Fueled by Vodka
The Indianapoliser would like to personally congratulate Ed Carpenter in scoring his new ride for the Indy 500 and for grabbing the 8th position in the starting grid. Ed will be driving the black number 20 Fuzzy’s Ultra Premium Vodka car. A visibly drunk Fuzzy Zoeller, who sponsors the car, acknowledged Carpenter’s driving skills but also took time to pump up advertising for his delicious fire water. “After a couple a shots of Fuzzy’s Ultra Premium Vodka I like to take a piss into Ed’s gas tank. Really gets that fucker movin’ around that oval.”
Castroneves Loves the Pole
A jubilant, Brylcreemed, Helio Castroneves took the pole position for the 4th time in his career. The fan favorite Castroneves climbed out of his car, overflowing with, well, love. “I love this place! It’s the most beautiful place on Earth. Look at all these wonderful fans! I love all of them, especially that blonde one over there, in the white bikini. I love my car! It’s such a wonderful car, and super fast too you know. I can’t express how much I love my team at this moment in time.”
Danica’s Bitchin’ Ride
Danica Patrick turned in another bitchy track performance while qualifying. Amazingly she blamed everything but her shitty driving skills for her mediocre performance. Women drivers all around the world will now feel the brunt of her comments.
Danica is also upset her "Hotness factor" dropped this year. Simona De Silvestro, Milka Dunno and Dan Wheldon have all been deemed prettier.
Wet French Open
Rain delayed Thursday matches at the French Open. However, the rain did not stop Venus Williams from showing up in her lace tennis corset and skin toned Spankies. The revealing outfit, showing off her muscular man-ass, made quite an impact in Paris, presenting an unsightly ass has become all the rage and the look has been dubbed a "French Open." Venus later stripped down to a full, flesh colored body suit and set up a stage where fans could towel dry her for $5.
Reporting by C. Bommarito and Hate Nurst