Thursday, December 24, 2009

Inappropriate guy makes coworker nervous about upcoming holiday party

INDIANAPOLIS, IN - Holiday parties are a time where all employees are able to come together. This is when accomplishments of the past year can be celebrated and everyone can enjoy a relaxed, festive atmosphere. At a local west side company the 'relaxed' and 'festive' description annually is taken too far by one employee.

"This is the time of year where everyone slowly begins to avoid Dan," says coworker Resa Napier. "Nobody knows what he'll do each year. No one wants to get cornered during the holiday party with him. Last year, he asked every person he talked to if they wanted to see the wart on his penis. Totally ridiculous."

Dan Mathis, a Senior Purchasing Manager, has a reputation for being borderline inappropriate in the workplace. The company has promised to look into some of his antics when there's time. In an office holiday party environment, all bets are off.

"Dan is the only person that predrinks heavily before coming to the holiday party," says coworker John Howe. "And I don't mean a few beers. I mean about a bottle of Cuervo. He comes in smelling and acting like he'd just spent the previous six hours at the Elbow Room."

"Yeah, before I go to these shin digs I like to get my predrink on," says Mathis. "I usually hit the Elbow Room and down shots for about five or six hours. That gets me focused and ready for a good time!"

Because of past years holiday party 'Dan' incidents, the company has formed a voluntary security team to intervene should anything come up. A few years back, Mathis replaced all of the brownies at the desert area with hash brownies. That year's holiday party turned into a barrage of inappropriateness. Two years ago Mathis took photos of every female attendees ass without them knowing. At the end of the party he posted all of them on a wall and tried to have an office best ass contest.

"He tends to get way out of hand," says coworker Jill Akers. "I thought for sure he would get in big trouble for what he did last year. I thought some people would be sick."

What happened last year was Mathis offered to pass out refreshments to everyone from behind a waist high counter. It was later discovered that he had his pants down and had dipped his testicles in each drink before handing them to every person at the party. This made a few fellow employees upset but Mathis vehemently defended himself.

"Nothing wrong with some Party Balls," says Mathis. "My balls are pristine so it was just in good fun. Plus everyone should be blessed with saying my ball sack touched something that went into their mouth! I was sure to give a double dip for the hot chicks too. Dip, dip give, baby!!"

"What Dan did last year was probably a little over the line," says Office Manager Gary Newkirk. "I did talk to him and we have his word that he will no longer try to give his coworkers 'Party Balls' ever again."

Even though Mathis has promised to curtail his inappropriate ways at this year's office holiday party, many are skeptical. Still, there are others that think maybe Mathis has turned a corner and this Saturdays holiday party will be a nice and relaxing.

A few days ago Mathis received a large shipment of Flunitrazepam (roofies) at his office desk.

Story by Dudley Dawson