Wednesday, December 30, 2009
The Stargate was found in Egypt in 1928 and is believed to be a portal used for interdimensional travel. "We've tried to open the portal hundreds of times over the past 81 years, but we never got it stay open for longer than a second. It seems we were missing a key," said Eugene Goldstein, senior researcher for the Stargate Project. "We received word last week that a gravel company in Indiana found exactly what we were looking for. And then we got the news today that it's been destroyed."
Larry Weldner, the owner of Star Gravel Inc. says that his workers found several stone carvings in the quarries last week and immediately halted their work to determine what they'd found. They called him to the work site to have a look and decide whether or not to continue. When he saw the hieroglyphs he immediately called the police.
Local police called the Indiana University archaeology department to assess the stones and determine whether or not they were authentic Egyptian artifacts. "When I got there I almost had a heart attack. I've never found anything more significant than an arrowhead, and these guys find the key to our evolution," said Dr. Paul Ybor, Professor of Egyptology at Indiana University.
Ybor sent photos of the stones to Eugene Goldstein the next day. And the countdown began. Within four days, the key to the gate would be destroyed.
"The day after we found the key, the company decided we needed to make cutbacks, beginning with our laborers," said Larry Weldner. "I was forced to lay off the four quarry workers with the least seniority. And now we all pay the price."
Timmy Mayes, the last worker to be laid off, had only been with Star Gravel for 19 months. He is married and the father of four young children. Records show he was two payments behind on his house and his 1998 Honda Civic was reposessed last month. Workers at Star Gravel pleaded with the management of Star Gravel to spare Timmy the pain of a job loss, but management had already made its decision.
The day after Mayes' dismissal seemed to begin like any other. Workers had moved moved the Egyptian stones to the north edge of the quarry, covered it with a plastic, blue tarp, and resumed their daily routine.
At 11:13 a.m., just as the quarry workers were breaking for lunch, a huge explosion rocked the north end of the worksite. "We just new it was Timmy," said Jason Grimes, foreman for the company. "We figured he blew up those Egypt rocks, but we didn't realize just how important they were though."
Goldstein was working in his lab with the Stargate when the call from Ybor came through. "I am in total disbelief. We were there. I mean, the next stage of evolution," he said. "Fuck!"
Mayes is currently being held in the Monroe County jail on charges of vandalism and conspiracy to destroy humanity. His hearing has yet to be scheduled.
Story by E. Goldberg
Monday, December 28, 2009
Indianapolis, IN - The Indianapolis Colts have shown very few weaknesses over the course of the 2009 football season. ESPN analysts argue that low rushing numbers and Jim Caldwell's use of rookies put an otherwise talented team at a disadvantage as they pursue their second Super Bowl title in the last four years. The Colts overcame those supposed weaknesses week after week and won every game during the regular season. Until the New York Jets came to Indianapolis and exposed a major flaw in the Colts' strategy.
"We knew that if we could take advantage of that one hole in their armor we could get out of there with a win," said Jets coach Rex Ryan, "All we had to do was hope that they bench Manning, Wayne and the other guys. That's the way to beat the Colts this year."
Other teams have tried every stategy known to professional football to give the Colts a loss but nothing had proven fruitful until yesterday. Miami tried holding the ball for 75% of the game. The Patriots tried by giving Manning a short field with just over a minute to play. Denver tried by throwing to only one player all game. St. Louis even tried the 'play dead' trick, hoping the Colts would forget to score. But everything changed when the Jets decided to think outside the box.
"We all wrote letters to Santa," says Jets Quarterback Mark Sanchez, "Coach Ryan had us all send a letter asking him to tell Caldwell to bench his starters with enough time left so we could come back."
When the Jets got their gift from Santa, they knew exactly how to exploit it. "We spent all week designing our defense around [backup quarterback] Curtis Painter," said Sanchez. "We all knew we could shut him down if given the chance."
ESPN football expert Keyshawn Johnson pointed out yesterday in his weekly column that the tape of the game is now likely to be studied and analyzed by all teams with a chance of facing the Colts in the postseason. "Everyone is going to see this. Now everyone knows how to beat Indianapolis. What an embarassment," he said.
