Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Blue II, Blue III, One Throne

Last week’s introduction of Blue III, or “Trip” as he is also known, by Butler University has many embracing the push toward future success. But why would the university introduce another bulldog?

Trip was born on Dec. 23, 2011 in Lizton, Indiana. He is the grandson of Ch. Cherokee Legend Rock, a very successful bulldog in the competition circuit. Both Blue II and Trip live with a Butler staff member. Often they are mistaken for father and son by visitors. They are far from it.

Not too long ago another young Bulldog was introduced in a deep-rooted fieldhouse located in central Indiana. His future was bright and no one knew the glory that would grace his presence and his team. Blue II was his name and his team made one of the most improbable runs in NCAA history. Twice.

Blue II's success was swift and his chubby little legs could hardly keep up with the celebrity that he was. The light of two finals appearances quickly turned to darkness with two finals losses. The offseason brought little satisfaction to Blue II’s hungry soul. Thousands of bitches came and went. Blue II couldn't have cared less. He had already leg-humped his way to the top. Quickly Blue II turned to another love, dog bones, booze and regrettably...cocaine. Celebrity had truly taken hold of Blue II

Trip, the little fur-ball on energy signifies the energy of this young Butler team. A team that struggled at the beginning of the season but now has found its way. Many believe this team can still make some noise in the NCAA tournament but a Horizon League Tournament Championship must be acquired for this team to gain entrance. Who better to lead this team to victory than little Trip?

Long gone are Blue II’s puppy ways and the skip in his step. His testicles dropped ages ago and growing older has taken its toll on this eight-year-old “dawg.”

Fans have turned on Blue II for his offseason behavior as well. A summer arrest in which Blue II was found guilty of sodomizing felines in the back of his limo produced a cloud of uncertainty for his future with the team. Many blame Blue II for his distractions, which prompted the lackluster start to the season.

Trip and Blue II will have their moment in the sun together, at the tip-off of the Horizon League Tournament. Trip will glide to fame across the court at Hinkle Fieldhouse. Rumors are swirling about Blue II's role. Some believe he'll be sitting on the sideline taking in a victory lap season before retirement. Others suggest euthanization in front of thousands of bloodthirsty Bulldog fans for the good of the team, a sacrifice to the Basketball Gods at the tip of the tournament. No matter what you believe, Blue II will not go quietly. The drunken bastard will gnaw the hand off of any groundskeeper that tries to place him in a garbage bag and bury him.

A Butler insider says that they expect big things from Trip and for Butler fans to embrace him. “Everyone loves a puppy.” And, it appears he’s right. Butler’s Feb. 18 home game sold out at the announcement of Trip’s impending introduction. Fans, alumni and students adored him. Blue II made a brief appearance before heading to Moe and Johnny’s and ending up at the bottom of a bottle of Beam Eight Star. "We've got special plans for Blue II as well," noted the insider. A grim foreshadowing.

Butler officials dispute all the above rumors, saying, “Having Trip on hand now means he will learn from the best and be fully prepared for the day when he officially takes the reins as Butler’s ‘Top Dawg.’” Just propaganda to save face by Butler higher-ups, secretly shoving their dignity aside for a greater good. A disgraceful ending to a tragic mascot.

Story by Kay Anderson

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Make-A-Wish Fulfills Eli's Super Bowl Dream

The Make-A-Wish foundation has granted wishes for thousands of children battling life threatening medical conditions. This week Eli Manning, seen here soliciting an autograph from a member of the media, will have his wish granted. Although no one is sure what Manning suffers from, one thing is for sure, that goofy bastard should be wearing a helmet 100 percent of the time.

The foundation stepped up to the plate when they fielded a phone call from a concerned New York vagabond who witnessed little Manning walking around with his head stuck in his shirtsleeve. A failed attempt to put on a common V-neck by the half-pint Manning. Others watched in amazement as Manning was determined to fit his melon through the wrong hole of his shirt, many even cheering him on. Manning seemed to thrive off of the crowd, smiling and bursting out with screams of joy while he flailed about. Eventually the little guy tuckered out and took a nap.

Make-A-Wish reached out to Manning, even though no obvious medical condition could be confirmed, and granted him one wish. Merriment swelled in Manning’s eyes as he gazed at his neck-less brother Peyton and made the wish of playing for his second ring, one more than his older brother.

"I know he's bigger than me," mumbled Manning, as his nearby father reminded him to sit-up straight and speak up. "But, he got to go to two. I thought maybe I could go to two Super Bowls too. And after that I hope we can all get ice cream!"

This, however, is not the first time the organization has reached out to Manning. While on a trip to Miami to watch his big brother play football, the foundation surprised the younger Manning and sent Taylor Lautner to help him construct a sand castle.

"It was the best day of my life because we ate ice cream in the sand," said Manning."

When contacted, Make-A-Wish could not confirm that they were indeed going to provide any ice cream for this wish.

Story by Hate Nurst