Loss of Clint Session may be real key to Colts downfall

The Indianapolis Colts announced Peyton Manning's latest neck surgery has finally worked. A small sigh of relief could be heard from the W. 56th Street complex as far as Mooresville. However, as the star quarterback works himself back into Hall of Fame form one question remains. Can Clint Session still help the Colts? Unfortunately, the answer is no.

The talk surrounding the Colts' downfall this year has centered on Manning. But the reason the Colts have fallen so hard this year isn't due to the lack of strong QB play, coaching or talent evaluation. The downfall has come from the massive suck-hole left behind from the absence of Clint Session. Many believe he left the hole there on purpose.

The Colts are dead last in defense. This is due to the defensive players being distracted by the sucking noise coming from the core of the Colt defense. Former defensive coordinator, Larry Coyer, was afraid to be aggressive and blitz for fear he would lose one of his players to this black hole coming from the center of the d. Ever since Session left the Colts, shot Osama Bin Laden dead and decided to lead Jacksonville to the fourth best defense in the NFL, there has been discussions to hand the league MVP trophy over to Clint Session.

Session, the one player in the league to sack Tom Brady and Aaron Rodgers at the same time, denied reports that he intentionally left the suck-hole in the Colt defense. He also said he had no use for the league MVP trophy, as he already has twelve neatly displayed in his beard.

So while some good news on Peyton Manning has come to light, the Colts front office needs to address the massive suck hole that Clint Session left. As of right now they are stating that there is nothing to worry about and this suck hole is simply a correctable error.

Occupy Movement Engulfs Area Malls

The Occupy movement has grown exponentially in the last 24 hours, expanding its reach to shopping centers across the nation. Several area malls have become occupied overnight.

Many occupiers had planned on demonstrating outside of shopping centers in hopes of disrupting normal Black Friday shopping activities. But a transformation happened once they assembled.

"What we have here is an equal distribution of savings," said occupier Rebecca Hephner. "Pepper spray couldn't keep me from this half price Keurig."

Fed up with the 1 percent, Hephner came downtown after spending Thanksgiving with her family. She wanted to participate in the growing movement and vowed not to support the crass commercialism that helps the One-Percenters boost profits, until she saw the Black Friday Special sale on jeans at Forever 21.

"75 percent off, are you kidding me?" stated a stunned Hephner "I'll make my voice heard later, wait til you see my poor ass in these!"

Similar instances have occurred across Central Indiana. Jeff Pikus intended to occupy in Greenwood.

"I showed up today to make my voice heard and fight against the unchecked derivative trading fueling irresponsible speculation on Wall Street." said a defiant Pikus. "But check out these insane, low, low prices on flat screen TVs! $100? I'll take three."

Other occupiers didn't allow the temporary deals to distract them. Sam Hawthorne used it as a tactic to fight back against the enemy.

"Those crooks on Wall Street should have taken advantage of the Doorbuster sale on Isotoners blowing up over here at JCPenney," stated a plotting Hawthorne. "Instead they decided to put their hands all over that filthy bail-out money. So guess what? I'm 99 percent sure their hands will all freeze this winter because I just bought all the Isotoners in Plainfield!"

Police have been called into several malls and used pepper spray to tame unruly, defiant shoppers in a few areas. Several middle-aged women turned on security at the Avon Target store. The guard inadvertently stepped in between the women and a display of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3. One mother of three, who was visibly hopped up on egg nog, had to be tased seven times after beating a man unconsious for not handing over the last American Girl doll.

Crazy Man Demands Festivus Rights

An unknown, but clearly crazy-ass man, stormed the Indiana War Memorial and started a stand off with police this afternoon. Pridefully brandishing his modestly hairy, bare chest, draped in Old Glory, the man appeared to be holding a Festivus Pole. One could only speculate he was demanding the holiday be given equal status to Christmas and whatever other fake holidays people celebrate.

Festivus, a holiday that discriminates against no man, is observed on December 23. The holiday is celebrated with the Festivus Pole, an aluminum rod with no decoration. Airing of Grievances and the Feats of Strength are also traditions practiced during Festivus. Clearly a holiday.

