Sunday, October 24, 2010

Belated Friday Sports Shorts

Colts injuries continue to pile up

Last week the Indianapolis Colts received more bad news on the injury front. The team announced that Dallas Clark, Joseph Addai, Anthony Johnson, and Austin Collie are all out indefinitely leaving them very depleted. Today, they added two more to their ever expanding injury list.

"Unfortunately today we have to announce we've lost two other key contributers to our club indefintitely", says Team President Bill Polian, "Gary Treadwell and Linda Davis have sustained injuries that will keep them from performing their duties."

Treadwell, the team's lead janitor, suffered a concussion and minor ACL tear while mopping the entry way at the 56th street practice facility. Davis, the team's backup accounting secretary received 17 stitches and sustained a broken collarbone in a freak pencil sharpening accident. The Colts are holding roster spots for both in hopes they will be able to return at the end of the season. However, ESPN's Adam Schefter reports that both have sustained season ending injuries and won't be back until next year.

Purdue stars to stay committed to each other

Two weeks ago the Purdue Boilermaker Men’s basketball team suffered a huge blow with the loss of Robbie Hummel. Hummel will miss the entire season after suffering his second ACL tear. At the time it reduced the number of major Purdue stars to two with E’Twaan Moore and JaJuan Johnson. This week, the Boilers announced some news that could get fans excited for next year.

“We still have the ability to be a very good team this year", says Purdue Coach Matt Painter, "but there is a way we could be a great team next year. That’s why we’ve decided to let Moore and Johnson injure themselves at the next practice.”

In order to reunite with Hummel, Johnson and Moore have agreed to have their ACL’s torn so they too will get a medical redshirt and sit out this year. All three will heal and be ready to go for next year. Even with the added injury, both Moore and Johnson are on track for a career in the NBA. Because of two ACL injuries and a back injury, that may not be the case for Hummel. However, Mel Kiper Jr. reports that his injuries have the Indianapolis Colts very interested and may use a late draft pick to add him to their receiving corp.

James Harrison decides NFL paycheck isn’t so bad

Earlier this week Pittsburgh Steelers linebacker James Harrison left the team temporarily and contemplated retirement. His exit from the team was due to the NFL deciding that it will start enforcing the ‘leading with the helmet’ rule that cracks down on dirty players. Harrison, who has openly admitted that he loves to hurt people, felt the NFL was trying to single him out and on Monday decided he would no longer tolerate the league’s unfair treatment of him.

After approximately 20 minutes of weighing his options and examining the employment landscape that he would qualify for, Harrison has rejoined the team and will suit up against the Miami Dolphins this Sunday.

As it turns out his only options outside of football, White Castle counter boy and dishwasher at Denny’s, didn’t pay quite as well.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Friday Sports Shorts

MMMM...Creamy fall off the bone hammy

Notre Dame tight end, Kyle Rudolph will miss the rest of the season with a torn hamstring. Initial reports stated the sweet, succulent hamstring fell right off the bone. Rudolph struggled with the hammy throughout summer camp but was thought to be 100 percent at the start of the season. Notre Dame’s assistant medical trainer reflected on the treatment of Rudolph’s injury.

“We found a treatment for pulled hamstrings left behind by the old staff, so we decided to use it. We rubbed the hamstring down with some apple cider vinegar and Himalayan sea salt. Then we smoked the hamstring with hickory chips for 8 hours. When we picked Rudy up off the field, the tender hammy fell right off the bone. Turns out the treatment we found was actually coach Weis’ recipe for hickory smoked ham. We regret the mistake.”

Reporting by Hate Nurst

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Ron Artest tweets + Garfield

(Click to hugenize)

Tweeted 10-1-10

Tweeted 10-11-10

Tweeted 10-12-10

Friday, October 1, 2010

Friday Sports Shorts

Crean Lands Young Recruits

This week IU basketball coach Tom Crean landed two recruits. James Blackmon, a guard at Fort Wayne Bishop Luers, will be a freshman next season. The other, 14 year-old Arsenal Tech forward Trey Lyles, is the number one recruit for the class of 2014 according to

Crean plans on taking additional recruiting trips before Midnight Madness kicks off later this month. Saturday he will take third ranked small forward for the 2019 class, Tommy Pool, to the Children's Museum and next month he has a play-date scheduled with the number two ranked center for the 2024 class, Billy McGriff, at the Beech Grove KinderCare on North 18th Avenue.

Pimp'n Rides

Former Butler star Gordon Hayward bought a Honda Accord with his big contract money earlier this week. The Accord is seen as a sensible, reliable, economical and not-too-flashy choice, much like the young man himself.

In related news, the Pacers second-round draft pick, Lance Stephenson, bought a Delorean. Much like Stephenson, the Delorean was once intriguing and promising, but now seems like a mind-boggling stupid fucking decision.

Where There’s Smoke in Cincinnati…

The Cincinnati Reds clinched their first playoff berth in fifteen years this week. However, 38 year-old virgin, Dan Stinson, tipped off Cincinnati authorities alerting them that the Reds post-game celebration -- which included cigar smoking -- was in violation of the city's ban on smoking in public places. Cincinnati Police had no choice but to shut down the Reds party in their locker room.

"It is very important they follow the law," said Stinson from his step-mom's attic, where he hasn't left in seven years. "In the off chance I could be in or passing by that locker room, the lingering smoke could potentially affect my health!"

Upon news of the potential fines and community service to be imposed on the players, owner Bob Castellini declared every home game for the 2011 regular season “Kick Dan Stinson's Ass Day.”

Reporting by Dudley Dawson, C. Bommarito, and Hate Nurst