Friday, April 30, 2010

Olivo Exposes Stones while Passing Another

Bear wrestler, God of Pain and part-time catcher for the Colorado Rockies, Miguel Olivo, passed a kidney stone while breaking for the 8th inning of the Rockies-Diamondbacks game Monday night. Olivo and his onions took the field right after the stone had passed. The Throbbing One mentioned that he did experience some discomfort, but not from the kidney stone passing through his urethra.

“I had some trouble getting my gigantic balls back into my jockstrap,” said Magnum Miguel. It was later discovered that Olivo also plays cup-less while catching. “They don’t make a cup that fits my massive testicles.”

Manny Pacquiao Inspires Holyfield

Boxing champion Manny Pacquiao, announced his candidacy for a Philippine congressional seat in one of the nation's poorest provinces this week.

This move motivated Evander "The Real Deal" Holyfield to make a run for congress as well. The former boxer, who was hit with a tax lien against his home in in 2009 for owing more than $145,000 in back taxes, has instant credibility with the anti-tax Tea Party and will seek their endorsement.

Reporting by C. Bommarito and Hate Nurst

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Chihuahua Violence on the Rise

BLOOMINGTON, IN – Chihuahua-assisted domestic violence swelled in Indiana this week after a Bloomington woman accused her ex-boyfriend of throwing her 3 lb Chihuahua at her. (Full story here) He allegedly struck her in the head with the small, shivering, annoying little dog, leaving her unconscious for a brief moment.

(Ed. Note - While The Indianapoliser does not condone using violence to settle domestic disputes or negotiate unpaid bar tabs, we would be remiss not to note the man's creativity.)

“The rise of pet-assisted violence has us really concerned,” said Bloomington Chief of Police, Ronald Bishop. “If this was a real dog, not just some shitless little Chihuahua, we'd be calling in the coroner’s office and apprehending a murder suspect. Even worse, we’d also be suffocating an innocent pet, since we have to bag everything for evidence.”

Bloomington Police Department said this is only the latest example of an alarming trend – using foreign and domestic animals to commit crimes. Since June, 2009, several murders, back-alley muggings, rapes and indecent exposures have involved the use of designer dogs and purse pets.

Bloomington Police Department encourages all victims of pet-assisted crimes to come forward or, at the very least, upload videos of the crimes to their Youtube channel.

Story by Hate Nurst

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Town Celebrates Anniversary
of 'Wash Me' Caption

NEW PALESTINE, IN - The city of New Palestine will celebrate the 150th anniversary of an institution of American culture. The 'Wash Me' caption was first placed on a mode of transportation in New Palestine on May 1, 1860. New Palestine resident Ray Dunkle is credited for the caption placement, which he positioned on the backside of his dirty horse. A statue will be erected at the center of town to honor Dunkle, his horse Leotard, and the famous caption.

"This is the kind of thing that puts cities on the map," says New Palestine Spokesman Barry Lunt. "Having this legacy helps with our local tourism business. I expect to see a significant increase in sales at Hardees and McDonalds."

The popularity of the caption was purely accidental. In an attempt to gain right of entry to a hooker without paying, Dunkle set out to impress her by riding his horse. The intended caption was to be 'Watch me' but unfortunately Dunkle was mostly illiterate and drunk off of moonshine. Instead he wrote 'Wash me'. Dunkle’s body was later found floating face down in Sugar Creek. But, the legendary caption was born. Since then, the 'Wash me' caption gained slow but steady notoriety and then saw an explosion with the invention of the automobile.

City officials expect a large turnout for tonight's statue ribbon cutting ceremony and an even bigger turnout for Saturday's parade, beginning at 9a.m. All New Palestine businesses are encouraged to dirty their windows and incorporate the 'Wash me' heading. It appears as if the town is already well on its way towards this goal. The parade will include dirty cars from several decades with the slogan in scripted on each of them. A local women’s group, dressed as late 1800’s women of the night, will be holding a charity car wash officially ending the ‘Wash Me’ festivities. Donations are welcome.

Story by Dudley Dawson

Friday, April 23, 2010

Little 500 Weekend Binge Starts Today

Thousands of IU students and alumni will gather in Bloomington today to kick off the annual drunk fest known as the Little 500. The Indianapoliser caught up to Wallace Smith, an Indiana University senior from Kokomo, and asked him about the importance of the Little 500 Race tradition. Smith responded, “There’s a fucking race?”

