Martinsville that have nothing to do with Coach Wooden. When asked to elaborate town officials sort of trialed-off then briskly walked away.

Ken Griffey Jr. Retires

It's a sad day anytime someone simply known as "Junior" retires, it's kind of like calling a grown-ass man "Scotty."

The baseball legend decided to hang up his jock after more than 2,600 games played and 630 home runs. Earlier this week, nervous teammates drew straws to decide who would wake Girffey from his clubhouse nap to tell him the news.

Reporting by C Bommarito & Jackson Livingston

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Hilarious Office Prank Leaves Four Dead

FISHERS, IN – A giant ball of fire ripped through the MidWestern Life Insurance office on E 96th St. Tuesday morning. The incident left four dead, two others in critical condition and several in stitches.

According to employees on the scene, the damage was caused by the greatest office prank ever attempted. The explosion occurred shortly after 9:00 a.m., while most employees were still shooting the shit, getting coffee or checking their fantasy sports standings. Police and emergency vehicles arrived within minutes to find several employees still doubled-over laughing, a few of them seriously injured.

“That was so awesome,” said James Hattaway, a 21 year-old office intern, as he was being carted off to the hospital. "I don't know how many people got banged-up. But, it was so worth it. I'll tell my grandkids about that one." Hattaway later died from internal injuries.

Authorities are still investigating the cause of the blast. But, all signs point to Josh Durbin, legendary master of office Tom Foolery. His previous office pranks include suspending office supplies in jello, replacing important spreadsheets with centerfold spreads during an annual report meeting and screwing the office copy machine during the 2008 holiday party, all of which look amateurish now.

“I don't know how he pulled this one off. He must have planned it for months," said office manager Keith Adams. "Even after all the excitement, I couldn’t help but to laugh. In fact, I laughed so hard I cried. Then I really did cry, due to all the deaths, but I still ended up laughing my balls off again. God, that was classic!”

Investigators on the scene are filtering through the clues, which include: a blow torch, a charred pair of Hanes boxer briefs, a carcass of some sort of rodent, and an oven mitt still clutching a pair of Bobby Flay Locking Grill Tongs. Local beekeepers were also called in to help contain the swarms of bees coming from an unknown second floor office.

Eye witnesses have been relatively mum while being questioned on the events leading up to the pranks conclusion, only sharing a few details about the incident. Most witnesses report seeing their own eyebrows being cooked off by a bluish-red flame of light. Some even reported seeing Durbin’s ass cresting over the copy room cubicle before being blinded by the celestial glow. Most, however, have been silenced by their own laughter.

This was the most fatal office prank on record since the Hack-right Tool Co. disaster that rocked Grand Rapids, Mich. in 2007, killing three office workers and leaving several others limbless. Sadly that prank turned out to be much more gruesome than it was funny.

Story by C. Bommarito