Saturday, October 31, 2009

Federal bailout funding to help Indy deal with increase in paranormal activity

INDIANAPOLIS, Ind. -- Since President Obama took office in January, the monumental task of turning around the steepest economic decline in thirty years has been his first priority. The president reiterated this week that he feels it imperative for stimulus funds to find their way into the hands of the American people.

Since January, federal funding has been approved for a large number of projects to help put money in the hands of workers across the country. These stimulus grants have primarily been used to fund highway projects, public park construction and other "shovel ready" projects. But the funding approval for Indiana's latest program has some state Republicans up-in-arms.

"We've been trying to assemble a Ghostbusters unit since 1986," said City-Councilman Ray Knight. "We're ecstatic that we finally got go-ahead from Congress."

Many Indiana Republicans are outraged and feel that Congressional approval is just another example of frivolous spending by the Obama Administration. In a town hall meeting last month at the Marion County town hall, Indiana Senator Brian Yzez of Kokomo called on all Hoosiers to show "one shred of evidence that the creation a Ghostbusters unit was justified."

Sen. Yzez has been leading the charge against the Ghostbusters. "Federal funding helped get the team on the street, but who do you think is paying for that hearse and those proton pack recharges," he said on the State House floor. "Indiana taxpayers are not only paying for them, but may be required to return the stimulus money if anything ever goes awry - what happens if they cross those beams?"

Ghostbuster team leader, Jason Walker, assures the public that his team is doing important and relevant work, and the likelihood of an incident is slim. "I've heard the critics, but I think they'll change their mind when we get the headquarters finished and start doing some real work."

The team is refurbishing a delapidated firehouse on Park Street to serve as their first official station. It will contain the only ghost containment device in the country. At a cost of $34 billion it makes Indiana's Ghostbuster unit one of the most expensive programs in the federal stimulus budget, according to

Councilman Knight fiercely defends the program and praises it as an example of of what is necessary to keep our children safe from terrorists - foreign, domestic, and paranormal. "If we don't have them around, Indianapolis could become just another interdimensional portal for Gozer," he says.

Yzez is willing to take that risk, though several North American cities are now believed to be under the control of Gozer the Destructor, overlord of the dark realm of Sumer. "I don't know who this guy is, or where Sumer is, but he can't be that powerful...can he?"

A special session of the Indiana General Assembly has been called to discuss the possibility of cutting off funding for the Ghostbusters unit. The first public hearing will be May 19th. Those interested in attending should check for details.

Story by Ed Rudisell