Friday, December 11, 2009

Notre Dame fans call for Brian Kelly’s dismissal

Alumni and fans are calling for Brian Kelly’s dismissal less than twenty-four hours after Notre Dame announced its new coach. Critics are quick to point out the program has not improved in any area since the hire. Most notably, under Kelly, the Irish are yet to beat Navy and have not displayed a power running game. He also has not signed any new marquee recruits. Notre Dame was not selected to a 2009 BCS bowl, even after the announcement late yesterday afternoon.

Despite criticism, Athletics Director Jack Swarbick already extended Kelly’s contract through the 2025 season after seeing how good the new coach looks in gold and blue. At post time Brian Kelly is still the head football coach of Notre Dame.

It turns out Tiger’s just a big douche after all

That fucker really had us duped. We believed he was the Michael Jordan of golf. But it turns out he’s just the Wilt Chamberlain of golf. As a society, we look to our clean cut, athlete-messiahs, like Tiger Woods, to show us the light of morality, discipline and sensible putting skills. But in reality, this sonuvabitch has been having sex with the half the phone book, like a common NFL player.

Incredible details about this Hitler-esque, sack-of-shit continue to leak out since news of his affairs broke last week. According to his wife of five years, Elin Nordegren, the problems extend well beyond the bedroom.

“He never put the seat down either,” she said. “He constantly left his toenail clippings on the coffee table, and almost never, ever held the door open for me or asked about my day. In fact, I’d say golf is the only thing he’s really good at. Oh, and humping.”

Major League Baseball Winter Meetings in Indianapolis come to a close

Sports fans have wondered for years if anything could be more boring than baseball. The answer is yes, and local fans found out firsthand this week; it’s the MLB Winter Meetings. In an incredibly predictable move, the New York Yankees spared no expense and traded for the highly sought after Detroit Tigers center fielder Curtis Granderson. Other highlights include yesterday’s conclusion to the meetings.

Feliz Blue Friday

The Colts hope to extend their twelve game winning streak Sunday at the Luke when the Denver Broncos come to town. Few fans worry about the news second string QB, Jim Sorgi is out for the remainder of the season. He apparently injured himself while taking his equipment bag out to his car after practice. When asked about the back-up’s shoulder injury, Colts’ coach Jim Caldwell responded bluntly. “Well, it’s no secret, without Peyton we’re fucked anyway. I mean royally fucked. If he gets hurt we might as well put Bob Kravitz out there.”

Granger carries on proud Pacers legacy

In the tradition of Jermaine O’Neal, Jamaal Tinsley and Mike Dunleavy, the Indiana Pacers announced this week Danny Granger will sit out four to six weeks due to a torn right plantar fascia, proving without question he is the centerpiece of the Pacers’ offense.

Reporting by C. Bommarito