Tiger Woods Hits Rock Bottom

Tiger Woods’ fall from grace continued this week. The former “sports” champion lost all remaining sponsors after his latest public embarrassment. Several news outlets reported Tiger was in attendance at Monday evening’s Nickelback concert in Orlando. Truly a new low for Tiger.

Speaking of Endorsements...

Rumors are swirling that Nike plans to drop DB/QB Ben Roethlisberger. The company is afraid his reputation as a raiding and pillaging, woman-violating brute is not the image they intended for the shoe he endorses, the "Nike Marauder."

Big Ten Will Expand at all Costs

The Big Ten announced this week it will change its name to the Big Fuck’n Conference, and aggressively pursue expansion. The BFC will increase from eleven teams to fourteen, or sixteen or fifty.

Several major conferences have vowed to fight this pilfering of schools, most notably the Big East. Notre Dame, Rutgers, Pittsburgh and Syracuse could all be engulfed by the new BFC. However, if the BFC cannot attract these schools, they will resort to their plan B: Mob style expansion.

This Cosa Nostra approach has brought excitement to many local associates and foot soldiers vying for the chance to really impress the boss and work their way up into Division I status. Vincennes, St. Joseph’s College, Ivy Tech - Bloomington and PJ’s Beauty College will be tested for obedience, discretion and ruthlessness. Boss of all bosses, Jim “Numbers” Delany will have final say on who’s “made” the BFC. Capisce?

NASCAR Names Unlikely Grand Marshall

In an attempt to win over new fans and broaden its reach, NASCAR announced this week the Grand Marshal for this year's Talladega race, Junior Johnson, will be replaced by former Vice President and Nobel Prize winner Al Gore.

"We're always tryin’ to expand our audience,” said NASCAR spokesman Terry 'Bigfoot' Wallendale. “We thought bring’n in Al Gore would do wunders fer our rate’ns.”

"NASCAR is instrumental in the fight against Global Warming,” added an enthusiastic Gore. “By eliminating millions of gallons of fuel every week, which could be used for normal consumption, they force us to look for alternative energy sources sooner. I encourage everyone to tune in on TV or the Internet -- which I invented."

Reporting by C. Bommarito, Dudley Dawson and Hate Nurst

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Brizzi Suspended for
Four to Six Court Trials

INDIANAPOLIS, IN -- Marion County Prosecutor, Carl Brizzi, will be suspended for four to six court trials for violating the Marion County personal conduct policy. The suspension, handed down today, contains conditions that could allow the length of the ban to be reduced.

"I respect the County's ruling, but I plan to appeal," said a dour Brizzi, flanked by bodyguards and his entourage. "I just want to get out there and use my God-given prosecutorial abilities to contribute my part to a winning city as soon as possible."

Brizzi is suspected of using his influence to grant favoritism to friends involved in his extensive business dealings. No charges have been filed against him.

Marion Country prosecutors remain committed to Brizzi even though Indianapolis is rumored to be entertaining trade offers and could look to this year's class of graduating IU lawyers for a long term replacement.

Reporting by C. Bommarito

Monday, April 19, 2010

Wii releases Pole Dancing Bundle

Nintendo will release the Wii Fit Pole Dancing bundle for the Nintendo Wii game console this week. Little has been revealed about the new product since it was announced in March at the 2010 Game Developers Conference in San Francisco. The bundle is a continuing effort to extend Wii gaming to an older, adult consumer.

Nintendo promises Wii Fit Pole Dancing will extend game consumers fitness level to extreme heights.

“Besides boosting your flexibility in the crotchial regions, players will discover elevated heart rates, extreme butt clenching techniques, and may even experience a rush of blood to muscles most gamers never use,” explained consultant, Sunshine Loveless.

The bundle comes complete with a eight foot brass pole, engraved with your online pre-registered stripper name and ships with a monstrous 40 pair of nipple tassels, five sets of lace thong wireless controller panties, a downloadable avatar (of your stripper likeness), and a copy of Wii Fit Pole Dancing. A deluxe bundle is also available which includes a sandwich bag full of bar juice to throw on the floor before you get started and a 300 pound bouncer. The deluxe bundle retails around $399, per hour.

