Plainfield Parks Department Rids Park of Equal Opportunity

PLAINFIELD, IN -- Plainfield Parks & Recreation's Plainfield Public Tree Council (PPTC) cut down the “Equal Opportunity” tree in Friendship Gardens early last week. The town-sanctioned tree had grown and prospered since planted in the soil of the budding west side community fifteen years ago.

Friendship Gardens Park was created to give the people of Plainfield a place to gather strength from and to rally around. The park's planners intended for Friendship Gardens to showcase Plainfield as a "Community of Values." The park still features the values of Integrity, Truth, Justice, and Environmental Responsibility. But Equal Opportunity was severely lacking in care and Equal Opportunity was deemed dead and declining in Friendship Gardens.

Residents nearest to Equal Opportunity believe it was healthy and vibrant, cut down by the very people who planted it in the community.

“Equal Opportunity provided protection on my way to a better life,” said Joshua Goldburger, a local who ran on the path where Equal Opportunity once stood. “The glare left from Equal Opportunity's void will forever blind my pathway, creating an uncertain future in which I will now have to walk. I can only just see what’s directly in front of me. It’s a harsh reality to live in.”

Others believe it was time for “Equal Opportunity” to go.

Jessica Nelson, a PPTC employee, was designated to the grounds from which Equal Opportunity first sprouted.

“Equal Opportunity became a serious nuisance for most of us who worked for the Town of Plainfield. These townspeople wanted their values represented by foliage, but who’s going to take care of those values? I haven’t seen anyone out here watering Equal Opportunity. Oh, I’ve seen them milking it, but no, I’ve never seen them water it. I always felt like working with Equal Opportunity was like working under this large dark mass that could fall on me at any point, wipe me from the face of the Earth, and replace me with someone else. I just couldn’t support its cause any longer, which was to fall on me." Nelson continued, “We were actually going to burn Equal Opportunity to the ground just to show them we weren't fucking around, but then Hendricks County adopted a no open burn ban last week.”

The PPTC does not plan to stop eliminating the hopes and values of the small town of Plainfield however. “We’re not above taking away these other so called Values. I don't give a shit about Justice,” said a suddenly determined Nelson, through snarled teeth. “As a matter of fact we might even replace them with Pestilence, War, Famine and Death.”

Story by Hate Nurst

Friday Sports Shorts

Cubs' Colvin Proves He is Not a Vampire

Cubs catcher, Wellington Castillo, has become increasingly suspicious of teammate Tyler Colvin throughout his short stint with the Chicago Cubs -- his rare day game appearances and aversion to garlic -- But Castillo’s suspicions reached a boiling point last Saturday when he overheard Colvin giving hitting advice to shortstop Starlin Castro. “Become the bat! Like me, I always go for the throat of the competition,” said Colvin. Castillo took decisive action Sunday afternoon and strategically shattered his wooden bat, flinging the Maple splinter into Colvin’s chest. Colvin was rushed to the hospital where he was treated and released, Wednesday afternoon, unharmed and decidedly mortal.

“I come from a long line of Vampire slayers, yet I am still just a rookie,” said a cautious Castillo, gently twisting his Rosary beads. “It was a rookie mistake. I should have just went with the Crucifix.”

Session's Personal Favor

Last Sunday’s Manning Bowl II lacked a certain violence which most Colts fans have become accustomed to. Clint Session was absent from game action (allegedly) due to a misbehaving hammy. Although many fans believe Peyton asked Session to spare his young brothers life and sit for the game. Since the city of Indianapolis has a long history of winning against the shitty products from the state of New York, Session obliged. Rookie Kavell Conner filled in nicely with five tackles, but disappointed with zero dismemberments.

UFC 119 Coming to Conseco Fieldhouse

Ultimate Fighting Championship will make its first stop in Indianapolis this Saturday. For those of you unfamiliar with the sport, just imagine the Jerry Springer show running for three hours, in a large arena. Unfortunately this is one of those Springer episodes with a bunch of white trash fighting and no quality nudity.