The crazy-ass man, standing with what looked like a large plus sign behind him, was lashing out at passers-by for the less-than-stellar year he had. Many ignored his foul-mouthed tirade until he started flinging his own feces. IMPD quickly intervened and subdued the man. The Festivus loyalist put up a brief fight, but there was no Festivus miracle this day. In total the standoff lasted two hours.

Story by C. Bommarito

Colts offense unable to get going as they fall to Bye week, 31 - 6

Not again.

The Indianapolis Colts lowered the bar again Sunday at Lucas Oil Stadium, when their desperate quest for the first victory of a difficult season was reduced to a more urgent and fundamental mission:

Correct those correctable errors.

The Colts managed 143 net yards and a couple Adam Vinatieri field goals while being shut down 31 - 6 by a team they should have easily beat. The Bye Week was previously winless all-time.

The Colts offense hasn't scored a touchdown in the past three games which is something they admit they need to refocus on.

"Typically you're looking to score touchdowns and we just haven't focused on doing that," conceded quarterback Curtis Painter. "We get so bogged down trying to work that huge list of correctable errors, coach and Dear Leader Polian talk about, we just forget how to play football."

Painter passed for 64 yards and 3 ints and was replaced by Dan Orlovsky who went for another 12 yards and an int. Orlovsky was then replaced by Pat McAfee who led the Colts on a game ending 10 play 55 yard drive for Vinateri's second field goal.

The Colts seem unable to stop the interception bug. Somehow, even guard Mike Tepper managed to throw one in the 2nd quarter. Painter has shown major signs of regression causing some to wonder if the Colts would make a permanent QB change.

Coach Jim Caldwell didn't sound like a man contemplating a more permanent change.

"I think this is certainly going to be one of those tough games to evaluate when you look at all of the things," Caldwell said. "Curtis probably didn't get as settled as we'd like, and we allowed pressure to get to him on just about every single play. Fortunately I think those are correctable errors so we'll keep at it and I know eventually it'll lead to a 'W'. As far as changing from Painter to Orlovsky or McAfee or Tepper, I'd say right now we're sticking with the guy that got us here."

Caldwell was asked if he could define the correctable errors and if the Colts had actually corrected any of them this season.

"I'd say right now we are evaluating those and don't want to divulge any intellectual property of the Colts to other teams. I can tell you we've incorporated Lean Six Sigma processes that have shown success in the automotive industry. That's led us to really come up with outside of the box type ideas, like where we decided to start punting on 3rd down. I really think strategies like that will keep our opponents on their toes and eventually pay off."

The Bye week (1-110) took advantage of six takeaways and repeated Colts mistakes. Bye Week ran 42 times for 235 yards and 3 touchdowns. Also Bye Week threw 21 - 23 for 312 yards and a touchdown with one interception.

"We won the turnover battle and ran much better than they were able to," Stated Bye Week. "Its always good to get a victory on the road against any opponent."

Typically the NFL does not count Bye week wins and losses towards a teams final win total. However they've decided this one will have to count. What this means is if the Colts continue to lose out, they will finish the season 0 - 17 rather than 0 - 16. After the game Bill Polian was quick to remind everyone that everything was under control.

"Remember, you're never are as bad as you look when you lose and you're never as good as you look when you win," said a content Polian. "We just have to go back and work on correctable errors. I know Curtis threw a couple of interceptions today but really this is the first game where he's thrown multiple picks so that's not going to happen every time. Plus, you all have got to see him in practice. I mean, he's really the next Peyton Manning when we do 7 on 7 drills, nobody is allowed to hit him, and the opposing 7 players are just stationary tackling dummys."

Next week the Colts will take on Cam Newton and the Carolina Panthers.

Friday Sports Shorts

New Contract Allows Peyton to Drop the "Awe Shucks" Routine

Quarterback Peyton Manning signed a five-year, $90 million contract late last week. According to sources Manning turned down a much larger offer and held out in order to work in a clause which lets him finally be himself.

"I'm sick of this goddamned nice guy routine," said a five o'clock shadow wearing Manning. "It's time I loosen the fuck up a little and tell shit like it is, hombre."

Teammates noticed an immediate difference in Manning when he pulled up to training camp on his Harley Dyna Wide Glide motorcycle, arms covered in tattoos. He was prepared as ever, but spent his first 20 minutes of camp throwing empty bottles of Old No. 7 at Curtis Painter and Nate Davis while they took snaps with the first team offense. “That’s Mario Fucking Williams on a blitz and now you’re dead,” yelled Manning from his lawn chair.

