Friday, January 29, 2010

Oden shows off impressive low post game

Huge basketball star and Lawrence North alum Greg Oden apologized to fans this week for inappropriate pictures that popped up on the Internet. In a long statement, the giant said he regretted taking the photos of himself, saying it was “an enormous error, a really, really big, gigantic mistake.”

Some speculated the photos were used in “sext messages” sent to admiring female fans. But Oden admitted they were actually sent to opposing players in an effort to intimidate them before big games.

Area Golf Courses fear a bleak 2011

Many Indy golf courses were upset to learn Congressman Steve Buyer will not seek another term in office. Without his "scholarship" fundraising, many area courses will see a severe dip in business. Fortunately, no students will lose funding for school, since Rep. Buyer never awarded a scholarship despite his tremendous fundraising.

More Clint Session Fun Facts
  • Chuck Norris had to get Clint Session’s permission to grow a beard.
  • Clint Session didn’t cut his dreads, he stopped them short of gaining yardage.
  • During college Clint Session played every defensive position on the field… at the same time!
  • Behind every successful man there's a woman. Behind every unconscious running back there's Clint Session.
  • Staring directly at Clint Session for too long can lead to false starts, blood loss and early death in certain situations.
  • Scientists renamed the Speed of Sound the Speed of Clint Session.
  • Clint Session can injure quarterbacks by just watching them on TV. The Colts don't allow him to watch film of Peyton.
  • If Ray Lewis has ten tackles and Clint Session has ten tackles, Clint Session has more tackles.

New Pro Bowl schedule affects local losers

Sunday's Pro Bowl roster was finalized this week. This relieved local sports bookies and degenerate gamblers alike. The line currently has the NFC favored by 4. Area bookie Frank Encarnado said business has never been better.

“My Pro Bowl gamblers are the real deal,” Encarnado said. “These are the guys betting on Olympic figure skating once football is over.”

Hardcore gamblers aren’t the only group affected by the new Pro Bowl setup. It has wreaked havoc on the fantasy Pro Bowl leagues too.

“Our draft was the week before the championship games,” says Brady McNeil, local fantasy football nerd. “I took Manning in the first round. Now I get the option to replace him with David fucking Garrard. Thanks NFL!”

Life in the slow lane

Former Indianapolis Motor Speedway and Indy Racing League CEO Tony George announced his team, Vision Racing, is officially shutting down operations. It’s been a rough year for George, who was ousted as CEO by his own family in 2009. Not only will this make for a chilly Thanksgiving this year, but it appears he’ll need a ride just to get there.

Jets use wrong formula against Colts in AFC title game

The New York Jets came to Indianapolis with what they believed was the winning formula last week. The team expressed extremely high confidence in their game plan and confidently set up their schedule for Super Bowl week. The Jets, who were considered the Team of Destiny, hoped to beat down a soft Colts team.

“We really thought our strategy from our first game would win again,” said Jets coach Rex Ryan. “We were certain the Colts would pull their starters once they got a lead. We just waited for that opportunity to pounce. Things didn’t work out, but know this; we would have rolled all over Kurtis Painter’s offense.”

Such bluster should be expected from professional athletes competing on the highest level. However, three of five ESPN expert analysts were also proved wrong last Sunday.

“The Colts are the worst 15-2 team in history,” said moron Keyshawn Johnson, fourth-rated receiver in his draft class. “Not only will Darrel Revis shut down the Colts passing game but Dwight Lowry is going to step it up.”

“The Colts have been too soft in the playoffs,” said mustached former NFL coach Mike Ditka, .500 lifetime playoff record.

“You have to play with the heart of a champion like I did,” said Cris Carter, who never played in a Super Bowl. He continued “J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets!”

Reporting by C. Bommarito and Dudley Dawson

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Aunt Flo is coming to visit... and she knows technology

With all the hype surrounding Apple's new iPad, consumers were confused as to whether this was a computer-like device or a feminine hygiene product. This led to yesterday's announcement that Apple will be releasing a new product later this week: The iPad Mini.

iPad Mini is a vaginal implant with a touch screen that allows for complete control of women's troubles. It's small, lightweight, super-absorbing, high-tech and apple-scented.

