Thursday, May 27, 2010

FSS: Talkin' Track Edition

Fueled by Vodka

The Indianapoliser would like to personally congratulate Ed Carpenter in scoring his new ride for the Indy 500 and for grabbing the 8th position in the starting grid. Ed will be driving the black number 20 Fuzzy’s Ultra Premium Vodka car. A visibly drunk Fuzzy Zoeller, who sponsors the car, acknowledged Carpenter’s driving skills but also took time to pump up advertising for his delicious fire water. “After a couple a shots of Fuzzy’s Ultra Premium Vodka I like to take a piss into Ed’s gas tank. Really gets that fucker movin’ around that oval.”

Castroneves Loves the Pole

A jubilant, Brylcreemed, Helio Castroneves took the pole position for the 4th time in his career. The fan favorite Castroneves climbed out of his car, overflowing with, well, love. “I love this place! It’s the most beautiful place on Earth. Look at all these wonderful fans! I love all of them, especially that blonde one over there, in the white bikini. I love my car! It’s such a wonderful car, and super fast too you know. I can’t express how much I love my team at this moment in time.”

Danica’s Bitchin’ Ride

Danica Patrick turned in another bitchy track performance while qualifying. Amazingly she blamed everything but her shitty driving skills for her mediocre performance. Women drivers all around the world will now feel the brunt of her comments.

Danica is also upset her "Hotness factor" dropped this year. Simona De Silvestro, Milka Dunno and Dan Wheldon have all been deemed prettier.

Wet French Open

Rain delayed Thursday matches at the French Open. However, the rain did not stop Venus Williams from showing up in her lace tennis corset and skin toned Spankies. The revealing outfit, showing off her muscular man-ass, made quite an impact in Paris, presenting an unsightly ass has become all the rage and the look has been dubbed a "French Open." Venus later stripped down to a full, flesh colored body suit and set up a stage where fans could towel dry her for $5.

Reporting by C. Bommarito and Hate Nurst

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Third Stall Glory Hole Temporarily Closed for Repairs

LOST RIVER, IN – A glory hole located at Big Jake’s Saloon is temporarily closed for maintenance. According to Big Jake, owner and operator of the bar and its glory hole, the maintenance service includes widening the glory hole in order to attract a broader demographic to the saloon.

Regulars speculated the glory hole just needs a proper spring cleaning, disinfecting and polish. However, glory hole engineers from Rose-Hulman Institute of Technology have been brought in to perform a complete reconstruction. Project manager, Hank Genoa, said the project has two goals.

“We’re really trying to work both ends of the shaft on this project. While the glory hole does need a good polish, we decided widening the glory hole is necessary for future growth," said Genoa. "By expanding the hole, we also increase the variety of dicks that can be placed in it. This glory hole project has become a mouthful, but we really needed to double-up on our options.”

Genoa also hinted that a brass ring would be fitted to the glory hole, in order to soften sharp edges after the larger hole is cut. The antique brass also provides users with an authentic, old-tymie glory hole experience.

Patrons of the bar will have to endure traffic constraints around the 3rd stall in the men’s restroom. A marked detour, leading to the 4th stall, will enable glory hole enthusiasts’ access to another shitter but no alternate glory hole will be provided.

“We expect the loss of the glory hole, while only temporary, will erect an excess of unsatisfied customers,” stated Big Jake. “We'll take a blow to our business from this, but we’ll come through it.”

The glory hole expansion project reaffirms Big Jake’s commitment to improve social restroom behavior and stimulate the local market one dollar at a time. An estimated four jobs will be created by the glory hole project, not including the influx of new glory hole attendants who will likely pour in and cram the completed glory hole.

Construction crews are set to start work on the glory hole as soon as the proper permits are obtained from the County City Office of Glory Hole Construction and displayed in proper manner.

