Friday, August 5, 2011

Friday Sports Shorts

New Contract Allows Peyton to Drop the "Awe Shucks" Routine

Quarterback Peyton Manning signed a five-year, $90 million contract late last week. According to sources Manning turned down a much larger offer and held out in order to work in a clause which lets him finally be himself.

"I'm sick of this goddamned nice guy routine," said a five o'clock shadow wearing Manning. "It's time I loosen the fuck up a little and tell shit like it is, hombre."

Teammates noticed an immediate difference in Manning when he pulled up to training camp on his Harley Dyna Wide Glide motorcycle, arms covered in tattoos. He was prepared as ever, but spent his first 20 minutes of camp throwing empty bottles of Old No. 7 at Curtis Painter and Nate Davis while they took snaps with the first team offense. “That’s Mario Fucking Williams on a blitz and now you’re dead,” yelled Manning from his lawn chair.

Manning has also left long-time lucrative sponsors Reebok and Gatorade. His agent is currently in talks with Redman smokeless tobacco and Smith & Wesson.

An Open Letter to Clint Session, From the Indianapoliser Staff

Dear Mr. Session,

You stole our hearts, and promptly ate them. You will be missed, O Bearded One. Your exit from the Colts hits us hard, just like how we used to dream of being tackled by you on a fourth and short, with you ripping through our torso, looking past us with a maniacal glare, like we weren’t even there. Those dreams were happy ones. Your departure is not.

They won’t love you like we did. They won’t lay your 55 jersey on the driveway and jump off of the roof of the house, landing on it, man breast first, just to feel what it may have been like to get hit by you. They won’t put nickels in the eyes of their passed out drunk friends and tape a sign to them proclaiming “Clint Session laid my ass out!”

Do you think those abnormally white Floridians in Jacksonville will talk about you like this? Probably not.

  • It’s always sunny wherever Clint Session goes, because the sun never sets on a baddass.
  • Clint Session can believe it’s not butter. Always has.
  • Clint Session is so cool he has his own theme music that follows him around, performed live by the Wu Tang Clan - including ODB!
  • Some regret that they have but one life to give to their country. Clint Session has ten lives and regrets nothing.
  • • Behind every successful man there’s a woman. Behind every unconscious running back there’s Clint Session.
  • Clint Session doesn’t tackle. He provides near death experiences.
  • Clint Session would be on the FBI’s most dangerous list, if he wasn’t our nation’s greatest defense.
  • Clint Session’s beard could provide clothing for all the homeless children of the world. Too bad he never shaves.
  • Snapped necks far outnumber snap counts when Clint Session is on the field.
  • There is no chin under Clint Session’s beard. Only another beard, covering a fist.
  • Last year, after a playoff game, several Colts players pissed their names in the snow. Clint Session pissed his name in the concrete.
So long old friend. Every time we see the 55 clad Ernie Sims smearing running backs onto the turf we’ll secretly be thinking of you.

Wishing you a minor injury when you play the Colts,
-The Indianapoliser

Lieutenant Moses Hightower Passes Away

Lieutenant Moses Hightower died of natural causes this week. The retired officer is best known for his detective work in "Police Academy 1", "Police Academy 2", "Police Academy 3", "Police Academy 4", "Police Academy 5" and "Police Academy 6". Lt. Hightower ultimately hit a crescendo in "Police Academy 7; Moscow Nights", where he successfully detained three Russian mob members at once with a bear hug until reinforcements could arrive.

“Hightower was a gentle giant. I don’t even think he carried a gun,” revealed Carey Mahoney, former graduate of Police Academy and friend of Lt. Hightower. “His weapon of choice was a soft-spoken voice and oversized sledgehammer shaped fists. Those fists made for some interesting nights at the academy”

A noted civil rights advocate, Lt. Hightower was briefly dismissed from the Police Academy after a brave act of civil disobedience, standing-up to cadet Chad Copeland who used a racial slur to insult Hightower's friend and fellow cadet Laverne Hooks.

Lt. Hightower also had a brief career portraying Bubba Smith, a defensive standout at Michigan State University, who was drafted as the number one overall pick in 1967 by the Baltimore Colts.