Monday, November 9, 2009

Static electricity may cause
the end of humanity in 2012

A group of self-taught scientists known as the Global Awareness of Static coalition (GAS), believes that it has proven that worldwide static electricity levels have risen dramatically over the past 25 years and may reach lethal levels by the year 2012. And gang warfare may be the culprit.

Last year, Ruben McFadden, Senior GAS Researcher and Dungeons and Dragons Level 64 Elf, observed strange behavior as he examined his rarely-used comb under a microscope. “I expected to see a small electrical discharge from the static buildup,” he said. “What I found weren't protons and electrons, but particle-sized gang members in Mayan and Aztec armor.”

McFadden believes that the tiny jolt from static electricity isn't electricity at all. “I've confirmed that the shock comes as a result of these Mayan and Aztec gangs fighting each other,” he says. “When one is killed, a tiny shock is felt.”

Tim Runyon, GAS archaeologist and Civilization III expert, has been delving deeper into the mystery. He's spent the last 10 years examining dioramas in local museums and pictures on the internet. During a 2006 lecture in McFadden's grandmother's basement, Runyon stated that Mayans and Aztecs were not only well-versed in mathematics and astrology, but excelled in static electricity studies.

“It seems pretty obvious that static electricity played a large role in the everyday life of these great cultures,” he said. “In both civilizations it was considered the highest honor to be sacrificed to Hank, the God of Static Electricity.”

Then McFadden offers the bad news. “We discovered a previously unknown Mayan calendar, Hank’s Fabulous Static Electricity Level calendar. While this is a separate calendar than the one most scientists are familiar with, it does appear to point to a transformation in the year 2012.

Thaddeus LaBouf, GAS Asst. Secretary of Hovercrafts and Level 32 World of Warcraft Archer, explains that online legend tells a tale of an Aztec spy that stole a copy of Hank's Fabulous Static Electricity Level calendar started a school that taught the teachings of Hank.

“This act angered the Mayans and started a bitter rivalry,” continues LaBouf. “and the Mayans placed a curse on the Aztecs forcing them to continue the war in the afterlife as tiny soldiers.” But what secrets about the fate of man does Hank's Fabulous Static Electricity Level calendar hold?

LaBouf explains that static electricity levels will see a sharp increase between 1995 and 2010. “This is a time of intense posturing by each mini ancient gangster,” he says. “In 2010, the gangs will begin to arm themselves with much stronger weapons.”

The result of this arms buildup will have real-world effects for humans. “The static shock from touching metal after rubbing your feet on the carpet will be more like pressing your tongue to your car battery,” says LaBouf.

Skeptics have made claims against the veracity of these statements, but LaBouf points to predictions from Hank's Fabulous Static Electricity Level calendar that have already come to pass.

LaBouf points to the insciption that reads On July 15th 1989, it will be cloudy in the northwest and the ocean will have waves. “Clearly this predicted the debut album of the great band, Nirvana,” he says.

GAS's translation of Hank's Fabulous Static Electricity Level calendar claims that it will snow in northeast America on December 31st, 2011 and it will be warm in the South Pacific. “This obviously points to the final showdown between the Aztecs and Mayans,” states McFadden. “Though, what that means, exactly, is up in the air.”

Story by Dudley Dawson