Saturday, October 31, 2009

Rising foreclosures put strain on
local specialized workforce

Indianapolis, Ind. -- The nation's housing market hit a thirty year low last fall and has been slowly trying to make gains ever since. The local Indy market was not able to avoid the national trend and it saw foreclosures hit the highest rates since the late 70's. As more and more people lose their job more houses are foreclosed which then, in turn, leads to more job loss. One job sector that operates here in Indianapolis, as well as around the world, normally avoids job cuts during economic downturn but with such high foreclosure rates even this specialty couldn't avoid it.

"You know the economy is bad when even the paranormal industry is showing consecutive months of jobs lost, says Indianapoliser Paranormalologist Crane Vickers, just last Tuesday twelve more ghosts were laid off at 30th and Central due to the houses they haunted being empty. Those twelve have been employed at those locations since the 60's but you can't work if there's no one there haunt."

Those twelve ghosts are just the latest casualties of an economic crisis that continues to see job loss. Overall, more than five thousand local spirits have had to be given pink slips since the September of last year.

Unfortunately experts see a jobs outlook that is quite poor for an industry that has historically been very robust. Since death is so certain the Paranormal business is always full of new recruits. It is estimated that only 7% of the earth is haunted so the sky seems to be the limit and it would seem this area of jobs would be safe. That would be the case if there were no afterlife rules. Vickers has found a brief version of these afterlife rules on the internet.

According to Wikipedia when a person dies, if they choose to stay around and work as a ghost they cannot decide where they may haunt. They are restricted to within fifty yards from exactly where they pass on or fifty yards from where they called home. This rule was in place to eliminate the monopoly hospitals had on ghost employment. This decision as to where one would like to haunt is made right after passing through the now famous white light.

Once through the light, to the left is a receptionist that accepts paranormal applications. If one chooses to become a ghostly employee they can fill out a form there. If not, they continue past the receptionist to meet up with St. Peter. Once a would be ghost chooses where he or she wants to haunt, they are eternally fixed at that location. Because of that, an astonishing 89% of ghosts haunt houses rather than fields, forests, lakes, or canyons. Once their home which they haunt is vacated, there is a thirty day grace period where a new family must move in. If nobody moves in within thirty days, the ghost or ghosts of the house are given pink slips and sent on to the next level of the afterlife.

"I guess I'll just pack my bags and return to my home in the alternate universe, says Jesper McDougle who has haunted a house near Washington and Tibbs for the last twenty eight years, I lived my real life on the near west side and was quite happy living my after life there too."

McDougle's case has become far too common here in central Indiana. The increase in job losses along with the constant flow of new recruits interested in ghostly employment have some advocates suggesting a Paranormal Industry bailout. While some experts think a bailout to this industry is highly unlikely, others think there is a good chance they'll be included if a new bailout bill hits the Senate floor. Another option that is rumored to be under discussion in several Congressional Committees is changing the 30 day period to 2 years. Those for the grace period change argue that this will keep many spirits employed. Those against argue that taxpayers would have to pay for ghosts who are in vacated houses and not scaring anyone.

"The Paranormal Industry certainly has powerful lobbyists in Washington, says Jermaine Ulseth a Wall Street speculator, DC is full of long time ghost employees and they have had heavy influence since it became the permanent capital in 1783. Plus they just added a new ally in Ted Kennedy."

The future of the Paranormal Industry seems to be in limbo. Local workers try to remain positive and look to the slight decrease in foreclosures plus the increase in existing home sales for hope. While Washington mulls a possible bailout for yet another industry or a change in the afterlife laws, central Indiana ghosts promise to fight and scare to save their jobs even though they know at anytime they could be sent on to the next level of their afterlife.