Cubs' Colvin Proves He is Not a Vampire
Cubs catcher, Wellington Castillo, has become increasingly suspicious of teammate Tyler Colvin throughout his short stint with the Chicago Cubs -- his rare day game appearances and aversion to garlic -- But Castillo’s suspicions reached a boiling point last Saturday when he overheard Colvin giving hitting advice to shortstop Starlin Castro. “Become the bat! Like me, I always go for the throat of the competition,” said Colvin. Castillo took decisive action Sunday afternoon and strategically shattered his wooden bat, flinging the Maple splinter into Colvin’s chest. Colvin was rushed to the hospital where he was treated and released, Wednesday afternoon, unharmed and decidedly mortal.
“I come from a long line of Vampire slayers, yet I am still just a rookie,” said a cautious Castillo, gently twisting his Rosary beads. “It was a rookie mistake. I should have just went with the Crucifix.”
Session's Personal Favor
Last Sunday’s Manning Bowl II lacked a certain violence which most Colts fans have become accustomed to. Clint Session was absent from game action (allegedly) due to a misbehaving hammy. Although many fans believe Peyton asked Session to spare his young brothers life and sit for the game. Since the city of Indianapolis has a long history of winning against the shitty products from the state of New York, Session obliged. Rookie Kavell Conner filled in nicely with five tackles, but disappointed with zero dismemberments.
UFC 119 Coming to Conseco Fieldhouse
Ultimate Fighting Championship will make its first stop in Indianapolis this Saturday. For those of you unfamiliar with the sport, just imagine the Jerry Springer show running for three hours, in a large arena. Unfortunately this is one of those Springer episodes with a bunch of white trash fighting and no quality nudity.
You should also expect a sharp spike in meth prices throughout the metro area all weekend, due to high demand. The unofficial Best Tweak Dust competition will take place outside the venue. Top meth producers have traveled in their RVs from the far corners of Whitetrashistan to enter their lowest quality products in this -- soon to be annual -- event.
Jack'n Dongs!
Jose Bautista of the Toronto Blue Jays hit his 50th home run of the season against the Seattle Mariners yesterday. The right fielder became the 26th player in MLB history to reach the 50-home-run mark and the first to reach 50 jacks since Prince Fielder and Alex Rodriguez both connected for over 50 dongers in 2007.
Unfortunately, with conversion rates, 50 home runs in Canada only equals 48 home runs and a double in the United States. But, the slugger still has a couple weeks to make up the difference.
Reporting by C. Bommarito, Dudley Dawson & Hate Nurst
