Saturday, October 31, 2009

Federal bailout funding to help Indy deal with increase in paranormal activity

INDIANAPOLIS, Ind. -- Since President Obama took office in January, the monumental task of turning around the steepest economic decline in thirty years has been his first priority. The president reiterated this week that he feels it imperative for stimulus funds to find their way into the hands of the American people.

Since January, federal funding has been approved for a large number of projects to help put money in the hands of workers across the country. These stimulus grants have primarily been used to fund highway projects, public park construction and other "shovel ready" projects. But the funding approval for Indiana's latest program has some state Republicans up-in-arms.

"We've been trying to assemble a Ghostbusters unit since 1986," said City-Councilman Ray Knight. "We're ecstatic that we finally got go-ahead from Congress."

Many Indiana Republicans are outraged and feel that Congressional approval is just another example of frivolous spending by the Obama Administration. In a town hall meeting last month at the Marion County town hall, Indiana Senator Brian Yzez of Kokomo called on all Hoosiers to show "one shred of evidence that the creation a Ghostbusters unit was justified."

Sen. Yzez has been leading the charge against the Ghostbusters. "Federal funding helped get the team on the street, but who do you think is paying for that hearse and those proton pack recharges," he said on the State House floor. "Indiana taxpayers are not only paying for them, but may be required to return the stimulus money if anything ever goes awry - what happens if they cross those beams?"

Ghostbuster team leader, Jason Walker, assures the public that his team is doing important and relevant work, and the likelihood of an incident is slim. "I've heard the critics, but I think they'll change their mind when we get the headquarters finished and start doing some real work."

The team is refurbishing a delapidated firehouse on Park Street to serve as their first official station. It will contain the only ghost containment device in the country. At a cost of $34 billion it makes Indiana's Ghostbuster unit one of the most expensive programs in the federal stimulus budget, according to

Councilman Knight fiercely defends the program and praises it as an example of of what is necessary to keep our children safe from terrorists - foreign, domestic, and paranormal. "If we don't have them around, Indianapolis could become just another interdimensional portal for Gozer," he says.

Yzez is willing to take that risk, though several North American cities are now believed to be under the control of Gozer the Destructor, overlord of the dark realm of Sumer. "I don't know who this guy is, or where Sumer is, but he can't be that powerful...can he?"

A special session of the Indiana General Assembly has been called to discuss the possibility of cutting off funding for the Ghostbusters unit. The first public hearing will be May 19th. Those interested in attending should check for details.

Story by Ed Rudisell

Rising foreclosures put strain on
local specialized workforce

Indianapolis, Ind. -- The nation's housing market hit a thirty year low last fall and has been slowly trying to make gains ever since. The local Indy market was not able to avoid the national trend and it saw foreclosures hit the highest rates since the late 70's. As more and more people lose their job more houses are foreclosed which then, in turn, leads to more job loss. One job sector that operates here in Indianapolis, as well as around the world, normally avoids job cuts during economic downturn but with such high foreclosure rates even this specialty couldn't avoid it.

"You know the economy is bad when even the paranormal industry is showing consecutive months of jobs lost, says Indianapoliser Paranormalologist Crane Vickers, just last Tuesday twelve more ghosts were laid off at 30th and Central due to the houses they haunted being empty. Those twelve have been employed at those locations since the 60's but you can't work if there's no one there haunt."

Those twelve ghosts are just the latest casualties of an economic crisis that continues to see job loss. Overall, more than five thousand local spirits have had to be given pink slips since the September of last year.

Unfortunately experts see a jobs outlook that is quite poor for an industry that has historically been very robust. Since death is so certain the Paranormal business is always full of new recruits. It is estimated that only 7% of the earth is haunted so the sky seems to be the limit and it would seem this area of jobs would be safe. That would be the case if there were no afterlife rules. Vickers has found a brief version of these afterlife rules on the internet.

According to Wikipedia when a person dies, if they choose to stay around and work as a ghost they cannot decide where they may haunt. They are restricted to within fifty yards from exactly where they pass on or fifty yards from where they called home. This rule was in place to eliminate the monopoly hospitals had on ghost employment. This decision as to where one would like to haunt is made right after passing through the now famous white light.

