Friday, December 17, 2010

The Indianpoliser FSS Action Team is back from a brief hiatus! In an act of
solidarity, our writers refused to work while Clint Session remained
sidelined. But, we hope our triumphant return might inspire the blood-lusting Session in his recovery process.

Jaguars Still Impersonating Good Football Team

The Colts have reason to worry about their stranglehold on the AFC South for (what seems like) the first time in history. And this Sunday's opponent, the Jacksonville Jaguars, have successfully pretended to be a good football team this entire season.

Lead by notorious con-man, Jack (Shooter McGavin) Del Rio, the Jags have run the ball extremely well and even been able to fake passing with efficiency. Except for an early season, last minute win against the Colts, the Jaguars have flexed their big boy muscles against far weaker teams. The Colts are the only team
with a winning record to fall to these impostors all year.

Indianapolis Sends Christmas Gifts to Vikings

The city of Indianapolis offered Minneapolis five acres of remains from the old RCA Dome roof this week to help repair the Metrodome, which suffered severe damages from heavy snow last weekend and relocated the Vikings home game to scenic Detroit.

The Vikings have graciously accepted our city’s hand-me-down roofing material and requested additional spare parts from back-up QB Curtis Painter, to repair Brett Favre’s shoulder, left foot, right elbow, and spleen injuries.

The Colts, still playing uncharacteristically meaningful late season games, do not expect to give Painter playing time in the foreseeable future. They gladly agreed to the terms. A delighted Favre texted images of all body parts he needs for this weekend’s game against the

New Big Ten Logo Foreshadows Future

The Big Ten Conference unveiled its new logo along with names for the divisions within the conference this week. Leaders and Legends will be the names of the two sub-conferences within the Big Ten. Other conference names in consideration were: Pimps and Hos, Shirts and Skins, Tits and Asses, Cocks and Ballas, and Scholars and Athletes.

The new (and improved?) “Big One G” logo itself cleverly hints at Commissioner Delany’s plan to eventually squeeze -- a whopping -- 1,000 teams into the Big Ten Conference. College football pundits believe after the conference inflates to 1G, Notre Dame will certainly have to join.

Going back to Philly, to Philly

Cliff Lee turned down a larger offer from the New York Yankees, an additional $20M, to return to the Philadelphia Phillies, where he pitched in 2009. The money was a serious temptation for Lee, but he is determined to return to the Philadelphia clubhouse in hopes of finding his lucky belt buckle he has been unable to locate for one full year.

"Man, I've searched everywhere for that thing," said a distraught Lee. "I won it at the Arkansas State Fair seven years ago and I swear the last place I saw it was my old locker in Philly. I really hope it's still sitting there."

Reporting by C. Bommarito, Dudley Dawson & Hate Nurst