Saturday, January 26, 2013

Friday Sports Shorts

Luck Replaces Brady in Pro Bowl
The NFL added Indianapolis Colts rookie quarterback Andrew Luck to the AFC Pro Bowl roster this week. Luck replaces New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, who annually bows out due to unspecified injuries. 
Some speculate Brady injured himself attempting an uncoordinated karate kick at Ed Reed during the Patriots loss to the Ravens. But it's more likely he's just taking after his sore-loser coach, Bill Belichick, and would rather sit in a dark room and pout than play in the Pro Bowl. Brady refused to be interviewed after the decision, but could be spotted stomping out of the media room wearing a cut-off sweatshirt and UGG® boots.
Luck will backup the good natured, universally loved, former Colts quarterback Peyton Manning (who holds two more MVP awards than Tom Brady).

The Pro Bowl will take place this Sunday. If you're interested in watching the televised broadcast of the game, you should really, really consider getting some sort of hobby or finding a more fulfilling activity.
Chicago Cubs to Renovate Wrigley

The Chicago Cubs announced plans for a major renovation to historic Wrigley Field this week. Built in 1914, the ballpark has had only two major renovations until now.  The 1937 renovation added stairs to the upper decks. The park added lights and installed restrooms in 1988.

This renovation will add several 32" tube televisions near concession stands, VHS players will be added to the press room, Internet will be available through many open phone jacks, the stadium will add more than a dozen payphones and vendors will also begin offering soft drinks such as Tab and Slice.

No word on whether the stadium will address the out-of-control weed problem plaguing the outfield wall. 

New Orleans Changes Team Name Midseason

This week the New Orleans Hornets announced a team name change. Team officials cited a desire to come up with a team name that either related more with the city or with team owner, Tom Benson.  Benson held a private, booze-fueled, party for senior staff to brainstorm. 
Other names reportedly on the table at this social gathering were:  "Drunken Tourists," "Redbilled Woodcocks," "Floodies," "Show me your tits and I'll give you a necklace," and "Nickelback." 
The newly named Pelicans will retain this name until owner Tom Benson has another party. 

In B1G recruiting news Michigan locked up commitments from Penny Hardaway Jr., Jermaine O'Neal Jr. And Chris Mullins the VIII for the 2014 basketball season. 

More Manti!

Manti Te'o sat down with serious journalist Katie Couric for his first televised interview since Fake Dead Girlfriendgate broke. Te'o insisted that he is just very naive and dumb throughout the conversation, but also added that he is "faaaar from gay." No one is exactly sure what that odd statement means. Deadspin is trying to decide whether it means he is in fact gay or homophobic as their around the clock Te'o coverage continues.

Friday, January 18, 2013

Friday Sports Shorts

Armstrong Nuts Up and Comes Clean

Professional liar and former cyclist, Lance Armstrong, admitted to faking cancer this week. Armstrong told Oprah Winfrey in an exclusive interview that he injected his testicles with cancer to gain access to hospital meds and banned performance enhancing drugs while in recovery. It was all part of his broader, maniacal scheme to dupe the cycling world, gain lucrative endorsement deals and embarrass the French. He also took a moment to plug his new LIESTRONG bracelet, all proceeds from which go to support disgraced former athletes.

Te’o Linked to More Fake Dead Girls

Devout moron, Manti Te’o, is being called the Wilt Chamberlain of fake dead Internet girls after admitting earlier this week to dating more than 10,000 dead women from the Internet and fathering a dozen fake Internet children while at Notre Dame. Teammates claim Te’o frequently bragged about his swagger with the ladies on the web, but never got the chance to meet them in person because they were always either visiting family in another state, modeling in Europe or living in Canada. But, teammates were assured these ladies were all very, very real and like, super hot. But, one by one, they tragically died before friends got the chance to see them in person.

“I’m a little relieved to be honest,” said Brian Kelly, Notre Dame head coach. “All these girls ended up dead, I just assumed he was some sort of psycho killer. This is much better.”

Investigators are now looking into whether or not Manti Te’o’s grandmother ever actually existed.

Indianapolis Gets a Minor League Team for a Minor Sport   

Dozens of local soccer fans celebrated the news that some league will bring a professional soccer team to Indianapolis in 2014.

Soccer, played mostly by children in the United States and adults in Europe, the developing world and other lesser places is a game that involves pointlessly running around a field for 90 minutes. Occasionally the ball is kicked into a net resulting in a “goal.” The game is much like hockey, in that no one really cares about it.

If you’d like to play in this league you must sign-up before season registration ends on March 1. The league is also looking for local moms with mini-vans to drive the team to road games.

Arians Dumps Colts, Picks Birds Over Bolts

Indianapolis Colts Offensive Coordinator Bruce Arians just signed on as the Head Coach for the Arizona Cardinals. Arians was a front runner for jobs in Chicago, Philadelphia, and San Diego. Sources say he passed on the Chargers job in favor of the Cardinals, despite San Diego’s larger talent pool. 

“The interview went well with Tom (Telesco),” said Arians. “They have a lot of special players there and I think they are on their way up. But, then I met Philip Rivers face to face. Holy crap, what a douchebag. You can’t pay me enough money to be in the same town as that ass hat. I’d rather take over a team where I have to post tryouts for a QB rather than tutor him!”

Brian Kelly Weighs All Options

After Notre Dame’s tough loss to Alabama in the BCS National Title game, Brian Kelly immediately went a week long whiskey bender. Rather than saying goodbye to his seniors Kelly ripped through four bottles of Jamison and was found in Philadelphia by the Notre Dame Athletic Department interviewing for Eagles head coaching position.

“I’m under contract with Notre Dame for a few more years but there’s nothing wrong with unzipping my pants to see if anyone else is interested,” said the drunken Irishmen. “I don’t give a fuck where or what I coach!” Kelly then blacked out.

It’s been reported that Kelly slept through a second interview with the Eagles that had been scheduled last Saturday morning.

After the initial interview Kelly left the country, going on a week long whiskey and beer tour. He was seen in England, Vancouver and Los Angeles interviewing for various coaching positions.

Saturday afternoon Kelly awoke at his desk in the Guglielmino Athletics Complex, where he chased two Advil with some Coors Light and announced he was staying at Notre Dame

ESPN filing lawsuit against Redskins and NFL for playoff field conditions

ESPN officially filed a lawsuit against the Washington Redskins for their field conditions prior to the Seahawks/Redskins game. The lawsuit claims the Redskins field negligence directly led to Robert Griffin III’s knee injury and lost the game for the Redskins.

“Now, without RGIII in the playoffs we have to show highlights of other teams we just don’t care about,”  pouted ESPN morning host Mike Greenberg. “RGIII is the greatest to ever play football and we have to be able to show highlights year round. Its just not fair!”

With RGIII and the Redskins out of the playoffs, ESPN would like the NFL to award all positive playoff statistics of remaining quarterbacks to RGIII.  For example, they would like to see the three touchdowns Joe Flacco tossed in Baltimore’s win over the Broncos tied to RGIII instead of Flacco Regardless of who wins the Super Bowl, ESPN would like the championship tied to the Redskins so they can start calling RGIII a Super Bowl Champion.