The Jets were able to expose this hidden weakness but Jim Caldwell stated that he'll learn from the experience and play all starters for the entire game next Sunday against Buffalo. "We were aiming for a 'one-loss' regular season all along. It was one of our goals from the outset," he says.
Story by Dudley Dawson
Friday, December 25, 2009
"Uncle Kenny has a long string of crap presents," says young Isaac. "The most recent being last years gift. Seriously, Howard the Duck? A life sized cardboard cutout? What year is it, 1986? That's probably the first Howard the Duck cardboard cutout sold....ever."
As little Isaac stated, Uncle Kenny has had a long standing history of providing sub par gifts for his nephew. In 2007, when Isaac was 4, Uncle Kenny underwhelmed his nephew with a bag of socks. In 2006 he gave Isaac a Nickelback CD.
"I don't see where I'm going wrong with these gifts," says Uncle Kenny. "Howard the Duck is a classic and Nickelback rocks! I want my nephew to be a rocker."
While Uncle Kenny feels his Christmas gifts for his nephew are more than acceptable, Isaac refuses to change his stance.
"Uncle Kenny is by far the worst gift giver ever," says Isaac. "For him to think otherwise is absurd and borderline criminal. Seriously, he gave me a $10 Simon gift card last year. What the fuck is that all about? When am I going to go to the mall? Plus, with those stupid monthly fees Simon charges all I have now is a worthless piece of plastic I could potentially choke on. Oh, and by the way, Nickelback sucks ass."
Other family members are optimistic that Uncle Kenny can work his way out of the 'worst gift giver' title this year but his nephew holds little hope. He bases his feeling on the existing five year trend. Uncle Kenny feels confident he'll be able to turn it around.
"This year my nephew will be ecstatic," says a positive Uncle Kenny. "Don't tell him but I got him a paint scratch remover from QVC and a wire whisk."
Most experts believe his worst gift giver streak will continue.
Story by Dudley Dawson
Thursday, December 24, 2009
"This is the time of year where everyone slowly begins to avoid Dan," says coworker Resa Napier. "Nobody knows what he'll do each year. No one wants to get cornered during the holiday party with him. Last year, he asked every person he talked to if they wanted to see the wart on his penis. Totally ridiculous."
Dan Mathis, a Senior Purchasing Manager, has a reputation for being borderline inappropriate in the workplace. The company has promised to look into some of his antics when there's time. In an office holiday party environment, all bets are off.
"Dan is the only person that predrinks heavily before coming to the holiday party," says coworker John Howe. "And I don't mean a few beers. I mean about a bottle of Cuervo. He comes in smelling and acting like he'd just spent the previous six hours at the Elbow Room."
"Yeah, before I go to these shin digs I like to get my predrink on," says Mathis. "I usually hit the Elbow Room and down shots for about five or six hours. That gets me focused and ready for a good time!"
Because of past years holiday party 'Dan' incidents, the company has formed a voluntary security team to intervene should anything come up. A few years back, Mathis replaced all of the brownies at the desert area with hash brownies. That year's holiday party turned into a barrage of inappropriateness. Two years ago Mathis took photos of every female attendees ass without them knowing. At the end of the party he posted all of them on a wall and tried to have an office best ass contest.
"He tends to get way out of hand," says coworker Jill Akers. "I thought for sure he would get in big trouble for what he did last year. I thought some people would be sick."
What happened last year was Mathis offered to pass out refreshments to everyone from behind a waist high counter. It was later discovered that he had his pants down and had dipped his testicles in each drink before handing them to every person at the party. This made a few fellow employees upset but Mathis vehemently defended himself.
"Nothing wrong with some Party Balls," says Mathis. "My balls are pristine so it was just in good fun. Plus everyone should be blessed with saying my ball sack touched something that went into their mouth! I was sure to give a double dip for the hot chicks too. Dip, dip give, baby!!"
"What Dan did last year was probably a little over the line," says Office Manager Gary Newkirk. "I did talk to him and we have his word that he will no longer try to give his coworkers 'Party Balls' ever again."
Even though Mathis has promised to curtail his inappropriate ways at this year's office holiday party, many are skeptical. Still, there are others that think maybe Mathis has turned a corner and this Saturdays holiday party will be a nice and relaxing.
A few days ago Mathis received a large shipment of Flunitrazepam (roofies) at his office desk.
