Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Souder Resigns, Unoriginally

WASHINGTON — Family values conservative, abstinence-only education proponent, douchey-looking douchebag, US Representative Mark Souder of Ft. Wayne resigned his congressional seat after admitting to an affair with part-time staffer, Tracey Meadows.

At a press conference yesterday morning, most reporters turned off their recorders and stopped listening after the word "affair" was said. It’s assumed Souder went on to say a bunch of crap about spending more time with his family and possibly the family dog. He, no doubt, mentioned the importance of his faith and how much he loved America too. He probably even talked about continuing to serve his country somehow and used the word "regret" four to six times. Without actually listening to the speech it’s hard to determine exactly how many clich├ęs or sports metaphors may have been used.

Meadows was unavailable for comment. Very few details about her have emerged so far. She is known as a staunch supporter of abstinence-only education (whoops) and she spent countless, fun-filled hours on Souder’s staff.

Reporting by C. Bommarito