The peephole to the women’s restroom will not be affected while construction takes place, but will not serve as an alternate glory hole. No time table has been set for the re-opening of the glory hole. And throughout construction Thursday will remain ladies' night at Big Jake's

Story by Hate Nurst

Monday, May 24, 2010

LOST Finale; Horrible, Brilliant, Definitive, Ambiguous

True to its nature, the long-running drama's final episode left fans talking, asking more questions and leaving annoying status updates on Facebook. Here's what some Indianapoliser readers had to say:

"So, like, are they dead or what?" - Jeff, Broad Ripple

"I really hope I had something better to do for two and a half hours last night in my parallel life." - Jay, Meridian Hills

"It was OK, but I liked this week's 'Grey's Anatomy' better. I mean, 'LOST' relies way too much on plot and character. I prefer shows that rely solely on shock value and make me freak out and have panic attacks all night trying to figure out who's going to bite the dust. Last night involved way too much thinking." - Paula, Brownsburg

"I'm confused. Why weren't Nikki and Paulo in the church?" - Pierre, Fall Creek

"Wait, so... Sun can speak English? And... Locke can WALK?" - Mona, Lawrence

"I haven't been watching the show for the past six years, but everyone said the finale would be so great that I just had to watch, and I have to say, this is the WORST show EVER. This makes no sense, and I just couldn't follow it. Who are these people? What's up with this island and that weird light? I don't get how anyone could watch this shit." - Paul, Monrovia

"Is this supposed to be set just before Tom Hanks and that volleyball named Wilson show up?" - Rex, Edinburgh

"Thank God that's over. Matthew Fox is finally free to do a 'Party of Five' reunion show now!" - Taylor, Beech Grove

"This show was so unrealistic. I mean everyone knows islands in the South Pacific don't have that shade of sand." - Randy, Bargersville

"I was hoping it would all just be a bad acid trip the fat kid was having on the plane." - Lindsey, Fishers

"I must have missed it, when did Piggy get crushed by the boulder?" - William G, Shelbyville

"Screw a spin off! They totally left it open for a sequel, 'LOST II'!" - Ben, Bloomington

Reporting by Penny Quarter and C. Bommarito

Friday, May 21, 2010

Hazed and Confused

Four former Carmel boys basketball team members were charged with misdemeanor charges of battery and criminal recklessness this week. A documentary about the troubled team is currently being filmed. Producers are still working on a title. Their first choice, Teen Anal Penetration with a Cell Phone was already taken by a wildly popular adult film franchise. New choices include: Hoop Screams, Lane Violations, Blue Chops, Back-Door Cuts, Personal Space Jam and The Hurt Locker 2.

Lebron’s Mom Moves West

Last week several sports blogs reported rumors that Lebron James’ mother had an intimate relationship with his teammate Delonte West. This relationship is said to have upset team chemistry during the playoffs.

All parties involved, including LeBron’s lawyer, have denied the rumors. Yet King James recently said he has become more suspicious after he asked West to grab some extra balls out of the bin during practice. West responded, “That’s what your mom said.”

Other teammates also doubted the rumors, citing that LeBron's mama's so ugly she looked out the window and got arrested for mooning. The coaching staff was skeptical as well. One coach noted LeBron's mama's so so stupid she sold her car for gas money.

Talkin' Track

The Indianapoliser Track Squad (T.I.T.S) went trackside this week to cover all the action at the IMS. Several drivers had lots of track time. Some cars were even able to reach really, really fast speeds. While other drivers were not so lucky and may or may not have crashed into the wall in one of the four turns.

T.I.T.S also investigated a freshly packed Igloo cooler found in the infield. Inside the Squad uncovered countless ice cold Pabst Blue Ribbon Light beers and a couple ham on rye sandwiches. Several coeds joined T.I.T.S. and enjoyed the slightly favorable conditions from the infield. Nighttime rain provided an ideal setting for a mudslide competition in turn four. Many white t-shirted women were able to expose themselves to crowds of racing enthusiasts creating a great deal of excitement.

Reporting by C. Bommarito, Dudley Dawson and Hate Nurst

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Souder Resigns, Unoriginally

WASHINGTON — Family values conservative, abstinence-only education proponent, douchey-looking douchebag, US Representative Mark Souder of Ft. Wayne resigned his congressional seat after admitting to an affair with part-time staffer, Tracey Meadows.

At a press conference yesterday morning, most reporters turned off their recorders and stopped listening after the word "affair" was said. It’s assumed Souder went on to say a bunch of crap about spending more time with his family and possibly the family dog. He, no doubt, mentioned the importance of his faith and how much he loved America too. He probably even talked about continuing to serve his country somehow and used the word "regret" four to six times. Without actually listening to the speech it’s hard to determine exactly how many clich├ęs or sports metaphors may have been used.