You should also expect a sharp spike in meth prices throughout the metro area all weekend, due to high demand. The unofficial Best Tweak Dust competition will take place outside the venue. Top meth producers have traveled in their RVs from the far corners of Whitetrashistan to enter their lowest quality products in this -- soon to be annual -- event.

Jack'n Dongs!

Jose Bautista of the Toronto Blue Jays hit his 50th home run of the season against the Seattle Mariners yesterday. The right fielder became the 26th player in MLB history to reach the 50-home-run mark and the first to reach 50 jacks since Prince Fielder and Alex Rodriguez both connected for over 50 dongers in 2007.

Unfortunately, with conversion rates, 50 home runs in Canada only equals 48 home runs and a double in the United States. But, the slugger still has a couple weeks to make up the difference.

Reporting by C. Bommarito, Dudley Dawson & Hate Nurst

Ron Artest Tweets + Garfield!

(Click to enlarge)

Tweeted 9-13-2010








Tweeted 9-20-2010








Tweeted 9-22-10

First Confirmed Case of Little Man Syndrome Discovered in Taller Man

WEST LAFAYETTE, IN -- A Purdue University graduate study team diagnosed the first ever recorded case of Little Man Syndrome (LMS) in a subject over six feet tall, a disease typically only found in males of much shorter stature.

LMS is most commonly diagnosed in males under 5'5" tall. These individuals are known to frequently stare down much larger males, discuss their "max bench press," and remove their shirts in public spaces. Licensed therapists typically diagnose LMS when an individual displays any combination of these symptoms. Meanwhile, those displaying symptoms similar to LMS and over 6 feet tall were just diagnosed as being assholes.

The team, formed by Purdue Department of Psychology Professor Dr. Mitch “Tiny" Sandusky, was tasked to study male behavior with the goal to prove or disprove LMS can exist in taller men.

In recent years, regional mental health clinics have collected numerous reports of this rare variation of the disorder, but these reports could not be confirmed until now. Since the beginning of the 2006 Fall Semester, top nerds in the Department of Psychology have anxiously observed male subjects on campus, and recorded over 100 different accounts of shirt removal. The graduate team spent several years at Harry's Chocolate Shop, Jake's, and Where Else, popular West Lafayette night spots, observing potential LMS sufferers. Researchers were instructed not to follow the possible subjects too close for fear of accidentally triggering the LMS rage.

The team diagnosed a subject known only as “Big Guns” who displayed all the obnoxious traits of LMS however he stands at 6'1". His smedium Affliction shirt, T Rex length arms, and Red Bull mixed drink were red flags the team could not ignore.

"We noticed Big Guns constantly looking in a mirror on the dance floor at Where Else, this closed the deal for us," said Sandusky. "Big Guns may be 6'1", but he only weights about 130 pounds. He began picking fights with guys who had much bigger guns than his. This really drove home the diagnosis for us. Fortunately, we think Big Guns can be treated."

Treatment for LMS involves preventing the subject from listening to Nickelback, limiting energy drink intake, taking away all ill fitting shirts and/or just allowing the subject to get his ass kicked. The American Psychological Association cannot confirm the diagnosis for at least six months. The complete documentation for the study will be released at the end of this semester.

Story by Dudley Dawson

Friday Sports Shorts

More Hot Reporters Come Forward

The recent investigation into the New York Jets locker room harassment of sexy Mexican sports reporter Ines Sainz has prompted many others to come forward and tell their NFL locker room horror stories. Among the reporters coming forward with allegations of catcalls, whistling, and random butt grabs are:

Indianapolis Star writer, Bob Kravitz

Former Washington Post writer, PTI host and Hannah Storm-hater, Tony Kornheiser

ESPN horse mascot, Dana Jacobson

Boston Globe female-smacking supporter, Bob Ryan

Quade Emerges as Front Runner for Cubs New Manager in 2011

Mike Quade is making a strong push to become the Cubs manager next season, especially after the recent sweep of the St. Louis Cardinals.

NFL Players Demand More Perfect Union

The 2011 NFL season stands in jeopardy. The team owners and the Players Union are deadlocked, with neither side willing to concede to anything. The longer the two sides remain at an impasse it becomes more likely that NFL fans will be without football for all or part of the 2011 season.

