Thursday, December 3, 2009

Cobra Commander inexplicably absent
from terrorist watchlist

OMAHA, Neb. -- Last month, a man wearing a light blue military uniform, his face obscured by a mirrored shield, walked effortlessly through security at Omaha International Airport and boarded a plane bound for a small island in the Gulf of Mexico. Passengers later identified that man as Cobra Commander, leader of the militaristic terrorist organization COBRA. Four hours after takeoff, one of the world’s most dangerous terrorists returned to his base of operations on Cobra Island.

Since 9/11, the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) has been responsible for securing our airplanes and airports. Two of the most important tools they use are the Terrorist Screening Database (TSDB) and the FBI’s no-fly list.

A Justice Department official who spoke to The Indianapoliser on the condition of anonymity revealed that Cobra Commander hasn’t even been placed on the TSDB or the no-fly list. The official, who prefers that we refer to him as “Snake Eyes”, warned of the possible repercussions from such an exclusion.

“COBRA is dangerous. They’re domestic terrorists hell-bent on world domination. I don’t know how the FBI can ignore this,” says Snake Eyes. “The smoking gun may come in the form of a genetically-mutated snake-man.”

In a press conference last week, FBI director of the Northern Hemisphere, Shana “Scarlett” O'Hara explained that the FBI is working to update the lists as quickly as possible. “We’re backlogged but are working hard to include terrorists operating under the radar,” she read aloud. “In the last month alone we’ve added Destro, Storm Shadow and the entire Crimson Guard to the list.”

Snake Eyes is appalled at what he perceives as incompetence. “Here we are, eight years since the tragic events of September 11, and the FBI is just now getting around to adding COBRA leadership to the watchlist,” he exclaimed. “Justice has been investigating Cobra Commander since 1982.”

The problem may lie in the FBI itself. The TSDB is a secret list of over 1,000,000 individuals suspected of terrorist activity around the globe. The man in charge of sending TSDB updates to the Transportation Security Administration was investigated by the Justice Department in 1987 for allegedly engineering dangerous chemicals for COBRA. Dr. Mindbender was inexplicably cleared of all accusations in the fall of 1989 and retained his job with the FBI. Some believe Cobra Commander was pulling the strings.
Lonzo “Stalker” Wilkinson, R - Wis., claims the government has been corrupted by Cobra Commander’s scheming. ”There are exactly 57 card-carrying members of COBRA in the Department of Defense at this time,” he says. “Cobra Commander is well aware of operations at the highest levels of our government.”

“Stalker” offered a solution on the floor of the Senate in late December by proposing a special COBRA subcommittee under the United States Senate Committee on Foreign Relations. “COBRA leadership and sympathizers need to be identified and imprisoned,” he exclaimed as he pounded his fist to the lectern.

As he sipped a cocktail of rainwater and grain alcohol, he lamented a time when the government was not afraid to crack down on mega-villains. “Cobra Commander wouldn’t even have dared to exist during Millard Fillmore’s presidency.”

Due to poor timing, though, the Senate was in recess and only three janitors heard the fiery sermon.

At the time of publication, Cobra Commander has still not been placed on the no-fly list and is currently vacationing in Aruba.

Story by E. Goldberg