"Our job as a company is to make life easier," an Apple spokesperson said. "Why not make the monthly cycle easy too?"

The new product comes with several apps, including the iCycle app, which tells women when they should start menstruating; and the iPlan B, which administers immediate "morning after" birth control. After much controversy, Apple canceled its plans for an iBortion app.

Story by Jenny Porter

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Obama plans to boost economy
by encouraging Americans to go clubbing

President Obama will outline his plan to fix our lagging economy and create more jobs in detail during tonight's State of the Union address. In a statement this morning the administration announced it will roll out a new stimulus program to encourage all Americans to go out and mix it up in the club scene. Obama, joined by Vice President Joe Biden, will begin personally touring the country in February.

"There's been a lot of talk about stimulating the economy this year. But let me tell you, ol' Joe shines when it comes to stimulating the ladies," said Biden. “This is first hand shit too. The service industry has been hit very hard this year. Now, can a Veep get a table dance?”

The tour will begin on the east coast, in the most densely populated club districts, and is expected to reach Indiana by early summer. Stops will include the Wednesday night Retro Rewind at the Vogue, Ike and Jonesy's, Have a Nice Day Cafe and the 8 Second Saloon. Initially the Red Room and ICE Lounge were on the itinerary, however since this is taxpayer money, the administration will try to use the stimulus money as frugally as possible.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Tiger’s Wood

Tiger Woods is rumored to have checked in to Pine Grove sex rehabilitation clinic in Mississippi this week. Some blurry photos of the infamous golfer leaving the clinic surfaced this week. But, Pine Grove will not confirm he is a guest.

"We get a lot of Tigers here. It’s hard to say if he’s one of them. We even have a few cougars,” says Pine Grove Sex Division Lead Wayne Holmes. “Pine Grove prides itself in our ability to keep our guest list private and our guests’ privates under wraps too. We are the finest licensed sex clinic in North America.”

Normal rehabilitation facilities force patients to quit their addiction cold turkey. Pine Grove utilizes a slow dissipation of the addiction rather than the cold turkey approach.

"For sex addicts we wean them off slowly by having ‘Orientation Orgies’ three times the first week, twice the second and only once the third,” says Sex Therapist Roland Jeremy. “After that, we provide a couple one-on-one sexual encounters every week until we get them down to zero."

A source close to Woods confirmed the golfer has a sex addiction. She even admitted to confirming it up to three times a day some weeks.

Sex clinicians believe these addictions often lie dormant subconsciously until triggered by an outside source. In Woods' case, he got little action except for the occasional trashy waitress while at Stanford. His trigger came after he began earning several million dollars a year. However, even with all the Playboy Playmates and high class call girls at his disposal, Woods still regresses back to his roots.

"I can't say Mr. Woods is here,” says Concubine Coordinator Julie Meadows. “But I will say there is a half black, half Asian guy we nicknamed 'Nine Wood' who special ordered local Perkins waitresses for his one-on-ones."

According to a Hollywood expert, Tiger is on the right track. "Getting help now - after the marriage is ruined and you've had sex with hundreds of random women - is the best strategy for a man of Tiger's stature."

Birth of a League

Earlier this week Don "Moose" Lewis announced his plans for The All-American Basketball Alliance, a “whites-only” basketball league. (Ed. note: No shit. This is not just a Larry Bird wet dream, this is true ). Moose would like to create a league without "the street-type ball mentality.”

In that spirit, the Indianapoliser Senior Basketball analysts would like to offer some league rule suggestions best suited for a “whites-only” game:
  • No Dunking.
  • Lay-up contest will replace dunk contest during All-Star weekend and H-O-R-S-E will replace 3-pt. contest.
  • All shots must use the backboard.
  • Players should be given more than 10 seconds to cross mid-court.
  • Players should be allowed to enter the league immediately following high school… jr. high, or preschool – I mean who cares, if they’re willing to play in this league, let’em in!
  • Kurt Rambis Silohuette should be used for league logo.
  • Classic Rock or Nickelback should played during time-outs
The Indiana Pacers and Utah Jazz are already close to meeting the personnel requirements and have petitioned for acceptance into the league.