Story by Dudley Dawson
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Joshua Ramis, Vice President of Muncie Operations for IndianaMichigan Power, said today that the blackouts are being caused by massive power consumption tied to the popular social networking site Myspace.
“Ridiculous bandwidth and energy-hungry Myspace pages are being created as locals become more savvy users of the free site,” he said. “Utilizing sites like myprofilepimp.com and totallypimpedout.net, users can deck their personal networking pages with themes like tattooed bodies, Dr. Seuss, or seizure-inducing sparkling stars and planets.”
Sheila Ingram, a junior Organizational Leadership student, feels that the themes are necessary additions to her Myspace page. “I can really express myself in lots of ways,” she said. “If someone wants to get in contact with me they have to listen to a playlist of my favorite songs, see multiple scrolling photo albums of me and my friends at bars, and a big sparkling background with unicorns.”
Although officials located the cause of the blackouts, they backed off previous estimates that power for the metropolitan Muncie area would be restored by the weekend.
“Popular nightlife locales such as The Herot, Dill Street, and La Bamba’s will most likely have to wait longer,” says Ramis. “We know this will not sit well with the Muncie locals, but we’re working around the clock to get everything back up. We just don’t have the manpower to get it up that fast.”
Locals are already expressing their anger with IndianaMichigan Power and the Ball State Campus.
"What the hell are we supposed to do around here?” asks Greg Deville. “Ever since 'Armed and Famous' was cancelled there's been nothing to do except cruise the internet for funny videos of animals. Those kids at that fucking college screwed us all.”
Deville blames the Ball State students but he may be part of the problem. Roughly 51,000 permanent Muncie residents are estimated to have Myspace pages, including Deville.
Like many Ball State students, Deville designed his Myspace page with the help of totallypimpedout.net to pay homage his musical love, Nickelback. His personal page has a playlist that includes every Nickelback song recorded, with an animated background photo of Nickleback at the Grand Canyon.
Joshua Ramis says that people don’t realize that when anyone navigates to a page like that the local server drains an extra 45 kilowatts of energy per hour from the power grid. “If everyone sets up a page like his, we could see blackouts like this across the entire state,” he says. “It’s a serious problem and we need to tackle it with awareness. Simply adding power to the grid won't do it.”
A report released this morning by IndianaMichigan Power officials shows that they’d have to level Anderson and replace the entire area with wind turbines in order to generate just half of the power consumption of Hoosier Myspace pages. The answer seems to be moderation.
The Muncie outages are causing serious clashes between students and local residents. The Muncie Police Department has added an additional 47 officers to the streets to contain student demonstrators outside of Park Hall on Ball State's campus.
"Those townies should take their pages down. I’m not taking mine down,” says Sheila Ingram. “It's my right as a student to have a free page on the internet. If I have to defend it physically, I am ready to do it.”
Story by Dudley Dawson
Friday, December 18, 2009
New York Knicks President of Basketball Operations, Donnie Walsh decided to bring some Pacers nostalgia to his current team. On Monday Walsh signed Jonathon Bender to a non-guaranteed deal lasting through the end of the season. This brings together Walsh's top draft picks from 1998 and 1999, Al Harrington and Bender respectively.Bender is remembered fondly by Pacers fans for his sharp fashion sense, displayed each game from his seat at the end of the bench. He was reported to have worn a Pacers jersey at some point during his tenure with the team, but the Indianapoliser could find no records to verify those rumors.
Walsh continues to mold his team into one big salary dump to clear room for Lebron James next season. And he is rumored to be looking at other former Pacers. Primo Brezec, Rik Smits, and Eric Piatkowski all visited New York for workouts over the past few weeks. Rumors buzzed when David Harrison was spotted outside Madison Square Garden last Tuesday, but it was later reported he was only there to sell some weed. Sources close to the Knicks president say Piatkowski and Brezec are willing to play for WNBA league minimum salaries and could be on the roster as early as next Monday.
Ten Big 10 teams… ahahah! Eleven Big 10 teams… ahahah! Twelve Big 10 teams…ahahah!
Big Ten Commissioner Count Von Count Delaney emerged from his dimly lit, spider web laden castle this week to announce the conference's interest in adding an additional school. If another school is added the Big Ten will split in to two divisions and a championship game will be added to the football schedule.