The NFL Players Union, lead by DeMaurice Smith, refuses to back down from their demands. Major points of contention include:

• The Players Union will not implement a rookie wage scale, so players like JaMarcus Russell can receive $45M before touching a football, then get fat and get cut from the NFL three years later.
• The Players Union wants guaranteed contracts, so when Bob Sanders signs a six year/$56M deal, plays only half the games of the first three years, and the Colts cut him after the third year, the Colts will have to pay him every penny.
• The Players Union wants NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell to have less power to punish players for minor offenses, such as sexual assault, manslaughter, or firing weapons in public places. This will give players more freedom, which they desperately deserve.

With a lockout looming, the Players Union seems willing to let their members stay home without pay. Fortunately for the players, the majority of them are fully capable of finding work that would meet or exceed their current NFL salaries.

Reporting by C. Bommarito, Dudley Dawson & Hate Nurst

Local Sandwich Wonders What Happened to Promising Night

BLOOMINGTON, IN – An Indiana University student is investigating the discovery of a local sandwich found uneaten, lying between him and another naked co-ed, Thursday morning at an off-campus, Indiana University apartment.

Ronnie Silo, a 20 year-old business major, nakedly awoke Thursday morning and found a tightly rolled sandwich lying between him and his bare-assed girlfriend, Mary Danks. Ronnie believes the sandwich was an Italian hoagie of some sort and confirmed the existence of three different types of aged meats, mayo, and some assorted veggies when he inspected it in the kitchen later that day.

“I have no clue where it came from,” said Ronnie. “Wednesday nights are always crazy. Mary and I met up for fifteen cent draft night at the Blue Bird, I believe Hairbangers Ball was playing. At some point shots were involved and the next thing I knew I woke up butt-ass naked with this un-molested, delicious sandwich sitting right there in-between us! We never made it under the covers. I don’t even think we hooked up.”

The sandwich itself appeared to be disappointed at the whole situation as well. It soggily laid on the kitchen counter, let down by the drunken students, who did not take advantage of its freshly sliced cuts of salami, ham and pepperoni, stacked inside a warm Italian roll, topped with local, organic veggies and mayo.

Sandwich creator, Gus Macklin, saw the night going in another direction.

“These two came in and right away I could tell the night wasn’t going to end well for this young hoagie. First off, they were way too intoxicated. I had to ask them three times if they were ordering #6 or #16. I was just trying to get them out the door. The girl looked like she was going spray vomit all over my tile floors. And they asked for mayo. You don't get mayo on a hoagie. Before they paid, he was holding the sandwich down by his crotch, swingin’ it around like it was his dong. But, I've seen this before. I’m not surprised that sandwich didn’t get eaten. It’s a damn shame though. All those freshly sliced cold cuts went to waste. That's really disappointing.”

Silo expressed remorse over neglecting the sandwich. Although the details of acquiring the sandwich are still fuzzy to him, he intends to eat it for an early dinner.

“Am I sorry I didn’t eat the sandwich? Sure, a little. But, then I wouldn't have even known it ever existed this morning," said a philosophical Silo. "Now I can enjoy it in all its glory, even though the bun is a little soggy and the lettuce is wilted. I think we’re all better off this way.”

Story by Hate Nurst.

Bob Sanders Achieves Personal Record; Earliest Season Exit

INDIANAPOLIS -- Despite having to play almost an entire quarter, Bob Sanders achieved a personal milestone yesterday afternoon. Sanders escaped the 2010 season after playing less than one full game.

“I compete with myself. And I try to improve every year,” said a relieved Sanders. “Last year I had to play nine games before I got a season-ending injury. This is a personal best. I can sit back and really enjoy watching some games now.”

The delicate safety hurt his elbow during the first quarter against the Houston Texans yesterday when an opposing player lightly brushed up against him. Then Sanders was being examined in the locker room during the second half when he suffered another unexpected injury.

“I just patted him on the back and said ‘hang in there,’” said team physician Doug Robertson. “I’m pretty sure I knocked his shoulder out of joint.”