The new game was the runaway hit of last month's Game Developers Conference.

“We were assured some after hours entertainment by Wii this year, but this is something I can really throw my money at,” boasted one overly amused couch fixture. “They really delivered the goods this time!”

Gamers can pre-order Wii Fit Pole Dancing now, but will be charged a $10 cover to gain entrance to the Wii website and will also have to accept a 2 drink minimum. Wii Fit Pole Dancing is due to straddle the shelves on Tuesday.

Story by Hate Nurst

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Want to know who your favorite NFL team is going to draft in the first round? Ask the experts!

The first round of the 2010 NFL draft will be held on April 22nd. Every year fans want to know who each team will select. Instead of waiting until the actual draft day, many turn to Mock Draft Experts to know exactly what direction their favorite team will go. Indianapoliser Staticians have compiled the mock draft vs actual draft accuracy numbers since 2007. If you're celebrating your team's latest mock draft, good luck with that. Colts fans; based on the stats whatever the mock drafts say, Indy will not select that player.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Our Dying Media

The poor economic conditions of 2009 created a brutal climate for print media. Scores of major newspapers folded - figuratively speaking. And several niche-interest magazines closed shop as well. While some newsrooms celebrate their Pulitzer Prizes The Indianapoliser would like to take a moment pay tribute to our fallen brethren. Although, some certainly targeted a far too narrow audience. We'll miss the following publications. (Click images to enlarge)

Smoker's Health

Jihad Traveler

One Armed Surfer

Chinchilla Fancy

Text and Driver

Louis Gossett Quarterly

Friday, April 9, 2010

Big Schools Still Sniffing Around Butler's Athletic Program

Butler was able to extend Brad Steven’s contract through the 2021-22 season yesterday afternoon, but another college powerhouse has stepped forward in an attempt to lure away a major Butler talent. Blue II, the school’s beloved mascot, is reported to be considering a $3M, 28 dog-year contract offer from The University of Georgia to replace Uga, the current Georgia bulldog mascot.

Fresno State, The Citadel, Mississippi State, and Gonzaga also sought permission to speak with Blue II, but none matched Georgia’s financial offer. Blue II’s agent has given no timetable as to when he might make a decision, but noted the two sides are at an impasse concerning Blue II’s Beggin’ Strip bonus demands.

The men's basketball team has gone 169-50 during Blue II's tenure as Mascot.

Cubs Playing for Their Fans

The Chicago Cubs fans had high hopes for Monday’s season opener. Fan expectations have grown exponentially over the last several seasons due to the Cubs’ regular season success. However each year has ended with heartbreaking disappointment.

This year, Cubs management decided to cater to their fan base by playing absolutely horrible right from the start. So far the Cubs have lost 2 games, giving up 19 runs and hitting into 5 plays. They've achieved this while batting a hemorrhoid inducing .176 average, abruptly eliminating any expectations this could be 'The Year'.

Gone Wildcats

Five University of Kentucky men’s basketball players announced they will enter this summer's NBA draft. John Wall, DeMarcus Cousins, Eric Bledsoe, Patrick Patterson and Daniel Orton want to leave the state of Kentucky as quickly as possible and hope for a slight increase in pay.

Kentucky coach, John Calipari is upset to lose so many players, but eager to utilize the newly freed up salary cap room for his next recruiting class.

Reporting by C. Bommarito, Dudley Dawson and Hate Nurst

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Office Pool Geek Continues Perfect March Madness Streak

PLAINFIELD, IN - Steven McCluskey has retained his crown as KSP Logistics NCAA March Madness office pool champion for the ninth consecutive year. He will receive his choice of KSP Logistics merchandise today. The pool is free to enter and all 112 employees can submit unlimited entries, a system McCluskey has exploited to his benefit.

"I don't know why anyone else even bothers to enter," said Ron Morris. "McCluskey has freak'n won the thing nine years in a row now. He's had a bracket that is 100 percent correct every year. The guy's entire wardrobe is KSP embroidered fleeces, the nice kind with sidepockets."

McCluskey had a bracket that predicted the Ohio win over Georgetown, the Northern Iowa upset over Kansas and even had Duke edging out Butler in the final game.

His perfected system is a deliberate process that involves taking vacation time Monday through Wednesday before each tournament. In that time he fills out one bracket for every possible outcome.