The press conference was cut short when members of the press noticed Count Delaney’s reflection could not be seen in a nearby mirror. The count abruptly morphed into a bat and fluttered back into his castle, spouting off more numbers followed by his trademark maniacal laugh.
The latest spectacle in racing
The Indianapolis 500 will cut one week out of its schedule next May. The track will open one week later and qualification days will be cut in half. Pole Day will be May 22 and Bump Day will be May 23. The race week schedule will not change.
The Indianapolis Motor Speedway hopes this change will help team owners save money. But some local businesses may suffer. The 500 brings in an estimated $400 million to the city annually.
Most notably, area gentleman’s club will be adversely affected. Losing a week of race crowd patrons will certainly hurt an industry that has already been hit hard this year by the recession and the Pacers release of Jamaal Tinsley.
Colts make franchise history
The Indianapolis Colts reached soaring new heights in Jacksonville Thursday night. For the first time in franchise history the Colts returned a kickoff for a touchdown. Fans and players were bewildered by Chad Simpson's amazing second quarter, 93-yard run.
"We're all very excited," said Colts President Bill Polian. "But, it's also a bit like Haley's Comet. I wouldn’t count on seeing another one in my lifetime. This is the kind of thing fans will tell their grandkids about.”
Bob Knight lashes out at coach Calipari
Former IU basketball coach Bob Knight questioned the current Kentucky coach's ethics during a discussion with the Indiana Basketball Hall of Fame yesterday.
"There's situations where you have student athletes possibly receiving gifts from alumni," Knight said. "You can't have that in college basketball. What's next? Treating them with dignity? Refraining from choking them? Where's the integrity in this sport?"
Knight then abruptly ended the discussion by forcefully turning over the table, screaming obscenities and storming out of the room.
Reporting by C. Bommarito, Dudley Dawson & Hate Nurst
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
To brace for the holiday shopping season, St. Louis-based Cepia opened a manufacturing facility in Anderson three months ago. Inventories began to drop rapidly as the toy became a sought-after Christmas item, and the Anderson location began struggling to meet production deadlines.
"We hoped opening the new facility would be enough," Cepia National Production Manager Hal 'Bigfoot' Henderson said. "We just can't seem to hire enough people to keep up with the demand. Fortunately, we prepared for this. We recently decided it was time to launch what R&D refers to as Plan L."
“Plan L” hamsters will be packaged and sold as a variant of the original Zhu Zhu Pet. A Cepia representative said the company will denote packages as 'L,' meaning “Low Budget” hamster, or 'R,' meaning robotic hamster.
"We changed the packaging of all our Zhu Zhu hamsters to include a breathing hole," spokesman Nick Carmichael said. "This gives the 'Low Budget' product the ability to stay fresh while it sits on a store shelf."
Unfortunately, the added freshness hole has not been enough to sustain about 70 percent of Zhu Zhu 'L' models on the store shelves or inside wrapping paper under Christmas trees so far this holiday season. Carmichael acknowledged nutrients and water probably should have been included in the packaging, as well.
"We fully guarantee all Cepia products and will offer a full refund if an 'L' version is faulty or expired," he says.
As for the other 30 percent, that survive and make it to a shopper's home, consumers are complaining about the erratic behavior of “Low Budget” models.
"Zhu Zhu 'L' requires a little more care and clean-up compared to Zhu Zhu 'R" says Carmichael. "For example, we recommend keeping Zhu Zhu 'L' models away from dogs and cats."
In addition to keeping them away from pets, Cepia strongly recommends that any owner purchasing Zhu Zhu 'L' also purchase some sort of breathable storage container, or cage to house the toy when not in use.
Cepia's new production strategy has worked up some protest from several animal rights groups. Cepia assures the public this strategy is only temporary and once production of Zhu Zhu 'R' catches up with the extremely high holiday demand, the Zhu Zhu 'L' models will be discontinued and destroyed.
For more information, visit Cepia's informational site at http://tinyurl.com/
Story by Dudley Dawson
Monday, December 14, 2009
The Colts had a difficult time focusing their offense in the 2nd and 3rd quarters of the game due to noise levels and heckles coming from the sold-out Lucas Oil Stadium crowd. It wasn't immediately clear why so many fans had seemingly turned their back on the undefeated home team. Until the 4th quarter.
