FISHERS, IN – A giant ball of fire ripped through the MidWestern Life Insurance office on E 96th St. Tuesday morning. The incident left four dead, two others in critical condition and several in stitches.According to employees on the scene, the damage was caused by the greatest office prank ever attempted. The explosion occurred shortly after 9:00 a.m., while most employees were still shooting the shit, getting coffee or checking their fantasy sports standings. Police and emergency vehicles arrived within minutes to find several employees still doubled-over laughing, a few of them seriously injured.
“That was so awesome,” said James Hattaway, a 21 year-old office intern, as he was being carted off to the hospital. "I don't know how many people got banged-up. But, it was so worth it. I'll tell my grandkids about that one." Hattaway later died from internal injuries.
Authorities are still investigating the cause of the blast. But, all signs point to Josh Durbin, legendary master of office Tom Foolery. His previous office pranks include suspending office supplies in jello, replacing important spreadsheets with centerfold spreads during an annual report meeting and screwing the office copy machine during the 2008 holiday party, all of which look amateurish now.
“I don't know how he pulled this one off. He must have planned it for months," said office manager Keith Adams. "Even after all the excitement, I couldn’t help but to laugh. In fact, I laughed so hard I cried. Then I really did cry, due to all the deaths, but I still ended up laughing my balls off again. God, that was classic!”
Investigators on the scene are filtering through the clues, which include: a blow torch, a charred pair of Hanes boxer briefs, a carcass of some sort of rodent, and an oven mitt still clutching a pair of Bobby Flay Locking Grill Tongs. Local beekeepers were also called in to help contain the swarms of bees coming from an unknown second floor office.
Eye witnesses have been relatively mum while being questioned on the events leading up to the pranks conclusion, only sharing a few details about the incident. Most witnesses report seeing their own eyebrows being cooked off by a bluish-red flame of light. Some even reported seeing Durbin’s ass cresting over the copy room cubicle before being blinded by the celestial glow. Most, however, have been silenced by their own laughter.
This was the most fatal office prank on record since the Hack-right Tool Co. disaster that rocked Grand Rapids, Mich. in 2007, killing three office workers and leaving several others limbless. Sadly that prank turned out to be much more gruesome than it was funny.
Story by C. Bommarito
