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Friday, September 10, 2010

Friday Sports Shorts


Tom Brady: Media Whore

The Patriots precious QB has dominated the news cycle this week. First, Brady was involved in a two-vehicle accident Thursday morning when a minivan collided with his vehicle and knocked over a light post. Fortunately, Gisele was not in the vehicle and not injured. Earlier today, New England announced Brady agreed to a four-year, $72M contract extension. No word on how this news has affected Gisele.

Ugoh Comes to Grips with Change

The National Football League changed a lot during Tony Ugoh’s long career. Since 2007, Ugoh has started 24 games and amassed just as many injuries, preventing him from becoming a reliable Left Tackle. His Colts career ended this week when he was cut from the team.

"I didn’t take it so well,” said a blubbering Ugoh. “I resorted to eating pint after pint of Ben and Jerry’s Americone Dream and watching Steel Magnolia’s on a continuous loop on Blu-ray. But then I got even worse news and I don’t know what to do with myself now.”

Ugoh received confirmation Curtis Painter made the Colts roster for a second straight year. The thought of being out of the NFL and Painter -- who has the speed of a cheetah missing three legs -- making the roster haunts the former second-round draft pick. Ugoh currently spends his days watching reruns of The Andy Griffith Show, playing with his Tickle Me Elmo, and organizing his grass blades collection, while Curtis Painter plays in the NFL.

Hulkster Leg-Drops Hospital Visit

Hulk Hogan was released from a Florida hospital earlier this week after being admitted on Monday for severe back pain. Little Hulk-a-maniacs all around the world initially wondered if the Hulkster had received the ultimate suplex from God, but Hogan quickly quelled those concerns when he posted a Twitvid of himself dropping a massive elbow on an emergency room intern. The Hulkster later released a Twitvid of himself locking his fiance, Jennifer McDanial,in a full-nelson while declaring, “First workout after back surgery, brother!”

NFL Opener Leaves Fantasy Football Nerds Confused

Last night’s season opener between the Vikings and Saints also kicked off the regular season of emotional confusion for fantasy football fanatics everywhere.

Local fantasy enthusiast Eric Breitzman is the proud owner of the Saints Defense but also has Adrian Peterson as his starting running back. “I’m down with Peterson scoring but it’s really going to fuck up my defensive scoring.”

Breitzman was elated the Saints D shut-down Peterson, although he was mildly depressed that Peterson didn’t score a touchdown.

Clint Session Fun Facts

  • Everything is bigger in Texas, especially Clint Session's blood-lust.
  • The devil sold his soul to Clint Session.
  • Clint Session can smell fear, like a skank can smell Axe body spray.
  • Clint Session is the nation's leading cause of pain-killer addition.
  • There are two types of outside linebackers in the NFL. Ones who suck and Clint Session.
  • It's always sunny wherever Clint Session goes, because the sun never sets on a baddass.
  • Clint Session can believe it's not butter. Always has.
  • Clint Session is so cool he has his own theme music that follows him around, performed live by the Wu Tang Clan - including ODB!
  • Some regret that they have but one life to give to their country. Clint Session has ten lives and regrets nothing.
  • Clint Session didn’t cut his dreads, he stopped them short of gaining yardage.
  • During college Clint Session played every defensive position on the field… at the same time!
  • Behind every successful man there's a woman. Behind every unconscious running back there's Clint Session.
  • Staring directly at Clint Session for too long can lead to false starts, blood loss and early death in certain situations.
  • Scientists renamed the Speed of Sound the Speed of Clint Session.
  • Clint Session can injure quarterbacks by just watching them on TV. The Colts don't allow him to watch film of Peyton.
  • Clint Session doesn’t tackle. He provides near death experiences.
  • Clint Session would be on the FBI's most dangerous list, if he wasn't our nation's greatest defense.
  • The NFL has been forced to change the stat Tackles to Clint Sessions.
  • Clint Session's beard could provide clothing for all the homeless children of the world. Too bad he never shaves.
  • Snapped necks far outnumber snap counts when Clint Session is on the field.
  • There is no chin under Clint Session’s beard. Only another beard, covering a fist.
  • Last year, after a playoff game, several Colts players pissed their names in the snow. Clint Session pissed his name in the concrete.
Reporting by C. Bommarito, Dudley Dawson & Hate Nurst