Friday, June 11, 2010

FSS: Hooligan Edition

Conference Falls

The long-awaited NCAA major conference reshuffling began in earnest this week. On Thursday Colorado left the Big 12 to join the Pac 10, leaving both conferences numerically challenged with eleven teams each. Today, Nebraska announced they will leave the Big 12 (11) and join the Big 10(11), making it the New Big 12?

Neurotic sports columnists and loudmouth former athletes who ESPN refers to as "analysts" speculate this is just the beginning. Missouri, Pitt, Rutgers and Notre Dame are rumored to be joining the Big 10(12) as well. And Texas is rumored to be moving to either the Pac 10(11) or the NFL's AFC West. These moves have left many athletic directors scratching their visor-clad heads.

“With the addition of Nebraska and the possibility of adding Notre Dame to our schedule, we're getting the fuck out of dodge," said IU Athletic Director Fred Glass. "We can't get a bowl bid now and we play Indiana State and Eastern Kentucky! Is Conference USA accepting entries?”

These Trojans are Tainted

As expected, the NCAA dropped the hammer on the University of Southern California this week for a lack of institutional control. Their punishment will include: a two-year post-season ban, loss of scholarships, a severe pay decrease for all current players, celebrity endorsements will be limited to B-List and E! Network stars. All 2004 wins and Snoop Dogg appearances for the past four years will be vacated. Reggie Bush will be forced to date the much uglier Khloe Kardashian, and Pete Carroll will only be allowed to send third party accomplices to retrieve maple bars from his favorite breakfast eatery, Top-Pot Doughnuts. Douche bag, Lane Kiffen, will keep his title of Douche Bag.

World Cup Officials and Fans Brace for Salty Language

Brazilian soccer referees, who will officiate tomorrow's match between USA and England, were given a crash course in English curse words earlier this week. The officials need to understand when players swear at them, so they can appropriately administer yellow cards.

While American sports fans are accustomed to crass language and lewd behavior at sporting events the Brits take it to the next level, most notably in their casual use of the "C word."

The "C word" flows freely from the tooth-mangled mouth of everyone in the UK, from the orphaned shoe-shine boy or charming chimney-sweep on the street to the Queen Mum herself. But here in the States, that filthy, unholy word is hated by men and women of all stripes and used only by drunken misogynists and jilted trailer park queens in the heat of battle.

US soccer fans are recommended to watch Real Housewives reality shows and Jerry Springer reruns to properly desensitize themselves.

Good Guys

The 22nd annual Good Guys Hot Rod Nationals kick off today and run through the weekend. Hundreds of original and modified classic muscle cars will be on display for competition. This year Andy Bradberry intends to shake things up.

"I'm entering Gwen, my baby blue Smart Car,” says Bradberry. “I call her Gwen because I've given her some spunk like Gwen Stefani! There ain't no holla back girl!"

Gwen is lowered onto 8-inch tires, has chrome straight pipes to give her a louder 'humming' noise and boasts an intense battle between a unicorn and minotaur painted on her hood. Bradberry feels confident Gwen will do well in this weekend’s show competitions even though he has already been docked 15 points for entering a vehicle with an average gas mileage higher than seven miles per gallon.