Bob Kravitz Fakes Mild Heart Attack to Evade Real Heart Attack
On Friday, Feb. 1 Indianapolis Star sports columnist Bob Kravitz suffered a fake mild heart attack which landed him a weekend stay at the hospital. Kravitz suffered the fake heart attack knowing that the very real possibility of his heart exploding out of his chest cavity could occur during the Pacer/Heat game Friday night or the IU/Michigan game on Saturday night.
“I had to take precautionary measures. Listen, if I have a serious heart attack, there is no way in hell I’m going to be able to make it out to $2 buck Tuesdays over at the Checkered Flag.”
Brutal Schedule Inspires Pacers
The Indiana Pacers beat the Philadelphia 76ers Wednesday night for their third straight victory in as many nights. No other team in the NBA will play back to back to back games this season. While the players were not excited about the schedule, coach Vogel recognizes a unique opportunity.
“Let’s face it, adversity brings out the best in these guys,” said a whip yielding, leather-clad Frank Vogel. “I’m going to do everything I can to make life a living hell for them between now and June.”
Vogel has lobbied the league to schedule more back to back games, including several double headers. Team members will not be allowed to sleep for more than four hours any night for the rest of the season. Vogel also implemented an unusually brutal individual training regimen to ensure maximum discomfort while training:
• Roy Hibbert must sleep on a bed of razor blades.
• George Hill must listen to One Direction before each game.
•David West and Tyler Hansborough will now wrestle alligators instead of weight training.
This string of victories prompted Vogel to bring back his controversial warm-up practices for the first time since Danny Granger was injured during a “trust fall" from the Kreig Devault section at Bankers Life Fieldhouse.
Ray Lewis Stabs Fan for old Times Sake
Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis allegedly stabbed a patron at the Bombay Club in the French Quarter of New Orleans late Sunday night. Lewis was with a group of friends.
“We’ve been through this before and we know the drill,” said Jerrell McIntyre, a close friend of Lewis. “I didn’t see Ray do anything.”
While his friends closed ranks, Lewis was more open about the stabbing.
“You know, I’ve been sentimental recently,” said Lewis. “I realize how blessed I am and that this is the last opportunity I’ll have to stab a motherfucker at a Super Bowl celebration after party. You gotta appreciate the moments in life as they pass you by.”
Seattle Goes All in for King Felix
On Thursday the Seattle Mariners signed Felix Hernandez to a contract extension that left many in the Pacific Northwest scratching their heads. Hernandez, a starting pitcher, will be paid $175 million over the next seven years. That makes Hernandez the highest paid pitcher in MLB history. However some of the other items in the contract confused baseball experts.
Starbucks will no longer charge Hernandez for anything on their menu. In addition to the money from the Mariners, the Washington state legislature passed a bill that would increase sales tax by 1%. All extra revenue generated from that increase will be paid to Hernandez. Finally, to keep him in the Pacific Northwest, Canada has officially turned over all land west of Calgary except for the city of Vancouver.
Puppy Bowl Massacre
On a sad note, Pit Bull puppy Anthony snapped after his toy was taken during Sunday’s Puppy Bowl. The Pit mix mauled and dismembered seven dogs causing the event to be canceled mid-way through. This was the worst Puppy Bowl mishap since the diarrhea disaster of ‘08.