Jets give back to the community

The overconfident New York Jets organization held a pep rally in Times Square Thursday evening to celebrate their upcoming victory. And they were in a giving mood. Hundreds of down-and-out New Yorkers gathered to receive free apparel given out by the team.

Mostly hookers, bums, and shanty town inhabitants assembled to collect the clothing which was donated in an effort to alleviate a sporting goods surplus after suppliers over-produced more than a thousand items of Jets merchandise, from jerseys and beanies, to official Jets wet-naps and q-tips.

“It really feels good to give back to the community,” said Mark Sanchez, soon-to-be sacrificial lamb of the Colts defense. “The Gang Green swag we’re giving this group today is nothing like the gangrene they already have. The only prescription for this, is Jets football.”

Local trash pirate, Spooky Van Boxhausen, commented on his journey to Times Square while finishing a half eaten New York style pastrami sandwich found in a near by trash bin. “I caught wind a couple of days ago that the Square was going to be gangrene friendly. I thought for sure they could do something about my foot, but all I got was this Jets nightgown. It doesn’t even match my dead foot.

Note for visiting fans – In anticipation of the influx of New Jersey residents local Walgreens and CVS stores, conveniently located throughout the city, have requested suppliers send 600 times their regular order of Neutrogena Tangerine Supreme Self-Tanner.

Sunday’s Best Bet

Maryland Governor Martin O'Malley failed to live up to his end of the bargain after losing last week’s bet with Governor Daniels. The wager called for O’Mally to put an Indianapolis Colts flag on his vehicle, he instead flew a Baltimore Colts pennant on his car.

This has made Governor Daniels rethink this week’s bet with New York Governor Patterson. If the Colts win Sunday’s game against the Jets, Patterson is supposed to treat Governor Daniels and his family to a night on the town in Manhattan sometime this spring. If the Jets win, Governor Patterson would get to drive the pacecar at this year’s Indy 500.

Clint Session Fun Facts

  • Clint Session doesn’t tackle. He provides near death experiences.
  • The original NFL Helmets were made in the mold of Clint Session’s head, but were later recalled because they were meant to protect, not to kill.
  • Clint Session would be on the FBI's most dangerous list, if he wasn't our nation's greatest defense.
  • The NFL has been forced to change the stat Tackles to Clint Sessions.
  • Clint Session's beard could provide clothing for all the homeless children of the world. Too bad he never shaves.
  • Snapped necks far outnumber snap counts when Clint Session is on the field.
  • There is no chin under Clint Session’s beard. Only another beard, covering a fist.
  • Last week, after practice, several Colts players pissed their names in the snow. Clint Session pissed his name in the concrete.
Reporting by C. Bommarito, Dudley Dawson, and Hate Nurst

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

David Lee Roth kicked out of Guitar Hero band

BLOOMINGTON, Ind. – When Paul Howard formed a Guitar Hero: Van Halen band late last year to compete in tournaments at McFunster’s Pub, he had no idea it would ultimately lead to yet another devastating job loss for rocker David Lee Roth.

“Dave hooked me up a few times at McDonald’s, but I never knew he played Guitar Hero,” said Paul. “After we started hanging out, it just kind of clicked, you know?”

Paul and Diamond Dave began practicing in Paul’s parents’ basement late into the night almost every day of the week. After two months of intense practice, Paul decided they were ready to put their skills to the test at McFunster’s Pub.

The stage was dark and a smoky haze hung over the heads of the crowd. The crowd had already suffered through two Guitar Hero bands that had squeaked out Nickleback songs on medium difficulty.

The emcee called for Han Valen. Paul and Dave grabbed their plastic guitars and headed for the platform. “We started slow with Running With The Devil,” Paul said. “The crowd was into it, and we didn’t miss any notes, so we decided to go for the win.” Paul shouted to the console operator, “Eruption. On expert!” And that’s when the night took a turn for the worse.

