Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Laid off laborer sets
civilization back 4000 years

BLOOMINGTON, Ind. -- The evolution of humanity suffered another blow this week when Timmy Mayes, a rock quarry worker that was upset over his recent layoff, destroyed the only remaining key to the Stargate. Scientists say that the act may have set back the development of our civilization over 4000 years.

The Stargate was found in Egypt in 1928 and is believed to be a portal used for interdimensional travel. "We've tried to open the portal hundreds of times over the past 81 years, but we never got it stay open for longer than a second. It seems we were missing a key," said Eugene Goldstein, senior researcher for the Stargate Project. "We received word last week that a gravel company in Indiana found exactly what we were looking for. And then we got the news today that it's been destroyed."

Larry Weldner, the owner of Star Gravel Inc. says that his workers found several stone carvings in the quarries last week and immediately halted their work to determine what they'd found. They called him to the work site to have a look and decide whether or not to continue. When he saw the hieroglyphs he immediately called the police.

Local police called the Indiana University archaeology department to assess the stones and determine whether or not they were authentic Egyptian artifacts. "When I got there I almost had a heart attack. I've never found anything more significant than an arrowhead, and these guys find the key to our evolution," said Dr. Paul Ybor, Professor of Egyptology at Indiana University.

Ybor sent photos of the stones to Eugene Goldstein the next day. And the countdown began. Within four days, the key to the gate would be destroyed.

"The day after we found the key, the company decided we needed to make cutbacks, beginning with our laborers," said Larry Weldner. "I was forced to lay off the four quarry workers with the least seniority. And now we all pay the price."

Timmy Mayes, the last worker to be laid off, had only been with Star Gravel for 19 months. He is married and the father of four young children. Records show he was two payments behind on his house and his 1998 Honda Civic was reposessed last month. Workers at Star Gravel pleaded with the management of Star Gravel to spare Timmy the pain of a job loss, but management had already made its decision.

The day after Mayes' dismissal seemed to begin like any other. Workers had moved moved the Egyptian stones to the north edge of the quarry, covered it with a plastic, blue tarp, and resumed their daily routine.

At 11:13 a.m., just as the quarry workers were breaking for lunch, a huge explosion rocked the north end of the worksite. "We just new it was Timmy," said Jason Grimes, foreman for the company. "We figured he blew up those Egypt rocks, but we didn't realize just how important they were though."

Goldstein was working in his lab with the Stargate when the call from Ybor came through. "I am in total disbelief. We were there. I mean, the next stage of evolution," he said. "Fuck!"

Mayes is currently being held in the Monroe County jail on charges of vandalism and conspiracy to destroy humanity. His hearing has yet to be scheduled.

Story by E. Goldberg