Sunday, November 22, 2009

Nascar unveils the Car of the Day After Tomorrow

HOMESTEAD, Fla. -- Nascar announced today that it will begin integrating an upgrade to the latest Car of Tomorrow for the 2010 season. This new car will be even safer and better for the environment. Nicknamed "The Car of the Day After Tomorrow", it will be introduced in February for the Las Vegas 400.

The basic design of this car is derived from Flintstone automobile technology. Instead of using the CO2-emitting internal combustion engines and heavy safety equipment the cars will be powered entirely by the drivers legs and will be much lighter.

Several drivers voiced opposition after the announcement this morning, citing changes to the design aesthetics of the vehicle. “The car looks like a carriage with a rag top,” said Dale Earnhart Jr. “And where the hell are they going to put my 451 sponsor logos?” He's not alone. A petition is already circulating among the sport's top drivers demanding the repeal of the new green requirements.

The fans have been vocal about their opposition to the change, complaining that they hate the design aesthetics of the car.Chance Trueblood who hasn't missed a Ford 400 race in 34 years, says he will boycott the sport if they make an attempt to implement The Car of he Day After Tomorrow. “Who cares if a few people get hurt?” says Trueblood. “Plus all this green crap is just a bunch of bullshit. The only thing I want green in my Nascar is Junior's car.”

The new car will show a big upgrade in fuel economy, compared to The Car of Tomorrow. The Car of Tomorrow increased fuel economy relative to the old unregulated car by 50%, going from four miles per gallon to six. The Car of the Day After Tomorrow will increase fuel economy to infinity because it will be powered solely by the drivers' legs.

"I know these drivers hate this idea”, says Dell Ferguson, assistant left front tire changer for Hendrick Motorsports. He says the drivers have too much to worry about as things are. Having to concentrate on their feet and legs at the same time may be too much for some of them.“They're going to have to do more physical activity than turning left for three hours and that ain't right.”

A shirtless Ford 400 fan who wishes to be known only as "Trouser Snake" said he doesn't believe that racing is a waste of fuel. "Shit, each driver only uses a few thousand gallons of gas a race. My cousin Kenny uses that much for a weekend pig roast."

Another major drawback that Trouser Snake points to is the length of races. The Daytona 500 normally takes four hours to finish. When the Car of the Day After Tomorrow is implemented, this particular race is predicted to last just under 84 hours. "Fuckin' A. That's a long race, man. And I bet they'll want more money for the tickets. It's all a scam for more money."

Long time race announcer and former Winston Cup champ Darryl Waltrip doesn't seem to mind the new cars. When asked for his thoughts on the change he responded, "Boogity, boogity, boogity!"

Story by Dudley Dawson