McFunster’s manager, Adam Young, was watching the action from the bar that evening. “I heard Paul yell for Eruption,” said Young. “And that’s when Dave motioned the waitress for a bottle of Jack Daniels.”

Paul thought he was about to win the Guitar Hero tournament. Instead he would soon be forced to make a familiar decision, one that many before him had made.

“Dave was trashed before the song started,” said Paul. “He couldn’t remember any of the guitar parts and then he started singing some Everly Brothers song.”

Two minutes into Eruption, Diamond Dave's kung fu moves had broken two tables, he'd smacked the asses of two waitresses and a waiter, and somersaulted off the stage. The crowd was getting rowdy and manager Adam Young had to act quickly. He shut down the Playstation console and turned up the house lights.

“I had to pull the plug on the whole thing. David Lee Roth was out of control,” he explained. “They are banned from here. I’m lucky I didn’t get fired for letting Dave in, in the first place.”

Paul and Dave took a bus back to the house, their plastic guitars sadly slung over their shoulders. Paul knew what he had to do, but dreaded it just the same.

After a few minutes of uncomfortable silence, Paul confronted Dave about his behavior. “I told him that we just don’t think alike,” he said. “He didn’t take it too well, but he’s been through it before. I guess he just went back to working at McDonald’s.”

But Bloomington may not have seen the end of David Lee Roth yet. For weeks, Han Valen fans have been circulating rumors on internet message boards that point to a possible reunion.

"God help us all if it turns out to be true," says Adam Young.

Story by E. Goldberg

Monday, January 18, 2010

Teen marijuana use down;
Experts blame lack of quality jam bands

CARMEL, IN - After a grueling two-hour soccer practice, Nick Cummings came home and shoveled the driveway before eating dinner with his parents. Afterward, he went to his room and studied calculus for a while before walking his dog, Petey, and going to bed around 10 p.m. Then, as you might have guessed, he got up really early the next morning and arrived at school on time like the little fucking goody-goody he is.

This may not have been the case just a few short years ago. A seemingly cool kid, like Nick, probably would have blown off soccer practice, fed his parents some horseshit lie about a French Club meeting, and hit the bong with his boys for two or three hours after school.

"Sure, I'd like to be getting high and wasting a little more time," says Nick. "But, seriously what are we going to do? Hang out in Cody's garage and rock out to Nickelback?"

Nick is not alone. According to a study released in December's Archives of Pediatrics, Golf & Adolescent Medicine, teen marijuana use is down in the United States and throughout the world. Experts cite many different reasons for the drop, but all point to a steady decline of the popularity of jam bands.

With the bullshit on today's radio it is no wonder floppy-haired dorks like Nick are wasting their adolescence studying for the SAT and volunteering for community service programs - a pastime previously reserved for stoner teens fulfilling court orders. If this trend continues, today's adolescents will grow-up closer to High School Musical than Fast Times at Ridgemont High.

Throughout the 1990s stoner culture thrived in the United States. The Grateful Dead enjoyed a resurgence after the death of frontman Jerry Garcia. This exposed a new generation of slackers and future gas station employees to great drug terminology and a host of endlessly touring progressive rock acts such as Phish, Dispatch, Leftover Salmon, String Cheese Incident and Disco Biscuits.

"Man, when jam bands and tie-dyed shirts were more popular, we did killer business, man,” says Larry, owner of 420 Junction Tobacco and Olde Tymie Pipe Shoppe in Westfield. “Most popular songs only last three or four minutes nowadays. Man, that’s hardly enough time to realize a song is even playing if you’re having a good bake, man.” He continued, “when jam bands and tie-dyed shirts were more popular, we did killer business, man!”

Pipe store owners, like Larry, are pinning their hopes on a resurgence of the psuedo-hippy culture after last summer’s Phish reunion tour. A heavy-hitter like Phish could also generate interest in some lesser-known bands still desperately clinging to their early success. But, it may take some work for them to win over new fans.

"I guess Rusted Root is still around. But, I'm not going to the Emerson Theater to see them,” admits Nick.

