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Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Brainard: WTF? Mayor speechless after Ballard's bold move

CARMEL -- Carmel Mayor James Brainard was speechless following the startling announcement that Indianapolis was going to close Monument Circle to traffic in August.

"Really?" he said. "I have been trying so hard to raise public opinion about roundabouts for years ­ and thought that was going well ­ but this blunder sets the cause back decades."

Indianapolis city officials, who declined to go on record, have been trying to get their collective heads out of their asses since Mayor Greg Ballard's announcement but none have been able to do so. Even the mayor has been spotted with his head up his ass and a box of tissues in his hand since his bold move.

"This ought to send a clear message to Carmel that we don't cotton to their types around here," said a beaming Ballard. "They spend all that money to build these circles and with a stroke of a pen, I close the biggest roundabout in the state ­ just like that. It's a powerful feeling, you know?"

By closing Monument Circle, Ballard is hoping to attract even more homeless people and hot dog vendors than are already there. "It's all about the green," he said. "The homeless will love it because they won't have to move for cars and the hot dog people will be able to line the streets and sell their wares to everyone without nasty exhaust fumes mixing with the smell of the hot dog water. Mmmmmmmmmm hot dog water."

Plans are also in the works for a permanent mime station, a little house for Santa and cartoonists to take up shop. There are also options out for skeet ball, shoot-a-hoop and a putt-putt course that you hit the ball into the Monument on the last hole. "Now these are businesses that will stimulate our economy," said Ballard.

"We've had requests from all over the world to open up businesses on the Circle," said Ballard's spokesperson Bob "I'd Sell My Mother for A" Buck, noting a North Korean businessman's submission for a "Squab on a Stick" stand. "People will flock to the Circle for that," said Buck. "Patrons will be able to catch, kill and cook their own Squab. Where else in the country can you do that!" said Buck adding, "this will be a gold mine."

"By adding these viable interests and businesses, the Circle will become a destination and not the destination it already is," said Ballard. "It will become Indianapolis' version of the working man's Branson, Mo.

"Getting around in and maintaining the history of the city isn't really a main priority of this administration," said Ballard. "We are more interested in seeing how much we can change the city without costing taxpayers any money."

In addition to the added income, Ballard is also pleased with closing the Circle because "it will continue to fuck up the commuters from Carmel who work downtown. Way too many people from Carmel work here and this along with closing every other major artery from Carmel, should add another 10 to 15 minutes on their their already arduous drive," said a grinning Ballard.

"This should back up traffic in the morning and at night real good," he said." Maybe they (people from Carmel) should just stay up there and leave us Southsiders alone," he said.

Brainard, who fell into a deep coma of depression after the announcement hinted he was opposed to the closing. "A circle represents never-ending life," he said. "The whole city of Indianapolis was built around this Monument so to close it is fucking stupid," he said while posing for a statue of himself to be placed in front of his new opera center. "Driving around the Circle to see the Christmas lights is a rite of passage for many," said the Carmel boss. "But now, all we'll be able to do is sit and eat hot dogs or squab on a stick. It's a waste of a good roundabout."

By Frank Bivoac

(Editor's Note: Email your city officials, boycott what you can so this ill-conceived plan doesn't happen. Closing the Circle is a Monumental mistake. It will ruin downtown Indianapolis. City officials have tried to downplay this idea since their original trial balloon was floated in the media, but don't let them know how you feel.)