Armstrong Nuts Up and Comes Clean
Professional liar and former cyclist, Lance Armstrong, admitted to faking cancer this week. Armstrong told Oprah Winfrey in an exclusive interview that he injected his testicles with cancer to gain access to hospital meds and banned performance enhancing drugs while in recovery. It was all part of his broader, maniacal scheme to dupe the cycling world, gain lucrative endorsement deals and embarrass the French. He also took a moment to plug his new LIESTRONG bracelet, all proceeds from which go to support disgraced former athletes.
Te’o Linked to More Fake Dead Girls
Devout moron, Manti Te’o, is being called the Wilt Chamberlain of fake dead Internet girls after admitting earlier this week to dating more than 10,000 dead women from the Internet and fathering a dozen fake Internet children while at Notre Dame. Teammates claim Te’o frequently bragged about his swagger with the ladies on the web, but never got the chance to meet them in person because they were always either visiting family in another state, modeling in Europe or living in Canada. But, teammates were assured these ladies were all very, very real and like, super hot. But, one by one, they tragically died before friends got the chance to see them in person.
“I’m a little relieved to be honest,” said Brian Kelly, Notre Dame head coach. “All these girls ended up dead, I just assumed he was some sort of psycho killer. This is much better.”
Investigators are now looking into whether or not Manti Te’o’s grandmother ever actually existed.
Indianapolis Gets a Minor League Team for a Minor Sport
Dozens of local soccer fans celebrated the news that some league will bring a professional soccer team to Indianapolis in 2014.
Soccer, played mostly by children in the United States and adults in Europe, the developing world and other lesser places is a game that involves pointlessly running around a field for 90 minutes. Occasionally the ball is kicked into a net resulting in a “goal.” The game is much like hockey, in that no one really cares about it.
If you’d like to play in this league you must sign-up before season registration ends on March 1. The league is also looking for local moms with mini-vans to drive the team to road games.
Arians Dumps Colts, Picks Birds Over Bolts
Indianapolis Colts Offensive Coordinator Bruce Arians just signed on as the Head Coach for the Arizona Cardinals. Arians was a front runner for jobs in Chicago, Philadelphia, and San Diego. Sources say he passed on the Chargers job in favor of the Cardinals, despite San Diego’s larger talent pool.
“The interview went well with Tom (Telesco),” said Arians. “They have a lot of special players there and I think they are on their way up. But, then I met Philip Rivers face to face. Holy crap, what a douchebag. You can’t pay me enough money to be in the same town as that ass hat. I’d rather take over a team where I have to post tryouts for a QB rather than tutor him!”
Brian Kelly Weighs All Options
After Notre Dame’s tough loss to Alabama in the BCS National Title game, Brian Kelly immediately went a week long whiskey bender. Rather than saying goodbye to his seniors Kelly ripped through four bottles of Jamison and was found in Philadelphia by the Notre Dame Athletic Department interviewing for Eagles head coaching position.
“I’m under contract with Notre Dame for a few more years but there’s nothing wrong with unzipping my pants to see if anyone else is interested,” said the drunken Irishmen. “I don’t give a fuck where or what I coach!” Kelly then blacked out.
It’s been reported that Kelly slept through a second interview with the Eagles that had been scheduled last Saturday morning.
After the initial interview Kelly left the country, going on a week long whiskey and beer tour. He was seen in England, Vancouver and Los Angeles interviewing for various coaching positions.
Saturday afternoon Kelly awoke at his desk in the Guglielmino Athletics Complex, where he chased two Advil with some Coors Light and announced he was staying at Notre Dame
ESPN filing lawsuit against Redskins and NFL for playoff field conditions
ESPN officially filed a lawsuit against the Washington Redskins for their field conditions prior to the Seahawks/Redskins game. The lawsuit claims the Redskins field negligence directly led to Robert Griffin III’s knee injury and lost the game for the Redskins.
“Now, without RGIII in the playoffs we have to show highlights of other teams we just don’t care about,” pouted ESPN morning host Mike Greenberg. “RGIII is the greatest to ever play football and we have to be able to show highlights year round. Its just not fair!”
With RGIII and the Redskins out of the playoffs, ESPN would like the NFL to award all positive playoff statistics of remaining quarterbacks to RGIII. For example, they would like to see the three touchdowns Joe Flacco tossed in Baltimore’s win over the Broncos tied to RGIII instead of Flacco Regardless of who wins the Super Bowl, ESPN would like the championship tied to the Redskins so they can start calling RGIII a Super Bowl Champion.