Until the industry changes, our nation’s high schools will continue to produce more Jonas Brothers-type little goobers than Allman Brothers-type scruffy-haired, lovable losers and small business owners like Larry will continue to pay the price.

By C. Bommarito

Friday, January 15, 2010

Clint Session returns to playoffs with trophies

The NFL awarded Colts linebacker, Clint Session, the league's MVB - Most Valuable Beard - award in a ceremony Monday afternoon. However, Session was not on hand to accept the honor. He was away on a brief excursion to the coast of Guatemala.

Session’s trip satisfied his lust for stalking humans while on hiatus from game action during the Colts' bye week. Despite the award, he may face sanctions for three skulls found neatly displayed in his beard, discovered by customs agents upon returning from Central America. The NFL has a longstanding policy against the hunting of human beings for sport by current players, a rule the players union is currently fighting.

While the NFL is unable to stop Session from hunting and stalking opposing players on the field, they have sternly requested he leave all heads attached to their bodies.

Pacers fear team defections during Globetrotters visit to Indy

The Harlem Globetrotters will be at Conseco Fieldhouse next Monday. While fans can expect the usual entertaining gags and hijinks from the Globetrotters, their longtime adversaries, the Washington Generals will be doing some scouting while in town.

“We’re taking a serious look at Pacers coach Jim O’Brien,” said Team President Bill McTavish. “It’s hard for us to go out there and find new ways to lose night after night, but this guy’s an artist! And he’s found creative ways to blow games too, not just small leads either. Just imagine what this guy could do if the NBA allowed opposing teams to bring ladders and trampolines on the court.”

O’Brien’s contract expires at the end of next season. Pacers executives refused to comment on the subject.

Colts fans flock to Baltimore venues for vengeance

After statements made in an online forum by Mike Augustinos, manager of Howl at the Moon, an Indianapolis piano bar, Colts fans have planned the ultimate payback.

Augustinos invited Ravens fans to visit Howl at the Moon before, during and after the Colts-Ravens game Saturday night.

According to a Colts fan who would only identify himself as "Blue," a large group of fans will fly to Baltimore this Saturday and fill up local bars, picking fights with Ravens fans and forcing them to listen to long-winded explanations about how awesome tailgating is in Indiana.

"Many of us have season tickets to the game, but I really feel like this is far more important," Blue said. "I doubt we'll even have time to watch the game with all the ass-kicking and whatnot. This is what football is all about."

Blue's best friend, referred to as "White," has collected as many photos as he can find of tailgating events before Colts and Indiana University football games and organized them into a scrapbook. The book is 500 pages and exemplifies the fact that "we know how to party," according to White. Each photo includes a detailed caption. He plans to bring the book to Baltimore and force all Ravens fans to read it in its entirety. White also has mailed a copy to Augustinos.

"Augustinos will eat cat shit for the way he talks about my city," he said.

Some of the offensive statements made by Augustinos included "It sucks living in Colts country," "I BLEED PURPLE" and "For anyone that has never been to Indianapolis, their tailgating is horrible."

Andre Dawson passes on Cooperstown

Andre Dawson was elected to the Major League Baseball Hall of Fame on his ninth ballot attempt last week. However, the Chicago Cubs have requested Dawson place his Hall of Fame entrance on hold and return to the team for the 2010 season.

“The Milton Bradley experiment was a cluster fuck at best,” said Cubs General Manager Jim Hendry. “And after we dumped him I totally forgot I needed to replace his position. Sure, having a 55 year-old man on the roster may not sound ideal, but I think he could bring a lot to this team.”

Besides the addition of Dawson, Cubs management has focused heavily on pitching this offseason. Management just announced another former Cub, Greg Maddux, as special pitching coach. Team officials are confident they can talk him into starting a few games by July.

Some fans feel the Cubs missed opportunities to bid on free agents closer to their prime, but Hendry disagrees.

