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Monday, January 4, 2010

Local guy accidentally throws keys
into orgy bowl at New Years party

INDIANAPOLIS, IN – Monday afternoon Peter Southman notified IMPD he may or may not have been sexually assaulted at a New Year's Eve party he attended last week. In a statement taken by police he described the scene as “a gangly mess of fleshy parts, burnt matchsticks and pubic regions.”

Investigators believe Southman mistook a bowl holding keys for a place for safe keeping to prevent guests from attempting to drive home. The bowl in question was actually meant to signify the attendee’s willingness to partake in a night of hedonistic sex acts with multiple partners.

Witnesses said Southman had been enjoying cocktails with friends when another guest attempted to stuff a Wii remote into his rectum during a no-handed Wii Sports Resort tournament. Another party guest said Southman politely, but sternly, declined the invitation.

"By that time I had consumed five vodka tonics," Southman recalled. "I stripped down to my jockey shorts in an attempt to not stand out. I then politely asked others to respect my boundaries and refrain from engaging me in any coital activity whatsoever."

Witnesses say the video game related sexual activities only became more aggressive. Although unable to recall specifics, many remember participating in an awkward search for several missing Wii remote controllers.

Southman woke up the next morning at a Motel 6 in Dayton, Ohio, tattoos covering over 60 percent of his body with limited recollection of the night before.

Despite several inquiries, dectectives will not reveal the address of the party due to the ongoing investigation. They are encouraging other party guests to come forward to discuss the case over cocktails at the Tip Top Tavern on Capitol Ave.

Story by Hate Nurst