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Thursday, July 15, 2010

Budget cutbacks inspire Shelbyville to replace bridges with jump ramps


SHELBYVILLE, IN – The current economic climate has forced Shelbyville to get creative with its budget in order to ensure essential services are fully financed. The struggling town will soon begin implementing its plan to cut spending while providing amusement to the prosaic community.

"Bridges are a thing of the past. The future has no need for them. Quite frankly, they’re dangerous," said Shelbyville Auditor, Roscoe Petty. “The last thing we need is a bridge collapse and a Shelbyville smear campaign featured around the clock on CNN. Plus, there's the additional benefit of saving Shelbyville some dough."

Starting August 1 all bridges within Shelbyville city limits will be demolished and replaced with state-of-the-art ramp systems. Upon completion, these inclined planes will propel cars, trucks, buses, wheelchairs, segways, Smart Cars and other modes of transportation dangerously, yet excitedly, through the air. Drivers will now be required to defy the laws of gravity within Shelbyville city limits. To prevent accidents, the Shelbyville Department of Transportation will install minimum speed signs approximately one half mile before each jump.

"This idea was generated while watching the television show 'Dukes of Hazard.' The infamous Duke brothers seemed to jump every body of water, sans bridge mind you, in order to get from point A to point B,” says Shelbyville DOT Commissioner Jesse Coltrane. “As a town, we aspire to be just as carefree and in your face."

Each Shelbyville resident will be obligated to enroll in the Rick Seaman Stunt Driving Online Academy to learn the basic proper ramp jumping protocols. This training will be free of charge to the community.

Story by Dudley Dawson