PLAINFIELD, IN – An astonishing omission alerted local authorities to a group of homegrown pagan terrorists on a mission from hell. Tommy Lawrence, the fat little porker who lives down the street from me, announced that he, along with 1,000 other little shits, plan to drain the county of its dwindling candy supply in the near future. His announcement came Thursday afternoon from the footsteps of his parents’ front porch.Key members of the satanic sect were arrested last night as they took what they believed were high-fructose powered waxed lips at Anderson Orchard from undercover P.P.D. officers. Other members of the sleeper cell are still at large and local papers suggest they plan to strike between the hours of 6 and 9 p.m., this Saturday, October 31.
"This is unquestionably Plainfield’s finest hour. The best resources of our Police Department, Homeland Security, Best Buy Geek Squad and the FBI kept us safe," said Teddy McLane, local old guy and frequent Hardees customer. A veteran of the Korean War, he also noted, “we need to bomb the shit out of someone now, Ike would never have stood for this kind of crap.”
The terror group has been nicknamed the Jr. Jihadists by local authorities. The chubby little pranksters range in age from seven to thirteen years-old. Their elaborate scheme involved dressing as supernatural creatures and carrying out a slow, deliberate ground offensive, starting in west Plainfield and marching north through greater Hendricks County.
An unrepentant, Tommy Lawrence barked orders to members of his group while police hauled his husky frame off to juevie haul.
“Hit’em hard! And hit’em where it counts,” Lawrence screamed through his chocolate milk-crusted mouth. “If they have ‘fun size’ Snickers go for the pantry where the jumbo sizes are likely stored. And don’t bother wiping the dog shit off your shoes!”
Authorities are confident they broke-up the plot, but still recommend members of the community only keep b-rate candy on hand this weekend – like those nasty little wax-wrapped walnut flavored turds everyone tries to trade the day after Halloween.
“We believe town residents have nothing to fear,” said Sgt. Walcott of P.P.D. “But, if any costumed jihadist threaten your homestead this weekend, a claw-hammer to the side of the temple should give them pause.”
