Monday, June 21, 2010

More young men observed 'Bringin the Ruckus' at Dave shows

NOBLESVILLE, IN – The Dave Matthews Band, commonly referred to as
simply "Dave," has been a popular summer concert staple for
more than a decade. The shows attract several thousand music lovers each year.
However, reports of young concert-goers "bringin the ruckus" has risen
dramatically during the last ten years.

Dave concerts started out as a gathering of young women and stoned
fraternity brothers who appreciated some acoustic guitar and long
jams. Over the years, more young men realized chicks prefer Dave over
Disturbed, Nickelback, and Cannibal Corpse. In turn, they began listening to
Dave in an attempt to get laid. However, this new portion of the male
population has showed a great willingness to break out and bring the
ruckus at any point, even in the middle of a Dave song.

“Dave music is ok," says Chet Schroeder. "The chicks
love it so I have to. It ain't kick ass like 5 Finger Death Punch but I ain't
scared to beat some hippy's ass if he looks at my woman at one of those Dave shows. It ain't Theory of a Deadman but I’m just trying to get my dick wet!”

Indianapoliser ruckusicians have found what they consider to be the
problem. As more men arrive at Dave shows it creates an abundance of
wiener in the crowd. This results in more aggressive and possessive
behavior. Scientists have tracked ruckus events at Dave shows in Indy
since 1998. The trend is moving upward at an alarming rate.

"What we have here each year is a large scale sausage fest," says
Kevin Harmeyer, Indianapoliser Senior Concert Ruckusician. "When you
see guys in an all guy environment, such as a fraternity or elite golf club, there is less infighting. Once you add a few chicks to the mix all bets are off and guys
begin fighting over pussy that, for all they know, could be covered in venereal warts. Not say'n this from experience, I'm just say'n."

Just about every drug known to man has been incorporated to aid this
growing part of the male population who attend Dave shows. These drugs
allow the males to loosen up as they try to serenade a possible one
night stand with "Jimi Thing" or "Trippin Billies." Oftentimes these
drugs are mixed or overused causing ruckus-bringing incidents.

In 2004, seven men were arrested after they each took 29 hits of the
drug Ecstasy and then gang-banged a Volkswagen Beetle because they saw
two hot chicks in it earlier that night.

In 2006, police and firecrews were called in to put out a fire at the back of the lawn that was started by four men who thought they could impress their dates by setting off a barrage of 'out of state' fireworks they purchased online. 37 people were sent to the hospital after this unfortunate incident.

Finally, last year police were called to the Green Acres campgrounds
because a naked man was running around the campsite attempting to
bring the ruckus to anyone who looked at his wang incorrectly. It was
later revealed the man had used PCP, mushrooms, and cocaine, all of
which made him quite hard to control. Ten officers, tasers, and an
attack dog were all needed to subdue the exposed brother of Sigma
Gamma Omega.

Story by Dudley Dawson