Friday, July 30, 2010

Friday Sports Shorts

Rubbin is Racin, even in the skies

NASCAR's Roush Fenway team owner, Jack Roush, was in a plane crash near Oshkosh Wisconsin this week and escaped with only minor injuries. Witnesses on the ground reported the Roush Beechcraft Premier plane was flying toward the airport when the Team Penske Citation X plane suddenly cut it off. The Roush plane then crept up behind the Penske plane, drafted for a bit, and went for a last descent pass to hit the runway first. Unfortunately, just as Team Rousch made the pass, Team Penske clipped the tail sending the Beechcraft in for a rough landing.

Roush was found angrily hitting his white cowboy hat against the side of the busted plane exclaiming "Them Dukes! Them Dukes," as emergency vehicles arrived.

Baseball Trade Deadline Looms

This Saturday marks the MLB trade deadline. And thus far action has been sparse. Cliff Lee was traded from the Mariners to the Rangers and Roy Oswalt from the Astros to the Phillies. However, one team owner decided to go the extra mile in his never ending quest to build the most dominant dynasty ever.

Former living New York Yankees General Manager, George Steinbrenner, has taken control of the Yankees of the afterlife. Once he made his transition to Hell (last week), he immediately took control over all former Yankee greats including Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, Joe Dimaggio and Roger Maris. When Steinbrenner purchased the Yankees he cleverly worked in a clause to purchase the soul of every player who has and will ever wear a Yankee uniform.

Initially, Steinbrenner was interested in going after Ted Williams as well, but Williams has seen a dramatic decrease in productivity due to his lack of a head. At this upcoming deadline he's been hard at work trying to deal for Roberto Clemente and Pete Rose.

Ed note: The rights to Pete Rose's soul currently belongs to the Devil.

More Trouble for IUPUI Athletics

This week the Indianapolis Star reported the Women's Jaguar Basketball team is looking into emotionally abusive coaches.

School officials became suspicious when Freshman Guard, Shea Collins, missed three games after being listed as suffering from a bruised ego and Junoir Forward, Kerah Nelson had, to be pulled in the 3rd quarter of a critical game with sore feelings.

Reporting by C. Bommarito, Dudley Dawson & Hate Nurst

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Trunk Monkey Giveaway Goes Bad

LEBANON, IN -- In an attempt to drum up fledgling auto sales Hockett Chevrolet, known as the "Home of the Trunk Monkey", had it's first trunk monkey give-away last weekend. Unfortunately for Hockett, the give-away turned out to be more of a problem than a sales increasing solution.

"Monkeys are so loveable on TV," says Senior Sales Manager Tim Wilkerson. "We thought that surely giving the customer a free monkey with the purchase of a new car would be a genius idea."

"As soon as we got home and let our new chimpanzee out it went crazy," says unsatisfied customer Fred Hastings. "The thing jumped on our kitchen counter and pulled all the dishes out of the cabinets and then shit in the sink. Once it finished it picked up its own shit and began throwing it at us. Then it tore a hole in the closed garage door, ran off and we haven't seen it since."

The Hastings story became a recurring theme over the weekend as more and more unsatisfied customers were forced to call 911. Police and animal control officers have been forced to work overtime in order to contain the primates.

"We've been on high alert since the Hockett Trunk Monkey give away," says Boone County Sheriff Lance Renfro. "Overall, we believe about twenty five primates are on the loose, which includes the dozen that attacked and killed a Hockett employee."

The employee killed was 47 year-old David Watson who was putting a leash on a monkey when another crept up and beat him to death. Authorities are following every lead. Several witnesses reported last seeing a group of primates heading east on Camp Street in the direction of Memorial Park.

"I never imagined giving away monkeys would be a bad thing," says Wilkerson. "They seemed so mellow when we bought them from that guy who had them in his van. We were sure to give them Xanax and alcohol just like he recommended. I suppose this was just all a bad idea from the start."

Veterinary professionals from Purdue University and the Indianapolis Zoo arrived in Lebanon to assist authorities in the safe capture of these animals. Meanwhile, Hockett has apologized for the horrific events that occurred and for the events that may still transpire. Hockett has closed its doors until further notice.

Story by Dudley Dawson

Monday, July 26, 2010

Shake Weight Enthusiast Critically Injures Boyfriend

CARMEL, IN – A 20 year-old Hamilton County man is in stable condition after local authorities reported his Shake Weight-abusing girlfriend tried to give him a handjammer.

Police said the man is expected to make a full recovery since his penis did not totally detach from his pubic region.

