Police discover pattern to murder-suicide cases

INDIANAPOLIS, IN - Local police made what they are calling a "startling discovery." A team of four criminologists, funded by the federal government, have been attempting to find trends in murder-suicide cases for the past fifteen years. After their long, painstaking research they have been able to connect some dots when it comes to these tragic cases.

"We've found in most murder-suicide cases the person who is murdered dies before the person who commits suicide," says Criminologist Jim Joneswell. "This is huge. I only hope this breakthrough information will help prevent a portion of these crimes."

The team has studied over two hundred murder-suicide cases since 1995. In the beginning each member of this research team admits difficulty piecing together the puzzle toward a final conclusion. After much perseverance and over a decade and a half of work, the group is enjoying the fruits of their labor.

"This gives us a huge sense of accomplishment," says Criminologist David Karush. "A lot of hard work was done to get this major find. If what we discovered can help law enforcement get in the mind of someone who's committed a murder-suicide and prevent them from doing it again, then we've done an amazing thing."

Story by Dudley Dawson

Friday Sports Shorts

Saints Coach Persistent in Riding Cowboys Owner

Last week New Orleans Saints coach Sean Payton made news by convincing a waiter at St. Elmo’s Steakhouse to serve a bottle of wine to his party, which had been reserved for Cowboys Owner and GM Jerry Jones. The next day Jones’ party arrived to find the empty bottle on their table with a note on the label that read, “WHO DAT! World Champions XLIV, Sean Payton”

Apparently, the taunting did not stop there. While leaving Indianapolis, Payton and his party boarded the Cowboys private jet and convinced the pilot to take them to Dallas. While in-flight Payton again wrote “WHO DAT!” on the bathroom mirror with an arrow pointing to an un-flushed mess in the lavatory. Jones’ personal limo driver was then convinced to take Payton to the Jones estate where the Saints coach slept with Gene Jones, Jerry’s wife. Jerry returned home to find a brand on Gene’s fancy ass reading, “WHO DAT! World Champions XLIV, Sean Payton.” Jerry had a huge laugh out of the whole ordeal, as he loaded his pump-action Winchester shotgun.

Manning’s Neck

Wednesday the Colts announced four-time league MVP, Peyton Manning, had surgery to fix a pinched nerve in his neck. The surgery should not affect Manning’s offseason workouts. Manning planned the neck surgery after he experienced some choking discomfort early last month.

Indianapoliser College Basketball Championship Week Predictions

BIG TEN CONFERENCE

Ohio State odds to win: 3 to 1.
Picking the Buckeyes sort of makes you vomit in your mouth a little, but they have the best starting five in the conference.

Purdue odds to win: 10 to 1
The Boilers lost star Robbie Hummel, but they are still an impressive team. However, if Johnson and Moore are both off, they are capable of losing a high school 3A sectional game.

Indiana odds to win: Same odds as being bitten by a great white shark while walking on the moon.

HORIZON LEAGUE

Butler odds to win: 3 to 5
Butler is a dominant conference stand-out this year. The Dogs have not lost a conference game this season, although, this tournament usually produces its share of nail-biters.

Wright State odds to win: 5 to 1
They always play Butler tough. And they are the only other school, in this light-weight conference, that resembles a DI team.

Valparaiso odds to win: Can Bryce Drew play?

SUMMIT LEAGUE

IUPUI odds to win: 3 to 1
Great squad, but plagued by inconsistencies, for example they torched league leading Oakland in a statement game only to lose to the freaking IPFW Mastodons the next game. They have what it takes to win and should head to the Big Dance (where they will, unfortunately, be trounced by a #1 seed).

Oakland odds to win: Who cares, hopefully IUPUI gets back to the tournament.

IPFW odds to win: Same odds as finding ten people in Bloomington who don't think Dane Fife is a total douche.

Big Ten Teams Consider Star Wars Themed Mascots

Big Ten teams have started to contemplate a change to the popular Star Wars themed mascots after Ole Miss’ recent failed attempt to modernize their mascot to Admiral Akbar, leader of the Rebel Alliance.

Indiana University, which currently does not have a mascot, is entertaining the idea of using a Taun Taun for their mascot. This would allow for IU athletic teams to slice the mascot open and hide safely inside the belly while the opposition administers a beat-down.

Purdue has made arrangements to test their Death Star mascot during the Big Ten and NCAA tournaments. After a successful season, in which they easily reeled in their opponents and pummeled them, the Boilermakers will likely meet their maker as an adversary penetrates their defense, creating the routine explosion that typically ends Purdue’s seasons.

Michigan, quick to jump on the bandwagon, hoped to change their mascot from a Wolverine to a Wookie. However, cash-strapped Michigan officials had to lower their sites to the more budget-friendly Ewok.