Once through the light, to the left is a receptionist that accepts paranormal applications. If one chooses to become a ghostly employee they can fill out a form there. If not, they continue past the receptionist to meet up with St. Peter. Once a would be ghost chooses where he or she wants to haunt, they are eternally fixed at that location. Because of that, an astonishing 89% of ghosts haunt houses rather than fields, forests, lakes, or canyons. Once their home which they haunt is vacated, there is a thirty day grace period where a new family must move in. If nobody moves in within thirty days, the ghost or ghosts of the house are given pink slips and sent on to the next level of the afterlife.

"I guess I'll just pack my bags and return to my home in the alternate universe, says Jesper McDougle who has haunted a house near Washington and Tibbs for the last twenty eight years, I lived my real life on the near west side and was quite happy living my after life there too."

McDougle's case has become far too common here in central Indiana. The increase in job losses along with the constant flow of new recruits interested in ghostly employment have some advocates suggesting a Paranormal Industry bailout. While some experts think a bailout to this industry is highly unlikely, others think there is a good chance they'll be included if a new bailout bill hits the Senate floor. Another option that is rumored to be under discussion in several Congressional Committees is changing the 30 day period to 2 years. Those for the grace period change argue that this will keep many spirits employed. Those against argue that taxpayers would have to pay for ghosts who are in vacated houses and not scaring anyone.

"The Paranormal Industry certainly has powerful lobbyists in Washington, says Jermaine Ulseth a Wall Street speculator, DC is full of long time ghost employees and they have had heavy influence since it became the permanent capital in 1783. Plus they just added a new ally in Ted Kennedy."

The future of the Paranormal Industry seems to be in limbo. Local workers try to remain positive and look to the slight decrease in foreclosures plus the increase in existing home sales for hope. While Washington mulls a possible bailout for yet another industry or a change in the afterlife laws, central Indiana ghosts promise to fight and scare to save their jobs even though they know at anytime they could be sent on to the next level of their afterlife.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Plainfield Police Department uncovers massive terror plan; Little bastards plot to raid town

PLAINFIELD, IN – An astonishing omission alerted local authorities to a group of homegrown pagan terrorists on a mission from hell. Tommy Lawrence, the fat little porker who lives down the street from me, announced that he, along with 1,000 other little shits, plan to drain the county of its dwindling candy supply in the near future. His announcement came Thursday afternoon from the footsteps of his parents front porch.

Key members of the satanic sect were arrested last night as they took what they believed were high-fructose powered waxed lips at Anderson Orchard from undercover P.P.D. officers. Other members of the sleeper cell are still at large and local papers suggest they plan to strike between the hours of 6 and 9 p.m., this Saturday, October 31.

"This is unquestionably Plainfield’s finest hour. The best resources of our Police Department, Homeland Security, Best Buy Geek Squad and the FBI kept us safe," said Teddy McLane, local old guy and frequent Hardees customer. A veteran of the Korean War, he also noted, “we need to bomb the shit out of someone now, Ike would never have stood for this kind of crap.”

The terror group has been nicknamed the Jr. Jihadists by local authorities. The chubby little pranksters range in age from seven to thirteen years-old. Their elaborate scheme involved dressing as supernatural creatures and carrying out a slow, deliberate ground offensive, starting in west Plainfield and marching north through greater Hendricks County.

An unrepentant, Tommy Lawrence barked orders to members of his group while police hauled his husky frame off to juevie haul.

“Hit’em hard! And hit’em where it counts,” Lawrence screamed through his chocolate milk-crusted mouth. “If they have ‘fun size’ Snickers go for the pantry where the jumbo sizes are likely stored. And don’t bother wiping the dog shit off your shoes!”

Authorities are confident they broke-up the plot, but still recommend members of the community only keep b-rate candy on hand this weekend – like those nasty little wax-wrapped walnut flavored turds everyone tries to trade the day after Halloween.