The incident happened in 19 year-old Melissa Gullies parents' basement while the couple was watching a Saturday Night Live rerun.

“Melissa started using the Shake Weight about three months ago,” said officer Lane Roberts. “The victim’s dick just didn’t compare to the two and a half pound Shake Weight, so when she didn’t feel an intense burn in her arms, shoulder and chest, she just kept flogging away.”

Eventually Miss Gullies stopped when she noticed the penis had received significant trauma and the victim was bleeding from his mouth and nose.

“The Shake Weight has really transformed my upper body recently,” noted Gullies. “My muscle activity has been climbing over 300 percent so I really couldn’t even tell I was holding onto anything. I kind of fell into a double fist pumping trance when I subconsciously started replaying the free DVD’s techno composition in my head.”

Gullies continued, “After about six minutes, the suggested training time, I came to, but the lack of inertia resistance provided no burning, so I kept pounding away.”

Gullies’ boyfriend, who wished to remain anonymous, has not filed any formal charges, but he offered advice to others joining the Shake Weight revolution.

“Be responsible when using that device because arms aren’t the only thing getting ripped. You’ll attain a firm limb, but you’ll also be a lot stronger and the next thing you know you’ll be detaching a penis from a man’s lower torso.”

Local authorities are bracing for similar calls with the recently introduced Shake Weight for Men. The poundage has doubled, yet the average user age has dropped. Hundreds of adolescent boys are anticipated to receive masturbatory injuries caused by overuse of the five pound bicep blaster. Hamilton County hospitals have already started to brace for, what some are calling, “Dynamic Inertia” overload.
Story by Hate Nurst

Friday, July 23, 2010

Friday Sports Shorts

Sweet Lou Due at the End of the Season

Earlier this week, Sweet Lou Piniella announced he will retire at the conclusion of the Cubs' 2010 campaign. The decision was made due to complications with Lou’s ongoing pregnancy. He has been carrying his unborn child since the 2002 MLB season.

Many thought Lou’s pregnancy had ended when the Cubs laid a gigantic egg the first half of this season, but the large bulge protruding from Lou’s abdomen is still present.

Piniella currently has over 1,700 total wins, a .521 winning percentage, six divisional titles and one world series title.

Pacers' Dunleavy Attempting to Put Together ‘Super Team’ in Indy

The latest NBA rumors have Amare Stoudamire, Chris Paul, and Carmelo Anthony plotting to create a super team in New York to compete with Miami. But, few have noticed the latest super team rumors coming out of Indianapolis.

ESPN insiders report Mike Dunleavy has had several visits with Andrei Kirilenko, Adam Morrison, Chris "Birdman" Andersen and Brad Miller to discuss the possibility of playing for the Indiana Pacers next season.

The five were seen at Champps in Castleton on July 8, coming out of the movie ‘Twilight Eclipse’ on July 13 and at Barnes & Noble in Greenwood on July 17. NBA insiders speculate Larry Bird will sign all four players to make a bold statement he is committed to employing overpaid white athletes.

"I think assembling a bunch of mediocre honkeys could have them vying for the 8th seed in the Eastern Conference," says NBA insider Ric Bucher. "Miami, Orlando, Boston and New York beware!"

A Sad Day for Softball Fans

Earlier this week the ridiculously hot face of women’s softball, Jenny Finch, announced she will retire from the sport next month. Finch is known best for pitching the US to gold in the 2004 Olympics

A somber mood has come over fellow players who are attracted to her and all the guys who enjoyed watching her in her tight uniform.

Experts expect average TV ratings for softball games to drop from 0.003 to -4 rating. Other sports such as the WNBA, the LPGA and figure skating still only dream of such great ratings and hope to capitalize on this loss.

Reporting by Dudley Dawson & Hate Nurst

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Budget cutbacks inspire Shelbyville to replace bridges with jump ramps

SHELBYVILLE, IN – The current economic climate has forced Shelbyville to get creative with its budget in order to ensure essential services are fully financed. The struggling town will soon begin implementing its plan to cut spending while providing amusement to the prosaic community.

"Bridges are a thing of the past. The future has no need for them. Quite frankly, they’re dangerous," said Shelbyville Auditor, Roscoe Petty. “The last thing we need is a bridge collapse and a Shelbyville smear campaign featured around the clock on CNN. Plus, there's the additional benefit of saving Shelbyville some dough."