Reporting by C. Bommarito, Dudley Dawson & Hate Nurst

Half of Indy area Toyotas are faulty!!

Obituary
Purdue University Final Four Hopes

Purdue University’s 2010 Final Four Hopes passed away Wednesday February 24, 2010 in Minneapolis, Minnesota. The Final Four Hopes were almost three years old. Purdue held the Big 10 Conference lead with 3 games left in the regular season and was ranked 3rd nationally. Accomplishments include: a 24-3 record, Virgin Islands Invitational Championship, four wins against top ten-ranked opponents, road wins at Ohio State University, Michigan State University, University of Illinois, and Indiana University. Purdue’s Final Four Hopes are survived by the Final Four Hopes of Wisconsin, Ohio State, and Michigan State. Final Four Hopes for Michigan, Iowa, Indiana, Northwestern, Minnesota and Penn State passed earlier this basketball season. A memorial service will be held at Harry’s Chocolate Shop on Selection Sunday March 14, 6:00 P.M.

Ed note: This is the 30 year anniversary of the Miracle on Ice. Purdue fans, do you still believe in miracles?

NFL Combine comes to town

Once again the NFL scouting combine has donned its presence on the City of Indianapolis. Hundreds of potential NFL draft picks will be poked, prodded, ground up into tiny chunks, reduced to a pulp, mashed back together, kneaded and finally cooked until they meet a certain teams preference. Beef that does not attain grade “A” quality will be discarded and re-circulated back into the general population. But before any of that happens the State Board of Health has been called to Lucas Oil Stadium to inspect the mass quantities of beef for traces of rat feces.

Pacers Sign Local Athletes

The Indiana Pacers have struggled to put the fire back in their offense since trading the rambunctious Ron-Ron Artest, Jamaal Tinsley and Stephen Jackson. Fans worried when the Pacers let the NBA trade deadline pass without making significant changes last week, but team officials believe they have found answers in nearby Carmel.

Several Carmel High School basketball players were disciplined this week for a “bullying incident'' involving and two freshmen during a bus ride from Terre Haute on Jan. 22. The Pacers jumped on the opportunity to sign these athletes to multi-year deals. The team credited towel boy Josh McRoberts for his scouting work at CHS.

Changes Coming to the 2014 Winter Olympics

Yesterday the International Olympic Committee announced several event changes for the 2014 Sochi Russia Winter Olympics.

Instead of skiing and jumping on separate occasions, participants of the Nordic Combined event will perform ski jumps while traveling the 10 km course, target shooting between jumps.

Another controversial change is the addition of a 40 ft. jump to the Skeleton event. Participants will complete a jump at 80 MPH land back on the track, and continue down to the finish line.

Ice Dancing will also be combined with the obscure Canadian sport, “Hockey.”

Reporting by C. Bommarito, Dudley Dawson & Hate Nurst

Ballard Battles Brainard; Indy Threatens to Secede from Carmel

INDIANAPOLIS, IN -- Upset Carmel is attempting to steal away Indianapolis' fine arts with the construction and opening of the Palladium, Mayor Ballard has vowed to stop all commerce between the two cities.

Ballard, and his corps of engineers will close all main arteries between the two cities. The formerly covert project has already begun with the closing of the bridge over I-465 at 96th and Rangeline Road this month. The second dagger was the closing of the bridge over 465 on River Road. To further complicate matters, Ballard has also restricted traffic at Keystone Ave. and I-465.

"This should send a clear message to Carmel that if they want to play hardball, two can play that game," said Ballard recently.

The Palladium, Brainard's edifice to himself, is set to open in January 2011. In theory, this will be a state-of-the-art concert venue that will host the world's best musicians. "If nobody can get to it except those poor people living in Carmel, then I'm okay with that," said Mayor Ballard.

The plan is simple - keep the Carmelites (pronounced Carr-mel-lites) pissed off by making travel impossible. The backlash from these closings will make the residents question Carmel mayor Jim Brainard's sanity and ability to make sound decisions. "I think we've got him this time," an aide to Ballard was quoted as saying.

"Indy is tired of being treated like a bastard child," said Ballard. "We have stuff to do already here. There's no need to visit the lame water park or bike to Bub's on the Monon Trail. Hell, we have a Ben and Jerry's along the Monon where you won't even get shot at - in the daytime at least. Now that's something!"

The two mayors met recently to discuss the issues the closings have created for Carmel residents. But the only thing the two could agree on was the fact their last names both began with a B.

The meeting proved to be little more than a roundabout in futility.

Story by Frank Bivoac

Winter Olympics Roundup

To save you the torture of actually watching the Winter Olympics, The Indianapoliser has condensed the week’s top stories into bite-sized nuggets for your reading pleasure:

American skater, Evan Lysacek, won the gold medal in men's figure skating Thursday, beating out Russian rival Evgeni Plushenko. Three Eastern European skaters were ejected from competition after testing positive for illegal amounts of sequins.

