Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Third Stall Glory Hole Temporarily Closed for Repairs

LOST RIVER, IN – A glory hole located at Big Jake’s Saloon is temporarily closed for maintenance. According to Big Jake, owner and operator of the bar and its glory hole, the maintenance service includes widening the glory hole in order to attract a broader demographic to the saloon.

Regulars speculated the glory hole just needs a proper spring cleaning, disinfecting and polish. However, glory hole engineers from Rose-Hulman Institute of Technology have been brought in to perform a complete reconstruction. Project manager, Hank Genoa, said the project has two goals.

“We’re really trying to work both ends of the shaft on this project. While the glory hole does need a good polish, we decided widening the glory hole is necessary for future growth," said Genoa. "By expanding the hole, we also increase the variety of dicks that can be placed in it. This glory hole project has become a mouthful, but we really needed to double-up on our options.”

Genoa also hinted that a brass ring would be fitted to the glory hole, in order to soften sharp edges after the larger hole is cut. The antique brass also provides users with an authentic, old-tymie glory hole experience.

Patrons of the bar will have to endure traffic constraints around the 3rd stall in the men’s restroom. A marked detour, leading to the 4th stall, will enable glory hole enthusiasts’ access to another shitter but no alternate glory hole will be provided.

“We expect the loss of the glory hole, while only temporary, will erect an excess of unsatisfied customers,” stated Big Jake. “We'll take a blow to our business from this, but we’ll come through it.”

The glory hole expansion project reaffirms Big Jake’s commitment to improve social restroom behavior and stimulate the local market one dollar at a time. An estimated four jobs will be created by the glory hole project, not including the influx of new glory hole attendants who will likely pour in and cram the completed glory hole.

Construction crews are set to start work on the glory hole as soon as the proper permits are obtained from the County City Office of Glory Hole Construction and displayed in proper manner.

The peephole to the women’s restroom will not be affected while construction takes place, but will not serve as an alternate glory hole. No time table has been set for the re-opening of the glory hole. And throughout construction Thursday will remain ladies' night at Big Jake's

Story by Hate Nurst