“I took a chance on Bradley and we all see where that got us. This year we’re sticking to players who have proved themselves Hall of Fame caliber. You can bet we’ll be calling up Ryno to play some second base while he’s coaching in Iowa this season too. I’d also like to see either Ron Cey or Vance Law and his coke bottle glasses standing over at third base at some point in the season. That’s really more for my personal enjoyment though.”

FBI looking into Harrison

Several sources reported that Philadelphia police are enlisting the FBI to help investigate former Indianapolis Colts wide receiver Marvin Harrison and his involvement with the shooting death of Dwight Dixon last July.

Local authorities are also looking into whether or not Harrison was involved in the disappearance of wide receiver Anthony Gonzalez, who replaced him on the Colts roster this year. Gonzalez has not been seen since week one of the 2009 NFL season.

Reporting by C. Bommarito, Dudley Dawson, Hate Nurst & Jenny Porter

Monday, January 11, 2010

Fabio admits he could
believe it wasn’t butter

RANCHO CUCAMONGA -- For years Fabio Lanzoni proclaimed to the world he couldn’t believe the spread he peddled wasn’t actually butter. His words resonated true with the millions who believed him and purchased the delicious creamy yellow spread. That was the 90s and early 00s. However, in a statement released today, the Milan, Italy native admitted that he could, in fact, believe it was not butter.

According his statement, Fabio knew it wasn’t butter from 1996-1997 and again from 2001- 2003. The Indianapoliser’s Senior Fermented Cream Correspondent, Dudley Dawson, sat down with Fabio to discuss this startling revelation.

Dudley Dawson: Fabio, Churn Illustrated is reporting you tested positive, for knowing your spread wasn’t butter, back in 2003. What's the truth?

Fabio Lanzoni: When I came on the scene in 1989 as the cover model of Ironsword: Wizards and Warriors II, I felt an enormous amount of pressure. As I gained jobs, the pressure got greater. In 2001 it felt like I had all the weight of the world on top of me and I still needed to make people believe I didn’t feel it wasn’t butter.

Back in the 90’s it was a different culture. I was young. I was ripped like nobody's business. I was stupid. I was naïve. I thought surely I couldn’t believe it wasn’t butter and I wanted to prove it to everyone. By 2001 I did believe it wasn’t butter and for that I’m very sorry and deeply regretful.

DD: You’re saying that the time period was 2001, ‘2, ‘3?

FL: That’s pretty accurate, yes. And maybe a little in the 90s.

DD: What did you actually believe it was?

FL: Dudley, that’s the thing. Again, it was such a loosey-goosey era. I’m guilty for a lot of things. I’m guilty for being negligent, naïve, not asking all the right questions like whether or not it was fermented cream or milk. How large the saturated hydrocarbons were. And to be quite honest, I don’t know exactly what substance I thought it was instead of butter at that time.

DD: Now when did you get the wake up call that it wasn’t butter?

FL: It wasn’t until 2001. I was laying in my bed in Astonish, Arizona. We were doing team churning conditioning down by the pool in Arizona. And I suffered a very serious taste bud injury that went all the way down my throat. I missed about two and a half weeks of Nora Roberts love novel shoots.

I had a streak of 400 Bertrice Small and Nora Roberts shoots, or 300, I’m not sure what the number was. But it was that point in bed that I realized, what am I doing? I’m lying to everyone.

It was time to grow up, stop being selfish, stop being stupid and take control of whatever I was ingesting.

DD: Let’s go back. How were you introduced to these butter substitutes? Was it at the gym? Was it from other butter spokesmen? Mrs. Buttersworth?

FL: The culture, it was pretty prevalent. There were a lot of people saying they too couldn’t believe it wasn’t butter. There was a lot of gray area too. You know, back then you could walk into a Moo and Oink and get four or five different products that you couldn’t believe wasn’t butter but would probably trigger a positive test that you could believe it wasn’t butter.

DD: To talk a little bit about the culture. It was an underground culture. An actor said to me last summer that he really believes in that period between about 1998 and 2004, that actors who claimed they couldn’t believe it wasn’t butter were blatantly lying to the public.