Meadows was unavailable for comment. Very few details about her have emerged so far. She is known as a staunch supporter of abstinence-only education (whoops) and she spent countless, fun-filled hours on Souder’s staff.

Reporting by C. Bommarito

Friday, May 14, 2010

Mini Marathon Started with Monster Attack

Saturday's OneAmerica 500 Festival Mini-Marathon drew approximately 35,000 people, once again deeming the race a success. The first Mini-Marathon, however, took place out of necessity when a carnival of monsters attacked the small village of Indianapolis, chasing about 40 villagers through the west side, around the old dirt pig racing track (now the Indianapolis Motor Speedway) and back to the center of the village. Most of the villagers lost their lives that day as the monster finally caught up with them and tore limbs from bodies and heads off of necks. The monsters used the limbs to bat the heads around a grassy knoll on the Southwest side of town. This event spawned the first AAA baseball team in Indianapolis, now known as the Indianapolis Indians.

Conseco Fieldhouse gets new name

Carmel based Insurer Conseco Inc. changed its name to CNO Financial Group this week, prompting the Indiana Pacers to rename Conseco Fieldhouse to Tits and Ass Court.

"Our demographic research shows the majority of NBA fans, males ages 17 to 45, really enjoy tits and ass, or T&A as we've been calling it around the office," says Pacers Chief of Court Naming Rex Newsome.

To reinforce the T&A concept, the Pacers Entertainment Group will replace the Pacemates with entertainers from area strip clubs every fifth home game. Those games will require anyone under the age of 18 to be accompanied by an adult. It's too early to know if this strategic gamble will pay off, but one-fifth of home games have already sold out.

Lebron sweepstakes expands outside of NBA

This week's Cleveland Cavaliers series loss to the Boston Celtics officially opens the speculation as to where superstar Lebron James will play next year. Cleveland hopes to retain its star but the New York Knicks, Chicago Bulls, and New Jersey Nets have all been rumored to make a play on this year's league MVP.

The ABA Lake Michigan Admirals have announced they will also make a play for James. Coming off a 15 - 6 season and an ABA final 4 appearance at the South Suburban College Fieldhouse in Chicago, the Admirals feel primed to go after a big name player. The team, based out of Benton Harbor Michigan, plans to prove they're serious by expanding their home court gym at Lake Michigan Catholic High School from a capacity of 600 to 650.

Their offer has been rumored to be an 8 year $4500 contract. The Admirals have also offered to rename streets in Benton Harbor to whatever Lebron chooses and have promised to ensure he receives a 15% discount at Denny's and Outback. The Lake Michigan Admirals hope its an offer Lebron considers.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Goth Tech Firm Launches
Anti-Social Networking Website

SILICON VALLEY, CA. -- Frownees Inc. announced today the startup of the first website aimed at keeping goth kids disconnected from their peers and acquaintances. Gazebook uses an interface reminiscent of Facebook, but with features specifically designed for tortured souls.

"We want to revolutionize the way goth kids avoid communicating with each other," said Orion, Dark Lord of Frownees Inc. "For example, you won't find 'friend requests' on Gazebook. Instead users will find options to link up with their favorite non-conformist retailers like our corporate sponsor, Hot Topic."

The homepage of Gazebook is set up much like a journal. Users set up profiles with which to publish rants about the establishment, unfair practices by conformists, and hair glue reviews. The profiles are viewable only to the publisher and like-minded non-conformists.

A special security feature takes privacy one step further than most social networking sites. Any new member must answer a series of questions to establish their credibility as a non-conformist. This extra layer is intended to protect users from wedgies at the hands of jocks or any sort of prying by nosey parents. Gazebook aims to keep the user completely isolated from the cruel outside world.

Frownees hopes that their new profile search engine, GRPTHINK, will revolutionize the way non-conformists link up with each other. "We adopted an engine similar to the ones used on online dating sites," says Death, Senior Dungeon Master for Frownees. "We carefully ensure
that no two goth kids' profiles are linked unless they have the exact same political and social opinions."

The launch of the website has been endorsed by numerous bands who are reported to have achieved some level of fame. The Sisters of Mercy and The Cure set up the first two corporate profiles in hopes to attract more followers.
Story by E. Goldberg