At the end of the 1st quarter, Kevin Sutherland, a Denver resident and lifelong Broncos fan, broke into the jumbotron booth and successfully hijacked its operations for half of the game. The regular operator was found tied up, but not injured, in the Colts locker room at the end of the 3rd quarter and Sutherland was detained by IMPD.
The jumbotron regularly directs Colts fans' excitement as the game progresses by leading them in "First Down" cheers and instructing them to be quiet as Peyton Manning and the coaching staff design and execute important offensive plays.
"I thought it was weird when the screen started encouraging everyone to 'make some noise' during the huddle," said season ticket holder Jim Harvey. "And the sponsored cams like the Smile Cam and the Flex Cam were out of control. I knew something was up when I saw Peyton and Tom Moore on the Kissing Cam."
The hijacking was immediately apparent to one attendee, but when the call came in to stadium officials, it didn't come from a confused fan or from the Colts offensive line. "The gratuitous replays of the Brandon Marshall receptions were a big clue, but when I saw those Coors Light ads, I made the call," said Howard Brenner, Anheuser Busch's local representative. "Bud Light is the official beer of your Indianapolis Colts."
Sutherland is currently being held in the Marion County Jail on charges of criminal confinement, hijacking, and unsportsman-like conduct. Calls to his home in Denver were unanswered.
Reporting by E. Goldberg
Friday, December 11, 2009
Alumni and fans are calling for Brian Kelly’s dismissal less than twenty-four hours after Notre Dame announced its new coach. Critics are quick to point out the program has not improved in any area since the hire. Most notably, under Kelly, the Irish are yet to beat Navy and have not displayed a power running game. He also has not signed any new marquee recruits. Notre Dame was not selected to a 2009 BCS bowl, even after the announcement late yesterday afternoon.
Despite criticism, Athletics Director Jack Swarbick already extended Kelly’s contract through the 2025 season after seeing how good the new coach looks in gold and blue. At post time Brian Kelly is still the head football coach of Notre Dame.
It turns out Tiger’s just a big douche after all
That fucker really had us duped. We believed he was the Michael Jordan of golf. But it turns out he’s just the Wilt Chamberlain of golf. As a society, we look to our clean cut, athlete-messiahs, like Tiger Woods, to show us the light of morality, discipline and sensible putting skills. But in reality, this sonuvabitch has been having sex with the half the phone book, like a common NFL player.
Incredible details about this Hitler-esque, sack-of-shit continue to leak out since news of his affairs broke last week. According to his wife of five years, Elin Nordegren, the problems extend well beyond the bedroom.
“He never put the seat down either,” she said. “He constantly left his toenail clippings on the coffee table, and almost never, ever held the door open for me or asked about my day. In fact, I’d say golf is the only thing he’s really good at. Oh, and humping.”
Major League Baseball Winter Meetings in Indianapolis come to a close
Sports fans have wondered for years if anything could be more boring than baseball. The answer is yes, and local fans found out firsthand this week; it’s the MLB Winter Meetings. In an incredibly predictable move, the New York Yankees spared no expense and traded for the highly sought after Detroit Tigers center fielder Curtis Granderson. Other highlights include yesterday’s conclusion to the meetings.
Feliz Blue Friday
The Colts hope to extend their twelve game winning streak Sunday at the Luke when the Denver Broncos come to town. Few fans worry about the news second string QB, Jim Sorgi is out for the remainder of the season. He apparently injured himself while taking his equipment bag out to his car after practice. When asked about the back-up’s shoulder injury, Colts’ coach Jim Caldwell responded bluntly. “Well, it’s no secret, without Peyton we’re fucked anyway. I mean royally fucked. If he gets hurt we might as well put Bob Kravitz out there.”
Granger carries on proud Pacers legacy
In the tradition of Jermaine O’Neal, Jamaal Tinsley and Mike Dunleavy, the Indiana Pacers announced this week Danny Granger will sit out four to six weeks due to a torn right plantar fascia, proving without question he is the centerpiece of the Pacers’ offense.
Reporting by C. Bommarito
Sunday, December 6, 2009
West had planned to treat his family to dinner at the local downscale family eatery on U.S. 36, after he installed a new alternator in his wife’s Chevy Beretta. Applebee's is a family favorite, thanks to its cutoff-friendly dress code, robust assortment of fried foods and hometown nostalgia-themed décor.