FL: I think you just felt a tremendous need to keep up and to perform well. You know, it was hot everyday at the shoot. It was over 100 degrees in the studio we shot all of the commercials. You know, you felt like, without trying to over investigate what you’re tasting, can I not believe it isn’t butter?

If I was a fan, a fan of mine, a fan of ‘I can’t believe it’s not butter’ I would be very pissed off. And I can’t take that back.

I want to do things to influence children and realize they should learn from my mistake because, you know, it’s the biggest regret I have in my life because ‘I can’t believe it’s not butter’ has given me everything, and I have so much respect.

There will be some people that say, 'you know, Fabio is not a great spokesperson, going back to Nintendo game covers and Acapulco H.E.A.T.,' I mean, they’re just going to have this blanket cloud over my career. They have their own point but it feels good coming out, being completely honest, putting it out there and realizing the more honest we all are, the quicker we get people really truly not believing that it isn’t butter.

DD: Fabio, what will you tell kids around the world?

FL: You know, work hard. What you believe is enough. You know, believe in yourself and even you won’t believe it’s not butter.

DD: What do you think the headline will be tomorrow in Milan?

FL: I have no idea. I mean, you know, the one good thing is, I feel the truth will always set you free.

DD: Thank you.

Reporting by Dudley Dawson

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Colts will continue resting starters

In a press conference late Thursday afternoon the Indianapolis Colts announced they will continue resting their starting position players during next Saturday evening’s playoff game. Team President Bill Polian defiantly defended his decision when asked about this baffling strategy.

“We have no interest in winning the first two games of the playoffs. That’s someone else’s goal,” he said. “We’ve had one goal all year and that’s to win the Super Bowl. We’ll continue to rest our starting players until then, so they will be as fresh as possible for the big game.”

Indianapolis Indians celebrate their Big Unit; plan to stick Johnson in Hall of Fame

Randy Johnson, one of the most accomplished players to climb the ranks through the Indians organization, announced his retirement from Major League Baseball this week. His two-year stint with the Tribe (1988-89) helped propel the Indians during some of the best years in team history, each ended in an American Association AAA championship.
Some believe the Big Unit’s size coupled with his biting slider were his greatest assets. But baseball insiders claim his mustache and mullet combo was the real key to his success.

“It was intimidating as hell to see that greased ‘Nashville Neckwarmer’ and powerful ‘stache framing an intense glare that seemed to scream ‘you been messing with my truck, son?” said former Indians teammate and adversary Larry Walker.

Johnson’s mustache and mullet will fly back to Indy next week to be inducted into the Indians Hall of Fame. The duo will join Razor Shines’ Jheri Curl mullet enshrined in 1998. The mullet and ‘stache will also receive matching commemorative 1986 IROC-Z Trans Ams.

Gilbert Arenas redefines shooting guard

Last week Washington Wizards star, Gilbert Arenas pulled out a handgun during an alleged confrontation with teammate Javaris Crittenton. Team executives discovered Arenas had been storing handguns inside his locker for an upcoming Washington Bullets throwback game. NBA league officials suspended Arenas indefinitely Wednesday afternoon. However, the National Rifle Association has stepped in on behalf of the beleaguered guard.

"As a citizen, Gilbert Arenas has every right to keep a firearm in his locker,” says NRA Athletics Division Chief Dan Tucker. “If all NBA players carried guns on the court for self-defense many players would think twice before committing dangerous flagrant fouls.”

This revelation is the latest in a string of eyebrow raising NBA locker room occurrences. Two months ago Ron Artest revealed he kept alcohol in the team clubhouse. Chris Weber recently admitted to growing marijuana in his locker. Last year former NBA forward Shawn Kemp fessed up to storing hookers in his locker during most away games throughout his career. Even the legendary Charles Barkley came forward this week admitting he frequently hid entire roasted pigs in his locker to snack on during halftime.

Purdue ties two school records

Tuesday evening the Purdue Boilermakers men’s basketball team beat the Minnesota Golden Gophers 79–60. This win put the red hot Boilers’ record at 14-0, tying their all-time best start, set in the 1993-94 season. They have also already tied their record for NCAA Tournament championships this season with zero.