Manning has also left long-time lucrative sponsors Reebok and Gatorade. His agent is currently in talks with Redman smokeless tobacco and Smith & Wesson.


An Open Letter to Clint Session, From the Indianapoliser Staff

Dear Mr. Session,

You stole our hearts, and promptly ate them. You will be missed, O Bearded One. Your exit from the Colts hits us hard, just like how we used to dream of being tackled by you on a fourth and short, with you ripping through our torso, looking past us with a maniacal glare, like we weren’t even there. Those dreams were happy ones. Your departure is not.

They won’t love you like we did. They won’t lay your 55 jersey on the driveway and jump off of the roof of the house, landing on it, man breast first, just to feel what it may have been like to get hit by you. They won’t put nickels in the eyes of their passed out drunk friends and tape a sign to them proclaiming “Clint Session laid my ass out!”

Do you think those abnormally white Floridians in Jacksonville will talk about you like this? Probably not.

• It’s always sunny wherever Clint Session goes, because the sun never sets on a baddass.
• Clint Session can believe it’s not butter. Always has.
• Clint Session is so cool he has his own theme music that follows him around, performed live by the Wu Tang Clan - including ODB!
• Some regret that they have but one life to give to their country. Clint Session has ten lives and regrets nothing.
• • Behind every successful man there’s a woman. Behind every unconscious running back there’s Clint Session.
• Clint Session doesn’t tackle. He provides near death experiences.
• Clint Session would be on the FBI’s most dangerous list, if he wasn’t our nation’s greatest defense.
• Clint Session’s beard could provide clothing for all the homeless children of the world. Too bad he never shaves.
• Snapped necks far outnumber snap counts when Clint Session is on the field.
• There is no chin under Clint Session’s beard. Only another beard, covering a fist.
• Last year, after a playoff game, several Colts players pissed their names in the snow. Clint Session pissed his name in the concrete.

So long old friend. Every time we see the 55 clad Ernie Sims smearing running backs onto the turf we’ll secretly be thinking of you.

Wishing you a minor injury when you play the Colts,
-The Indianapoliser


Lieutenant Moses Hightower Passes Away

Lieutenant Moses Hightower died of natural causes this week. The retired officer is best known for his detective work in "Police Academy 1", "Police Academy 2", "Police Academy 3", "Police Academy 4", "Police Academy 5" and "Police Academy 6". Lt. Hightower ultimately hit a crescendo in "Police Academy 7; Moscow Nights", where he successfully detained three Russian mob members at once with a bear hug until reinforcements could arrive.

“Hightower was a gentle giant. I don’t even think he carried a gun,” revealed Carey Mahoney, former graduate of Police Academy and friend of Lt. Hightower. “His weapon of choice was a soft-spoken voice and oversized sledgehammer shaped fists. Those fists made for some interesting nights at the academy”

A noted civil rights advocate, Lt. Hightower was briefly dismissed from the Police Academy after a brave act of civil disobedience, standing-up to cadet Chad Copeland who used a racial slur to insult Hightower's friend and fellow cadet Laverne Hooks.

Lt. Hightower also had a brief career portraying Bubba Smith, a defensive standout at Michigan State University, who was drafted as the number one overall pick in 1967 by the Baltimore Colts.

Friday Sports Shorts

Rain Dominates at 500 Practice

The Rain took advantage of long practice days to work all week, making the most of the final few minutes of Wednesday's session to prevent competition from entering the track in preparation for the next week's Indianapolis 500.

“We created a perfect environment today. We were able to execute our race setup and we are finding a good balance,” said Team Rain Owner, the Lord, who has claimed three days of dominance in the first four days of the season. “At the end of day we trimmed out a bit and were fortunate enough to get a big NW wind at the right time. It was great to get on track and give all the fans something to see and maybe extended their noon-time beer drinking.”

"Getting the drops right, getting the wind right, getting the Earth set up for the humidity, it's really a nightmare," said The Almighty of the work not yet done. "But we have to concentrate on qualifying now."

The Rain hopes to challenge history and show up for the 100th Anniversary race on May 27. The Rain had strong showings in 2007, 1997 and 1986.