Starting August 1 all bridges within Shelbyville city limits will be demolished and replaced with state-of-the-art ramp systems. Upon completion, these inclined planes will propel cars, trucks, buses, wheelchairs, segways, Smart Cars and other modes of transportation dangerously, yet excitedly, through the air. Drivers will now be required to defy the laws of gravity within Shelbyville city limits. To prevent accidents, the Shelbyville Department of Transportation will install minimum speed signs approximately one half mile before each jump.

"This idea was generated while watching the television show 'Dukes of Hazard.' The infamous Duke brothers seemed to jump every body of water, sans bridge mind you, in order to get from point A to point B,” says Shelbyville DOT Commissioner Jesse Coltrane. “As a town, we aspire to be just as carefree and in your face."

Each Shelbyville resident will be obligated to enroll in the Rick Seaman Stunt Driving Online Academy to learn the basic proper ramp jumping protocols. This training will be free of charge to the community.

Story by Dudley Dawson

Friday, July 9, 2010

Friday Sports Shorts

ESPN to Capitalize on Lebron James Decision Popularity

The popularity of the Lebron James free agency Decision special has prompted ESPN to launch a new network. ESPNLJ will be available as part of the ESPN network package starting this fall. ESPNLJ will offer continuous programming dedicated to Lebron James.

The network will update fans on all of James’ decisions including: what the King chooses to have for breakfast, the type of soap he chooses to use in the shower, his gym routines and types of bowel movements. The network will also inform viewers about James' entourage, where they eat and which server they stiff on a tip. The other ESPN networks will be updated on the hour with full details.

World Cup Still Going On!

Yeah, we had no clue either! But, while enjoying some pints at our favorite British pub, the Red Lion Grog House, the other night some guy was actually watching it, in spite of the USA’s elimination. He assured us it really was the World Cup. The final game – sorry – the final “match” will be played sometime in the near future. The four teams remaining are Spain, Germany, some other European country and, I don’t know, let’s say Madagascar. That other European country probably has good beer. Go other country, Hooray Beer!

Reporting by Dudley Dawson & C. Bommarito

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Local Drug Maker Working on Morning Before Pill

INDIANAPOLIS -- Ten years ago, Levonelle developed the mistake-fixing wonder drug known as the “morning after” pill. The Indianapoliser spoke with a source at a local pharmaceutical giant, on the condition of anonymity, who reports the company is jumping into the irresponsible sex market and currently developing a “morning before” pill.

“This product is not meant to be a one-stop birth control,” claims the inside source. “It is intended for the responsible woman, who plans on an irresponsible evening. You know, when you get your drink-on at a dive bar and don’t want to take any chances. Afterall, it just takes one Smirnoff-fueled evening with a Circle City Mall parking lot attendant at Ike & Jonesy’s.”

The morning before pill, nicknamed “The Blow Blocker,” targets women between the ages of 16 - 30 and pre-menopausal cougars between ages 45 - 60. Sources claim the pill is 99.9 percent effective in test trials with only a few side effects, including: leg twitching, arm twitching, leaky stool, trichotillomania (compulsive self-pulling of hair) and, in rare cases, pregnancy.

Still, the drug maker remains confident in its new product, despite the low chance of patients becoming pregnant while on the pill.

“Our research indicates only a very small percentage of men are willing to have sex with a woman who can't control her arms, legs or bowels and constantly pulls out her own hair,” said the source. “And as an added bonus, some test patients have experienced memory blackouts while on the drug. This could help make bad one-night stands even more forgettable.”

Release date is set to coincide with the 2011 prom season.

Story by Dudley Dawson

Friday, July 2, 2010

Friday Sports Shorts

NBA free agency kicks off

On Thursday the NBA free agency kicks off. This has also been identified as the Lebron James sweepstakes. Many teams have made efforts to completely dismantle their rosters in the hopes they'll land the highly coveted star. The New York Knicks have led the way in this charge, putting all their eggs in the Lebron basket. However, one problem has shown up that Knicks management forgot to address; they've dismantled the team to the point where Lebron won't have a supporting cast.

"We sort of forgot about the fact that he wants to win championships," says Knicks GM Donnie Walsh. "We cleared all of our good players out to have the money. It's all about spin, though. We've started referring to Wilson Chandler and Eddie House as 'Future Hall of Famers' to make Lebron think he's got some good guys to play with here."

To make up for the team's short comings, the Knicks have attempted to woo Lebron in other ways.

They have enlisted local celebrities and the NYC mayor to lobby Lebron. Tracy Morgan, Spike Lee, Alec Baldwin, and Donald Trump headline a low budget version of the Westside story. The reason they made this video and how it could possibly influence Lebron's decision to come to the Knicks is still undetermined.