The West family always requests to sit at their usual high-top table nestled comfortably in a quaint corner of the sports bar dining area, underneath the photo featuring Todd's 1989 Avon High School Sectional Championship football team. Most of the servers are accustomed to his “you didn’t know you were waiting on a celebrity” routine and laugh politely. But, on this evening, family fun was nowhere to be found.
Story by Hate Nurst
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Since 9/11, the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) has been responsible for securing our airplanes and airports. Two of the most important tools they use are the Terrorist Screening Database (TSDB) and the FBI’s no-fly list.
A Justice Department official who spoke to The Indianapoliser on the condition of anonymity revealed that Cobra Commander hasn’t even been placed on the TSDB or the no-fly list. The official, who prefers that we refer to him as “Snake Eyes”, warned of the possible repercussions from such an exclusion.
“COBRA is dangerous. They’re domestic terrorists hell-bent on world domination. I don’t know how the FBI can ignore this,” says Snake Eyes. “The smoking gun may come in the form of a genetically-mutated snake-man.”
In a press conference last week, FBI director of the Northern Hemisphere, Shana “Scarlett” O'Hara explained that the FBI is working to update the lists as quickly as possible. “We’re backlogged but are working hard to include terrorists operating under the radar,” she read aloud. “In the last month alone we’ve added Destro, Storm Shadow and the entire Crimson Guard to the list.”
Snake Eyes is appalled at what he perceives as incompetence. “Here we are, eight years since the tragic events of September 11, and the FBI is just now getting around to adding COBRA leadership to the watchlist,” he exclaimed. “Justice has been investigating Cobra Commander since 1982.”
The problem may lie in the FBI itself. The TSDB is a secret list of over 1,000,000 individuals suspected of terrorist activity around the globe. The man in charge of sending TSDB updates to the Transportation Security Administration was investigated by the Justice Department in 1987 for allegedly engineering dangerous chemicals for COBRA. Dr. Mindbender was inexplicably cleared of all accusations in the fall of 1989 and retained his job with the FBI. Some believe Cobra Commander was pulling the strings.
Lonzo “Stalker” Wilkinson, R - Wis., claims the government has been corrupted by Cobra Commander’s scheming. ”There are exactly 57 card-carrying members of COBRA in the Department of Defense at this time,” he says. “Cobra Commander is well aware of operations at the highest levels of our government.”
“Stalker” offered a solution on the floor of the Senate in late December by proposing a special COBRA subcommittee under the United States Senate Committee on Foreign Relations. “COBRA leadership and sympathizers need to be identified and imprisoned,” he exclaimed as he pounded his fist to the lectern.
As he sipped a cocktail of rainwater and grain alcohol, he lamented a time when the government was not afraid to crack down on mega-villains. “Cobra Commander wouldn’t even have dared to exist during Millard Fillmore’s presidency.”
Due to poor timing, though, the Senate was in recess and only three janitors heard the fiery sermon.
At the time of publication, Cobra Commander has still not been placed on the no-fly list and is currently vacationing in Aruba.
Story by E. Goldberg
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Originally known as "John Cougar" and "Johnny Cougar," Mellencamp has sold more than 40 million albums. From 1983 to 1990, he was known by the stage name "John Cougar Mellencamp." The "Cougar" in his name disappeared in 1991, much to the dismay of his fans.
On the group, Mellencamp's son writes, "I made a deal with my dad. If I get 1,000,000 to join this group, he will add 'Cougar' back to his name." So far, more than 7,000 Facebook members have joined.
Comments on the page have ranged from supportive to critical. Users wrote the following messages on the discussion board:
"I think this is an awesome thing you are doing."
"My husband said he'll change his name too if Mellencamp does!"
"Why not just do it anyway? If you can change your name back with a million Facebook followers, you can do it without them."
"I'm not going to preach to you. You're a free man... I added 'Cougar' to my name and it didn't seem that difficult... Now I'm not nearly as ugly, and I smell a lot better too!"
"If you love your family, do it now so they don't have to put you in your grave early."
Several photos of Mellencamp on the group page show him dressed as a middle-aged woman chasing young boys. The singer was not available for comment.
Story by Jenny Porter