"I fill out 9,223,372,036,854,775,808 brackets to cover all my bases," said McCluskey, while smugly sipping coffee from a stainless-steel KSP travel mug. "Once the selection Sunday program ends I have 89 hours. I utilize my fair share of Mountain Dew, Jolt Cola, nicotine, Red Bull, and cocaine to keep me awake and push ahead."

Co-workers wonder if filling out 9 quintillion brackets by hand in an 89 hour time span, heavily fueled by a barrage of stimulants is a healthy practice. McCluskey doesn't seem to care and believes the work is worth it for the KSP merchandise he receives in the end.

McCluskey has already begun altering his strategy to take on the larger number of brackets he'll have to fill out if the NCAA increases the field to 96 teams next year.

"I purchased a trailer in Morgan County and turned it into a meth lab," said McCluskey, smiling as he lit a cigarette with his pewter KSP Zippo lighter. "By the time next year rolls around I'll have enough High Speed Chicken Feed to increase my productivity. That company duffel bag is mine!"

Story by Dudley Dawson

Monday, April 5, 2010

Butler Star Going Pro

INDIANAPOLIS, IN -- Junior power forward, Matt Howard, shocked NCAA fans this morning when he announced he will end his college career after this evening's championship game. Howard has made the decision to go pro, but has no plans to enter the NBA draft. He will pursue his dream of becoming an adult film star.

"I've watched this kid throughout the tournament," said adult film tycoon James VanSchticken. "I haven't seen a pure 'stache like that since 1982. College is one thing, but when you've got that kind of natural ability, you need to take it to the professional level."

Howard, last year's Horizon League Player of the Year, has averaged about 13 points and 6 rebounds per game over his three year career at Butler. Experts believe he could contribute a great deal as a senior next season, but he feels he has the ability to reach his dream. And his teammates understand his decision.

"Look at that thing. It's amazing," said teammate Gordon Hayward. "I can't say I blame him. I just hope someday I'll be able to grow facial hair."

Story by C. Bommarito

Friday, April 2, 2010

NCAA Adds Five Teams to the Final Four

The NCAA announced this morning they have expanded this weekend’s Final Four to nine teams. Local fans are baffled by the move that will return Kansas, Syracuse, Kentucky, Ohio State and Robert Morris to the tournament, but the NCAA governing body assured fans the move will create a fair and more inclusive championship series. Officials claimed they had not considered the financial impact of the decision, but if extra games bring in more money, that would be an unexpected bonus.

Insiders claim this is part of an ongoing effort by the NCAA to make the BCS Championship Series seem less ridiculous.

The Two-Handed Yank

Yankee pitcher, Pat Venditte, completed 1 1/3 innings on Tuesday, giving up one run while using both arms to pitch. The ambidextrous pitcher made a name for himself in spring training by switching pitching hands depending on whether the batter he faces is right-handed or left-handed.

Starting pitcher, CC Sabathia, whom Venditte relieved on Tuesday, claimed he didn’t even know the Yankees had an ambidextrous pitcher.

“I heard about this kid in the organization, but I didn’t know he was called up ‘til I saw him switch hands while taking a piss the other day,” said Sabathia. “He started with his right, but then halfway through, steam from the showers started to rise and he threw his cock to the left hand and finished. That was the most impressive thing I saw in camp this spring.”

It’s still unclear whether or not Venditte switches hands while easing his way to an orgasm.

NCAA Bitch-Slaps Next-Door Neighbor IUPUI

The NCAA handed down punishments to the IUPUI athletic program for allowing student athletes to compete despite academic shortcomings. All fourteen sports were implicated. Men's basketball, women's basketball and volleyball teams will lose scholarships and vacate wins.

A public statement from the NCAA urged IUPUI to build from this punishment by looking to other successful schools and their coaches for inspiration, suggestions included: John Calipari of Kentucky, Bob Huggins of West Virginia as well as former NCAA coaches Pete Carroll of USC and Kelvin Sampson of IU.

This investigation was one of the quickest in NCAA history. This swift action was intended to prevent denigration of the NCAA student athlete reputation and ensure college athletics are held to the highest standards. However, they had no word on when they plan to punish the USC football program for violations dating back to 2004.

Reporting by C. Bommarito, Dudley Dawson and Hate Nurst