HBO show ‘Hard Knocks’ coming to Indy

If there is an NFL training camp, the popular HBO show Hard Knocks plans to draw in millions of viewers once again by showcasing the Indianapolis Colts.

Hard Knocks producer Donald King explained his decision to feature the Colts. “We wanted to really build on the success that the Jets gave us last year. The Indianapolis Colts are a dynamic team and management there has laid out a few ground rules that are a bit different from the Jets, but we think it’ll still be a great show.”

The producers have been provided several rules to follow but still think they can piece together a compelling story of this team. The rules are as follows:

• No practices are to be filmed, period. B-roll footage of fans dressed in Colts jerseys, running routes in the parking lot may be used.
  


• Divulging the location of practices is prohibited. No filming of players arriving or leaving said location.



• Filming of players standing in between practices is allowed but all players’ faces must be blurred



• All jersey numbers must be blurred out.



• Any strategic conversation that happens to be filmed must be edited over with a Korean discussion on the benefits of baking vs. grilling.



• All Hard Knock’s employees are not allowed within 50 yards of Peyton Manning.



• Peyton Manning may not be the focus of any camera angle.



• Pat McAfee and Pat Angerer will be made available to film when they head to the bars in Broad Ripple.



• Should Peyton’s wife and children arrive at the facility for a visit, all Hard Knocks crew members will be escorted off the premises immediately.
  

“With these simple rules in place I think it’ll be a pretty good show," wrote Colts QB Peyton Manning, on a wadded up cocktail napkin from Rick's Boat Yard, which was hand delivered to the Indianapoliser with a return address of a P.O. box number that had been scratched beyond recognition. The delivery boy chewed a cyanide capsule and died two minutes after the note reached its final destination.

Cubs GM Jim Hendry puts out feelers

A warm embrace between Cubs GM Jim Hendry and Cardinals first baseman Albert Pujols garnered considerable media attention last week. Many believe the hug was an extension of Hendry’s courtship of the soon to be free-agent.

Hendry’s inappropriate touching, however, is nothing new when it comes to the pursuit of free-agents.

Over the winter Hendry was seen fondling Prince Fielder’s ample bosom as he talked up the Cubs organization and the city of Chicago.

Many speculate Alfonso Soriano experienced a lack of speed when he received permanent damage to his lower extremities while negotiating with the Cubs. Hendry was seen administering continuous butt grabs to Soriano during talks.

Both Hendry and Pujols insist the hug was nothing but a greeting between really truly extremely good friends.

Reporting by C. Bommarito, Dudley Dawson & Hate Nurst

5-21-11, Boy promises 'torment' on cookie jar

Indianapolis - Saturday, May 21, Christopher Thorton will return to the cookie jar to judge his sinful morsels.

This is not the first time little Christopher plunged his mighty fist into the ceramic container of chocolate chip cookies, reviewing each cookie’s chip count, and then invoking rapture, down his throat. The rest are left behind and crushed by his stout fingers.

“He does it every Saturday morning,” said Ellen Thorton, Christopher’s sister. “Mom gets the groceries every Friday night and Chris raids the cookie jar when she goes to yoga on Saturday morning.”

Christopher, however, believes it is his duty to “save” the cookies.

“I remember when we went to church and they read a passage, and it said, ‘Above all, you must understand that in the last days scarfers will come, scarffing and following their own evil desires. They will say, where is this ‘cookie’ he promised?’ So I eat these cookies before the scarfers take hold of the jar.”

Rumors of Christopher’s four fingers of the cookie apocalypse have spread throughout the neighborhood yet no one outside of the Thorton home has witnessed the ruination of the cookie jar.

“I’ve heard each finger is a symbol, representing pestilence, war, famine and death to the cookies,” described one of Christopher’s neighbors, whom wished to remain anonymous; for fear that Christopher would thrust his chubby hand through the wall and rein down judgment on his own stash of cookies. “May God have mercy on the forsaken cookies left behind.”

Christopher’s sister, Ellen, knows the end is near. This is why she always sneaks five chocolate chip cookies each week, the night before they go into the jar. She hides them in her room, so her brother may not elect the cookies to his own personal belly of Heaven, and savors the cookies throughout the week.


Story by Hate Nurst