"I'm prepared to do whatever it takes," says Bloomberg. "We've already started by dedicating July 1st as Lebron James Day in New York. We'll also replace the Statue of Liberty with one of King James. I've also named Elliot Spitzer as head of our new Lebron James entertainment task force."

Zen Master back for another Round

Phil Jackson decided this week that he will return to coach the Lakers next season. After deciphering the Zen Masters comments on the decision, it is clear that he is eager to defend the title of the two time champions.

"Namaste. My mind opens. The inner light within points toward a sphere of golden bliss times 3. Loads of jewels will be bestowed upon my fingers, as the glimmer from them will blind and moderate all opponents who seek it. The nearest season is a plentiful, endowed escort."

Or he could have been talking about a hooker.

Wimbledon update

Roger Federer gets knocked out of tournament. John Isner and Nicolas Mahut are still playing.

Cubs have shown excellent consistency so far this year

As the 2010 baseball season closes in on the halfway point, the characteristics of each team are well defined. The New York Yankees and the LA Dodgers are at the top, as usual, with the Pittsburgh Pirates and the Kansas City Royals are at the bottom. The Chicago Cubs are yet to hit their stride but General Manager, Jim Hendry, urges Cubs fans to be blindly hopeful.

"Despite the fact that we're 11 games below .500 I'd say we've shown an ability to be consistent," says Hendry. "You can't argue with the stats. We don't just lose to good teams. We lose equally well to bad teams too! Plus, no team is better at stranding runners in scoring position. Shoot, if we had a man on second and third with no outs, I'd be the first to tell you to place your life savings on the fact that neither of those guys will score."

The Cubs consistent trends this season are continuations of the past few seasons and have turned into general rules Cubs fans can now count on.

1. Carlos Zambrano will have a melt down. Check.

2. The Cubs will be near the top of the league in home runs but near the bottom in RBI's.

3. The Cubs will finish dead last in stolen bases. Seriously, can they just sign Usain Bolt to pinch run?

4. The Cubs will lead the league in Quality Starts. Which is fantastic but holding opponents to three runs a game isn't helpful unless your team scores one run.

Hippie IU Employees Protest Pay Issues

BLOOMINGTON, Ind. -- In an effort to force administration to give raises to Indiana University staff, several employees wore black Thursday, July 1, and protested during a three-hour lunch break that was not reflected on their time cards.

Some have suggested that the university, one of Bloomington's largest employers, could offer merit-based raises rather than just a cost of living raise for all staff. Employee Norm Lowell, however, said merit-based raises are unreasonable, and employees shouldn't be expected to improve their performance to receive more money each year.

"I get WORSE at my job, but they should still pay me more," Lowell said by phone from his home this morning. "In fact, they offer me free classes and IT training workshops, but I don't want to take them. I shouldn't have to better myself to make more money. I have a mortgage, a car loan, a court settlement and several child support payments to make, and all of this is IU's problem."

Lowell did not show up to work today because, he said, "No one works Fridays in the summer anyway, especially if it's a holiday weekend." Lowell, an administrative assistant with a high school education, plans to take off work until next Thursday, and then "probably leave early Friday."

No other employees were available for comment today.

UPDATE: In response to complaints that there have been no raises but parking costs for employees have gone up, IU is now allowing employees to give either a kidney or baby in lieu of paying for a pass.

Story by Penny Quarter

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Authorities Confiscate More Than Cars at Durham Estate

Authorities raided Tim Durham's Geist residence yesterday afternoon. The former big shot's prized car collection was confiscated to recoup a portion of the money he allegedly purloined from investors. A total of eighteen cars were picked up including his Lamborghini, Bentley Flying Spur, Ferrari and 1969 Mustang.

"This is only the first step," said Federal Investigator Vince Biancini. "We're going to dig deeper to really make him pay. We can't get every penny back for these folks but we're sure as hell going to try."

In addition to his prized car collection, Durham was forced to turn over his U.S.state quarter collection, his rare Nickelback vinyl LPs, plus his baseball and Pokemon trading cards. This collection included his signed, extremely rare, 1987 Billy Ripkin Fleer baseball card that featured Ripkin holding a bat with the inscription "fuck face" on it.

"I have no regrets," said an even-tempered Durham."They're taking it all away from me, but at least I can say I owned a complete set of Pikachu, including the rare card with him and Lyra. I'll treasure holding those cards and jamming out to Nickelback forever. Oh yeah, banging all those Playmates was pretty cool too, just try taking that back bitches."

Story by Dudley Dawson