Friday, April 23, 2010

Little 500 Weekend Binge Starts Today

Thousands of IU students and alumni will gather in Bloomington today to kick off the annual drunk fest known as the Little 500. The Indianapoliser caught up to Wallace Smith, an Indiana University senior from Kokomo, and asked him about the importance of the Little 500 Race tradition. Smith responded, “There’s a fucking race?”

Tiger Woods Hits Rock Bottom

Tiger Woods’ fall from grace continued this week. The former “sports” champion lost all remaining sponsors after his latest public embarrassment. Several news outlets reported Tiger was in attendance at Monday evening’s Nickelback concert in Orlando. Truly a new low for Tiger.

Speaking of Endorsements...

Rumors are swirling that Nike plans to drop DB/QB Ben Roethlisberger. The company is afraid his reputation as a raiding and pillaging, woman-violating brute is not the image they intended for the shoe he endorses, the "Nike Marauder."

Big Ten Will Expand at all Costs

The Big Ten announced this week it will change its name to the Big Fuck’n Conference, and aggressively pursue expansion. The BFC will increase from eleven teams to fourteen, or sixteen or fifty.

Several major conferences have vowed to fight this pilfering of schools, most notably the Big East. Notre Dame, Rutgers, Pittsburgh and Syracuse could all be engulfed by the new BFC. However, if the BFC cannot attract these schools, they will resort to their plan B: Mob style expansion.

This Cosa Nostra approach has brought excitement to many local associates and foot soldiers vying for the chance to really impress the boss and work their way up into Division I status. Vincennes, St. Joseph’s College, Ivy Tech - Bloomington and PJ’s Beauty College will be tested for obedience, discretion and ruthlessness. Boss of all bosses, Jim “Numbers” Delany will have final say on who’s “made” the BFC. Capisce?

NASCAR Names Unlikely Grand Marshall

In an attempt to win over new fans and broaden its reach, NASCAR announced this week the Grand Marshal for this year's Talladega race, Junior Johnson, will be replaced by former Vice President and Nobel Prize winner Al Gore.

"We're always tryin’ to expand our audience,” said NASCAR spokesman Terry 'Bigfoot' Wallendale. “We thought bring’n in Al Gore would do wunders fer our rate’ns.”

"NASCAR is instrumental in the fight against Global Warming,” added an enthusiastic Gore. “By eliminating millions of gallons of fuel every week, which could be used for normal consumption, they force us to look for alternative energy sources sooner. I encourage everyone to tune in on TV or the Internet -- which I invented."

Reporting by C. Bommarito, Dudley Dawson and Hate Nurst