After his examination Sanders was walking out of the trainer’s office and slipped on a tube of Ben Gay dislocating his left knee. As he clutched his injured knee, his right thumb unexpectedly shattered.

Sanders was scheduled undergo an MRI today, but he suffered a nasty stubbed toe at his home and has been confined to bed rest for the foreseeable future. There is no timetable for his return.

“I only know how to play this game at two speeds: Full speed and broken front axle. But, for the time I played, I think I contributed well and had a pretty productive season,” said Sanders. “I’ve got a lot of healing to do, but I’m looking forward to the offseason now.”

UPDATE: Sanders has developed several serious bed sores since being placed on bed rest this morning.

BREAKING NEWS: The Colts training staff was able to duct tape Sanders together and he survived the light walkthrough practice this afternoon.



Reporting by C. Bommarito, Dudley Dawson and Hate Nurst

Friday Sports Shorts

Tom Brady: Media Whore

The Patriots precious QB has dominated the news cycle this week. First, Brady was involved in a two-vehicle accident Thursday morning when a minivan collided with his vehicle and knocked over a light post. Fortunately, Gisele was not in the vehicle and not injured. Earlier today, New England announced Brady agreed to a four-year, $72M contract extension. No word on how this news has affected Gisele.

Ugoh Comes to Grips with Change

The National Football League changed a lot during Tony Ugoh’s long career. Since 2007, Ugoh has started 24 games and amassed just as many injuries, preventing him from becoming a reliable Left Tackle. His Colts career ended this week when he was cut from the team.

"I didn’t take it so well,” said a blubbering Ugoh. “I resorted to eating pint after pint of Ben and Jerry’s Americone Dream and watching Steel Magnolia’s on a continuous loop on Blu-ray. But then I got even worse news and I don’t know what to do with myself now.”

Ugoh received confirmation Curtis Painter made the Colts roster for a second straight year. The thought of being out of the NFL and Painter -- who has the speed of a cheetah missing three legs -- making the roster haunts the former second-round draft pick. Ugoh currently spends his days watching reruns of The Andy Griffith Show, playing with his Tickle Me Elmo, and organizing his grass blades collection, while Curtis Painter plays in the NFL.

Hulkster Leg-Drops Hospital Visit

Hulk Hogan was released from a Florida hospital earlier this week after being admitted on Monday for severe back pain. Little Hulk-a-maniacs all around the world initially wondered if the Hulkster had received the ultimate suplex from God, but Hogan quickly quelled those concerns when he posted a Twitvid of himself dropping a massive elbow on an emergency room intern. The Hulkster later released a Twitvid of himself locking his fiance, Jennifer McDanial,in a full-nelson while declaring, “First workout after back surgery, brother!”

NFL Opener Leaves Fantasy Football Nerds Confused

Last night’s season opener between the Vikings and Saints also kicked off the regular season of emotional confusion for fantasy football fanatics everywhere.

Local fantasy enthusiast Eric Breitzman is the proud owner of the Saints Defense but also has Adrian Peterson as his starting running back. “I’m down with Peterson scoring but it’s really going to fuck up my defensive scoring.”

Breitzman was elated the Saints D shut-down Peterson, although he was mildly depressed that Peterson didn’t score a touchdown.

Clint Session Fun Facts

• Everything is bigger in Texas, especially Clint Session's blood-lust.
  
