Game day chili prompts area man to take giant shit at host’s house

NOBLESVILLE, IN – A Hamilton County man stumbled upon a grizzly scene early Sunday evening. 29 year-old Mathew Brewer unleashed a massive bowel movement at the home of Chris Gainsworth, a close friend and host to Sunday's Super Bowl party.

The remains of Brewer's giant shit resembled the rotted corpse of a baby African Bush Elephant. Party patron, Jeff Barnhart, walked-in shortly after the abomination and immediately tossed his recently devoured mashed super skins all over the bathroom tile floor. Home-owner, Gainsworth was unaware of the situation until Brewer joined the rest of the crew in the living room, carrying his stench trail with him.

“Party pooping is a faux pas on gameday!” bellowed Gainsworth, still covering his nose and mouth. “Instead of lounging back and watching the Colts kick some ass, I have to go quarantine the bathroom now! I’ll be scouring the side of the bowl for weeks, but Goddamn that guy has guts."

Still shaken from his discovery, Barnhartt echoed the sentiment. "I shit one place and one place only - Casa de Jeffrey!" he said. "Yeah, I've sacrificed some boxers on the way, but I saved face.”

"I knew it was from the gameday chili," Brewer recalled. "You can classify that shit under 'Japanese Flag.' Hot coming out my asshole, shining red against my white cheeks. But you know what? If Chris has anything to say about it he can go fuck himself for serving inferno-grade chili in the first place. I wiped a half-quart of blood!”

No ass-beatings have been administered yet, but interested parties are keeping a close eye on Brewer's mal-absorption problems.

“We knew Matt’s fat-ass was a liability going into game days,” added Gainsworth. “Unfortunately, he’s our beer guy, so we have to keep him around.”

Story by Hate Nurst

Palin calls out Emanuel

WASHINGTON DC - White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel's brash, aggressive style is legendary in Washington D.C. Last week Emanuel called a liberal group's commercial that took shots at moderate democrats "fucking retarded." This set off a firestorm of criticism across Capitol Hill, most pointedly from conservative former Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin.

"Those comments were way out of line," said Palin. "I am appalled. President Obama and Vice President O'Biden should ask Emanuel to step down immediately. You can't just have some White House staffer spouting off willy-nilly and saying insensitive things. That's flat out gay!"

Palin plans to begin a bus tour promoting mentally handicapped awareness and political correctness issues. The tour will hit ten cities across the United States. She initially planned for more stops but has experienced trouble selling tickets to the events.

"We'd hit every city across this great country if we could," said Palin. "But, they've jewed us down on ticket prices so bad, we just can't afford to."

Story by Dudley Dawson

Toyota details recall issues

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Pacers really pulling for Colts

Millions of Colts fans are gearing up for Super Bowl XLIV in Miami this weekend. Many area fans are thankful to have such positive representation for the city of Indianapolis, but none more than the Indiana Pacers.

“We wanted fans to take notice of our relatively fast start, but now we're happy nobody's watching,” says Pacers General Manager David Morway. “With the Colts doing so well, I'll bet half the city doesn't even know our starting lineup and, for now, that's just fine by us."

The Pacers, a team with playoff aspirations, are thankful nobody in Indy has noticed their fall in the standings. Normally this kind of consistent losing would garner a great deal of attention, but with the Colts in the Super Bowl, the Indianapolis Star barely prints their box scores.

"Oh shit! They played this week too, didn’t they?" Asked Indianapolis Star Columnist Mike Wells. "Heck, I was blogging on Stampedeblue.com about the Colts all night."

The team has made a concerted effort to encourage their fans to find better entertainment this season. Next week the real challenge begins.

“Hopefully there will be more distractions. If we’re real lucky a local athlete will get arrested for something. Something big! I’m not saying anything, but IMPD may want to search Dallas Clark’s car next week,” Morway added, laughing maniacally.


Even More Clint Session Fun Facts

• The devil sold his soul to Clint Session.
• Clint Session can smell fear, like a skank can smell Axe body spray.
• Clint Session is the nation's leading cause of pain-killer addition.
• There are two types of outside linebackers in the NFL. Ones who suck and Clint Session.
• It's always sunny wherever Clint Session goes, because the sun never sets on a baddass.
• Clint Session can believe it's butter. Always has.
• Clint Session doesn't drive a car. He just sprints to where he wants to go and gets there in half the time.
• Clint Session is so cool he has his own theme music that follows him around, performed live by the Wu Tang Clan - including ODB!
• Some regret that they have but one life to give to their country. Clint Session has ten lives and regrets nothing.