“Comedian” Carrot Top is reported to be enjoying a great deal of fame from being mistaken for gold medal winning snowboarder Shaun White. "Man, if I could afford the bus ticket, I'd be on my way to Vancouver right now," he excitedly said to himself, while sitting alone in his bleak studio apartment.

Lindsey Vonn won a gold medal in the Women’s Downhill Skiing and received a bronze in Overall Hotness, a category traditionally dominated by U.S. snowboarders.

On a sad note, Olympic athletes aren’t immune from the struggling U.S. economy; Cash 4 Gold reported a “huge spike” in Olympic gold medal purchases this week.

Media Outlets Scramble for Sad-faced Tiger Woods Images

Today’s Tiger Woods press conference sent photo editors of various news and media conglomerates into a frenzy with little time to spare. Professionals from across the world are scouring the AP photo archives for still images of Tiger with a sad, distraught or pensive gaze.

“Tiger is obviously an emotional wreck. Just look at him in this photo after missing the putt on the 9th hole. He’s probably thinking of suicide,” assumed CNN’s Chief Tiger Woods photo editor, Gary Pelty. “The problem is we need 50 more of these to run in a loop over our weeklong coverage of this press conference! How are we going to dissect what he said without running sad Tiger photos over and over again?”

Theme Cars Intrigue Racing Community

Last week the IRL introduced one of the new designs for the future of open wheeled racing. The Batmobile-inspired ‘Delta Wing’ concept car is still in development and not due for release until 2012 season. But, IRL representatives believe this and other new concept cars will bolster open wheel racing.

‘Theme Cars’ will be paired to each driver’s unique qualities. For example, Tony Kanaan will drive the ‘Wolverine’ allowing his car to regenerate once he inevitably crashes. Danica Patrick will drive the ‘Sissy Spacek/Carrie’ car, while the less bitchy Milka Duno will drive the ‘Wonder Woman’. The ‘Invisible Man” car will be driven by Oriol Servia since nobody really knows who he is. Sarah Fisher will drive the ‘Cyanide’ car further enhancing her vehicle’s ability to self-destruct. Helio Castroneves has opted for the ‘Al Capone’ car to aid his tax evasion ability.

Osceola Grocery Bagger Grabs Championship

Kyle Perry, an Osceola, Ind. Martin’s Supermarket bag boy, won the World Grocery Bagger National Championship (WBGNC) in Las Vegas last week. Kyle was content to win the honor of best bagger, but there seems to be some discontent in his demeanor.

“I put in a lot of hours at the weight room and the end of the checkout line to get to this point in my career,” he said. “But, I wish I was bagging other things at this point in my life, like girls for instance. I’ve been practicing baggin’ chicks just as long as I’ve been bagging groceries.”

Kyle considered putting some of his winnings towards a visit to the nearby Bunny Ranch, but quickly changed his mind, “that would be a disservice to my bagging hand.”

Reporting by C. Bommarito, Dudley Dawson & Hate Nurst

Mattel unveils more mature, Cougar Barbie

EL SEGUNDO, CA -- Mattel is set to release a an updated Barbie early next month. The move is part of a new trend the toy manufacturer has taken to adapt and develop toys for the 21st Century.

“This Barbie will appeal to a hipper generation of young girls," said Brian Mead, the slightly lispy editor of Toy Insider magazine. "She'll be dressed to the nines, sexier than ever, and a real whore for the younger, Cub Ken currently still in development.”

Cougar Barbie will be fit with several outfit upgrades. Among them will be her low cut dress, high hem line, stiletto heels for Club Cougar Barbie and tight fitting camisole and low rise mini skirt complete with fuck-me-boots for Out & About Cougar Barbie. Both will come with tattoo decals to be placed on Barbie's lower back. And neither model is equipped with under garments.

Little Suzie Baker was one of the first to be introduced to Cougar Barbie through a test market group. “OMG! Cougar Barbie is such a slut! I love her! My mom was like, ‘Suzie, I think you’re a little young for Cougar Barbie,’ but I was like, ‘STFU Mom!’ Gosh!” When asked if Cougar Barbie was missing anything, little Suzie interrupted, “Stop. So boring. I’d like to see more Botox on her forehead, but I totally worship her surgically enhanced DSLs! I don’t know what DSLs are but my brother Tommy says Ms. Timber, our music teacher, has a great pair.”

Cougar Barbie is due to hit the shelves in late March or early April to coincide with spring break season. The first wave of toys will contain 20 percent more plastic than regular Barbies, each comes complete with an over-sized appletini and will be encased in an easy accessible, gigantic leather box.


Story by Hate Nurst