• The devil sold his soul to Clint Session.
• Clint Session can smell fear, like a skank can smell Axe body spray.
• Clint Session is the nation's leading cause of pain-killer addition.
• There are two types of outside linebackers in the NFL. Ones who suck and Clint Session.
• It's always sunny wherever Clint Session goes, because the sun never sets on a baddass.
• Clint Session can believe it's not butter. Always has.
• Clint Session is so cool he has his own theme music that follows him around, performed live by the Wu Tang Clan - including ODB!
• Some regret that they have but one life to give to their country. Clint Session has ten lives and regrets nothing.
• Clint Session didn’t cut his dreads, he stopped them short of gaining yardage.
• During college Clint Session played every defensive position on the field… at the same time!
• Behind every successful man there's a woman. Behind every unconscious running back there's Clint Session.
• Staring directly at Clint Session for too long can lead to false starts, blood loss and early death in certain situations.
• Scientists renamed the Speed of Sound the Speed of Clint Session.
• Clint Session can injure quarterbacks by just watching them on TV. The Colts don't allow him to watch film of Peyton.
• Clint Session doesn’t tackle. He provides near death experiences.
• Clint Session would be on the FBI's most dangerous list, if he wasn't our nation's greatest defense.
• The NFL has been forced to change the stat Tackles to Clint Sessions.
• Clint Session's beard could provide clothing for all the homeless children of the world. Too bad he never shaves.
• Snapped necks far outnumber snap counts when Clint Session is on the field.
• There is no chin under Clint Session’s beard. Only another beard, covering a fist.
• Last year, after a playoff game, several Colts players pissed their names in the snow. Clint Session pissed his name in the concrete.

Reporting by C. Bommarito, Dudley Dawson & Hate Nurst

Local Home Brewer Forces Friends to Drink Horrible Beer

ROCKY RIPPLE, IN – Alleged beer enthusiast, Jeff Treadwell, forced several friends to drink his latest batch of homebrew this Labor Day weekend. He offered his guests free bratwursts and burgers as well as his ill-concocted swill. The majority of his guests eagerly responded to his offer of free beer, but failed to realize they would be forced to sample more of Treadwell’s many personal brewing blends.

"Why does Jeff still try to get us to drink this crap," said party guest Reggie Franklin. "He had three types on Saturday. One he called 'Treadwell's Fire'. It tasted like spicy glass."

Treadwell’s personal brands of homebrews on tap included Jeff's BP Spill Stout and Meth Pale Ale in addition to Treadwell's Fire. Treadwell creates his brews from basic Internet instructions then adds his own spices as he deems necessary. Treadwell's Fire mixes hops and
ground jalapeno seeds fermented in a Kingsford charcoal bag. BP Spill Stout Stout mixes extra malt with Hershey's Syrup, salt and seaweed. Despite its name, Meth Pale Ale contains no actual methamphetamine, just a mild blend of wheat, barley, and household chemicals including iodine, grain alcohol, Children’s Nyquil and Pop Rocks.

"I've just about got this homebrew thing mastered," said Treadwell. "I even bought a few bottles of other beers to have a taste test. I lined up New Belgium Fat Tire, Bell's Oberon, and Sun King Sunlight Cream Ale then asked my buddies if any were better than my -- soon to be famous -- homebrews."

Unfortunately for Treadwell, all of his guests agreed his beer tasted like gorilla piss mixed with vinegar, which, coincidentally, can be found in Jeff's Jungle Pilsner.

“I’m sick of hearing about his mead recipe and pasteurization process,” said a queasy Franklin. “I only came here for some beer and college football. Instead I’ll be getting my stomach pumped now.”

Most guests who tasted his beer either spit it out or vomited before any permanent damage occurred. Three guests were not so lucky. Cindy Baker, Rachel Jenson and Trent Stanton were all rushed to Methodist Hospital to be treated for seizures and have their stomachs pumped. All are listed in serious but stable condition.

Story by Dudley Dawson

IMPD Begins Damage Control (and not just squad cars this time)

Amidst recent controversy the Indianapolis Metropolitan Police Department is testing out several new mottos to update the old IPD motto, Integrity, Pride, Dedication.

IMPD...

1. Locked and Loaded

2. Taking a Bite Out of Crime and Washing it Down with a JagerBomb

3. To Protect and Get Some Swerve-on

4. Pride, Dedication, Cheese Fries

5. We Booze, You Lose

6. Yeeeeeeee-Haaaaaw

7. Cops Dart Drive Smart

8. You Called 911, But it’s Five O’Clock Somewhere

9. Blaze and Taze

10. Kick’n Ass & Drink’n Beer, Since 1821

11. IMPD = I’m Patrolling Drunk

12. Over the Limit, Under Arrest, Just Kidding

13. To Protect and Serve...BOOZE

14. The Right Tools for the Job

15. Shooting Whiskey, Not Citizens

Reporting by The Indianapoliser Investigative Action Team