Reporter can't stop staring at Drew Brees' birthmark

Drew Brees cut off an awkward Q&A session during Media Day on Tuesday. Norm Neely, a sports beat writer from Bruce Hills, Mich., could't stop himself from staring at the birthmark on the quaterback's right cheek. Brees tried to be polite about the uncomfortable exchange, but the reporter's questions grew increasingly embarrassing:

"What can you tell us about the health of All-Pro left freckle, Jammal Brown?"

"Drew, do you care to talk about the mole you've played in rebuilding New Orleans after Katrina"

“During practice you mentioned being a little off the birthmark, is that just pre-game jitters or something larger?”

"One last question Drew, will your vision be hampered by that huge stain on your cheek, or is it sorta like a second brain that keeps your thought process two steps ahead of everyone else on the playing field?”

Reporting by C. Bommarito, Dudley Dawson and Hate Nurst

Magnetic ribbon manufacturersslow to exploit Haitian tragedy

In the immediate aftermath of January's Haitian earthquake the manufacturers of magnetic ribbons were caught sleeping. More than three weeks after the tragic event the Magnetic Ribbon Manufacturers Coalition of America has finally put forth an effort to show support and raise money for the devastated country.

“It’s not just about what you give, it’s also letting others know you were there to give,” says Wayne Cowell of the design team creating the new Haiti magnetic ribbon that will adorn automobiles.

The Haitian Support Ribbon will soon be in line with the ribbons already available for consumers to place on their cars. Many are already available to show drivers' support of causes such as U.S. forces engaged in combat, Autism Awareness, Breast Cancer Awareness and even the Toilet paper colored Irritable Bowel Syndrome/Makes Frequent Stops ribbon.

“Sure, anyone can donate $10.00 to the International Red Cross or Red Crescent and nearly all of that goes to relief efforts," comments Cowell. "That's a good thing to do. But why bother, when instead you can buy a $5.00 magnet ribbon, with $3.00 going to the cause and the remainder going to the item you place on your car, allowing the world to see how much you really care.”

He followed with “In this age of apathy, we need more people to do more, not only care about one’s fellowman, but let everyone else know that you care about one’s fellowman, and the magnetic car ribbon is the ideal way to exhibit your social conscious and active involvement.”

This new ribbon works on two very important levels: raising capital for the agencies providing relief and sending the message to others that the purchaser cares. This ribbon will adorn vehicles for years to come, providing iron-clad evidence the driver not only had concern, but participated in the relief effort. At post time designers have yet to choose a color for the magnet.

Story by Unlce Jenya

New York Times publishesbizarre photobomb obit pic

Office creep takes casual Friday too far

INDIANAPOLIS, IN – Quintec Enterprise employees have grown accustomed to George Morrison clipping his toenails at his desk, belching openly, and offering unsolicited advice on a range of topics from dog walking to birth control. But recent events have caused HR to look into incorporating stricter rules for casual Friday.

"When I hear casual Friday, I interpret that to mean dressing the way I would casually lounge around my house,” says Morrison, a mid-level account manager. “I come to work just like I was just walking into another room of my duplex. I wear an over-sized t-shirt and slippers with my lucky Blue Friday joxers at home. I think that's good enough for casual Friday too. Then people started to complain that they could see my underwear, so viola! "

Casual Friday is an institution in many local offices. Some employers encourage a theme such as Hawaiian shirt day or Colts Blue Friday. Other employers, such as Quintec Enterprise, choose to leave casual Friday dress to the discretion of their employees.

"Okay, seriously. Something needs to be done,” says Laura Butler, office temp. “Who in their right mind would think wearing no pants, no underwear, and a Nickelback t-shirt is acceptable at a place of business?"

The visual presentation has become a major weekly distraction. The discomfort level grows more intense when, on occasion, the office air vent hits Morrison’s commando attire just right to expose his erect penis.

"You know if Adam and Eve hadn't eaten that apple this wouldn't be an issue,” says an agitated Morrison. “Occasionally my man stands at attention. I can't help that. But, it's really unprofessional when people stare. Hello! Look at my eyes. I'm up here!"

Morrison's basic office cleanliness has come under fire as well. According to his peers, he has a tendency not to shake sufficiently after urinating. He often leaves a dribble trail from the bathroom back to his desk. The occasional meeting room chair skid mark accompanied by pubes has been noted on several occasions too. This was the final straw for many employees.

“Around 1:30 pm, like clockwork, George is at my cube spouting off about what happened on CSI and how he just spent the past three hours poking holes in their case,” recounts Greg Thompson, a long-time co-worker. “I try not to look at him because his dick is at eye-level. It gets pretty uncomfortable. He could benefit from a little man-scaping, if you ask me. The guy sheds like a husky in August."

Management has taken notice of the large number of complaints. They value providing their employees with the ability to relax at the end of the week. However they plan to re-evaluate their casual Friday policies soon. Many speculate pants will be required in the near future.

Story by Dudley Dawson