Tide rip through Longhorns on their way to title

Dark Lord, Nick Saban called upon the ghouls of Alabama pasts to exact revenge on the Texas Longhorns for the multiple beatings they received earlier in the century. On the Longhorn's first drive of the game Colt McCoy tried to run the ball on a first down play when he was suddenly met by the ghost of Bear Bryant. The Alabama icon then ripped McCoy’s shoulder clean off his torso making him ineffective for the rest of the game. Alabama went on to their 47th National Title.

After the game McCoy recalled his injury, “Once I saw the ball lying on the ground about 5 yards away, I knew it would be hard to recover. When I realized my hand was still clutching that ball, I figured my day was probably over.”

Saban celebrated the win by removing the heads of three Alabama players who dumped Gatorade on him with less then a minute to go in the game.

Reporting by C. Bommarito, Dudley Dawson and Hate Nurst

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

KFC purchases local fire hydrants for ad space; Now Indy looking into other possibilities

INDIANAPOLIS, IN - Kentucky Fried Chicken recently purchased advertising space on area fire extinguishers and fire hydrants. The ad campaign will promote KFC’s new fiery chicken wings. Critics are leery about public property being used for marketing purposes. But many believe this is the logical next step for a constantly evolving industry.

"We feel it’s a win-win situation and a great way for the local government to bring in some extra coin,” says City Ad Sales Director Chuck Donaldson. “Plus in a test setting, seven out of ten people who used KFC extinguishers to put out kitchen fires felt hungry for some fiery chicken wings afterwards."

With the early success of the KFC campaign, city officials are actively pursuing sponsorships for other government run properties.

"Several entities have expressed interest in this relatively inexpensive form of advertisement,” says Donaldson. “We are in negotiations with Trojan Condoms to sponsor a few area rest stops. We're close to a deal with White Castle to advertise on city public restrooms. We've even been in contact with MC Hammer's people to discuss traffic sign advertisements.

The list could grow much larger. A City Council insider informed The Indianapoliser several other deals are rumored, such as Coors Light to sponsor the Indiana Department of Transportation, posting advertisements on all major highways. Other rumors include Grand Theft Auto to sponsor IMPD cruisers, Barnes & Nobles to sponsor the Central Library, and rock band Nickelback hopes to advertise on the Soldiers and Sailors Monument.

As cash strapped state and local governments look to become more creative in generating revenue Indianapolis residents may have to get used to added advertisements in their every day lives.

Story by Dudley Dawson

Monday, January 4, 2010

Local guy accidentally throws keys
into orgy bowl at New Years party

INDIANAPOLIS, IN – Monday afternoon Peter Southman notified IMPD he may or may not have been sexually assaulted at a New Year's Eve party he attended last week. In a statement taken by police he described the scene as “a gangly mess of fleshy parts, burnt matchsticks and pubic regions.”

Investigators believe Southman mistook a bowl holding keys for a place for safe keeping to prevent guests from attempting to drive home. The bowl in question was actually meant to signify the attendee’s willingness to partake in a night of hedonistic sex acts with multiple partners.

Witnesses said Southman had been enjoying cocktails with friends when another guest attempted to stuff a Wii remote into his rectum during a no-handed Wii Sports Resort tournament. Another party guest said Southman politely, but sternly, declined the invitation.

"By that time I had consumed five vodka tonics," Southman recalled. "I stripped down to my jockey shorts in an attempt to not stand out. I then politely asked others to respect my boundaries and refrain from engaging me in any coital activity whatsoever."

Witnesses say the video game related sexual activities only became more aggressive. Although unable to recall specifics, many remember participating in an awkward search for several missing Wii remote controllers.

Southman woke up the next morning at a Motel 6 in Dayton, Ohio, tattoos covering over 60 percent of his body with limited recollection of the night before.

Despite several inquiries, dectectives will not reveal the address of the party due to the ongoing investigation. They are encouraging other party guests to come forward to discuss the case over cocktails at the Tip Top Tavern on Capitol Ave.

Story by Hate Nurst