“We believe town residents have nothing to fear,” said Sgt. Walcott of P.P.D. “But, if any costumed jihadist threaten your homestead this weekend, a claw-hammer to the side of the temple should give them pause.”

Story By Bloxum Stockpipe

New study shows a dramatic increase in black Presidents in 2009

Alarmed conservatives speculate, if this rate continues, we'll have 64 black presidents by the year 2015.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Scientific community finally achieves
Max Headroom technology

Dr. Christopher Lynch of West Lafayette runs a modest lab out of his first floor apartment just north of Purdue University’s campus. Taking inspiration from a short-lived 1980's television show and a handful of commercials he watched on YouTube, Lynch has become a modern day Dr. Frankenstein.

Late last year, Lynch “downloaded” the mind of a volunteer onto an old Commodore 64 computer connected to a 1987 Phillips CRT television set. “The key is the picture tube.” says Lynch, “New digital sets and flat screens just don't do the trick, seems it takes actual physical room to get those moving lines behind the head in there."

Last April, Lynch invited select members of the scientific community to his laboratory for a late-night meet-and-greet with his first subject, who prefers to be referred to as Patient Zero.

As the country's elite researchers filed into the basement lab, Lynch turned the brightness up on the Phillips CRT. "We were in awe. No one expected his razor-sharp wit," said Dr. Thomas Kim of Cal-Tech. "He's quite a smartass. And with incredible fashion sense."

But some artificial intelligence experts claim that Lynch's accomplishment is a hoax. Paul Dreyer, editor of NonBeliever magazine, says that the results could be easily faked by a character actor wearing a fiberglass suit. "They say that his studdering speech is a side effect of the digital conversion, but that could duplicated using an old VHS recorder. I'm not convinced. Lynch is con-man."

Dreyer also points out that, if the experiment proves to be authentic, using old televisions could prove problematic for future image-based immortals. "Glass cathode-ray tubes are quickly becoming scarce and difficult to replace. It's obsolete technology," he explains.

But the criticism is falling on deaf ears. Patient Zero has been entertaining offers from the BBC and MTV to host his own television program. "It's been a wild ride, and I just want to c-c-c-c-catch the wave," said Patient Zero.

We just arrived 20 minutes into the future.

Story by Charles Hollingshead

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Carrot Top nominated
for Secretary of Hilarity

WASHINGTON D.C. -- Rumors have been floating around the nation's capital for weeks, and today President Obama confirmed that prop comedian Carrot Top is his choice for Secretary of Hilarity. Though his choice to fill the cabinet office after 34 years of vacancy came as a surprise to many, his choice for the seat did not.

Several of the President's nominees have withdrawn their names due to undisclosed tax liabilities. When Pres. Obama's choice for the Sec. of Treasury, Willie Nelson, became the latest nominee to withdraw from consideration due to tax issues, many felt that the President's next nomination needed to carry no political risk during the confirmation process.

“Carrot Top is a fantastic choice for the Office of Hilarity due to the family-friendly nature of his comedy and his lack of name recognition,” said Louis Calulous, the man in charge of the vetting process for Obama’s transition team.

Records released today by Calulous show that Carrot Top's annual salary for the last 8 years averaged $172.89, primarily from children's parties. “The IRS doesn't require a return to be filed by self-employed persons making less than $400 a year,” said Calulous. “I’d like to see the Republicans try to find fault with Carrot Top.”

If confirmed, Carrot Top will take charge of the President's new healthcare initiative, Humor As Healthcare Agenda, or HAHA.

“We feel that laughter really is the best medicine,” the President today in his weekly radio address. “As a country, will be able to save billions a year on medical expenses by laughing a little more – and Carrot Top is the man to lead that charge.”

Carrot Top attended the press conference today at the President’s side, excitedly shifting his weight from foot to foot. When he finally took to center stage, the only thing he said was, “Oh my god, you gotta see this. This is so cool.”

He reached into a trunk next to the President and pulled out a telephone book taped to a paper giraffe. And with that, the press conference ended and a new chapter in our Nation’s comedic history began.

Story by Ed Rudisell