Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Local Drug Maker Working on Morning Before Pill

INDIANAPOLIS -- Ten years ago, Levonelle developed the mistake-fixing wonder drug known as the “morning after” pill. The Indianapoliser spoke with a source at a local pharmaceutical giant, on the condition of anonymity, who reports the company is jumping into the irresponsible sex market and currently developing a “morning before” pill.

“This product is not meant to be a one-stop birth control,” claims the inside source. “It is intended for the responsible woman, who plans on an irresponsible evening. You know, when you get your drink-on at a dive bar and don’t want to take any chances. Afterall, it just takes one Smirnoff-fueled evening with a Circle City Mall parking lot attendant at Ike & Jonesy’s.”

The morning before pill, nicknamed “The Blow Blocker,” targets women between the ages of 16 - 30 and pre-menopausal cougars between ages 45 - 60. Sources claim the pill is 99.9 percent effective in test trials with only a few side effects, including: leg twitching, arm twitching, leaky stool, trichotillomania (compulsive self-pulling of hair) and, in rare cases, pregnancy.

Still, the drug maker remains confident in its new product, despite the low chance of patients becoming pregnant while on the pill.

“Our research indicates only a very small percentage of men are willing to have sex with a woman who can't control her arms, legs or bowels and constantly pulls out her own hair,” said the source. “And as an added bonus, some test patients have experienced memory blackouts while on the drug. This could help make bad one-night stands even more forgettable.”

Release date is set to coincide with the 2011 prom season.

Story by Dudley Dawson