Friday, November 13, 2009

Research finds eating Nutella on Friday the 13th can be harmful

Indianapolis, IN - Local Scientists warn that eating Nutella can have possibly severe side effects when eaten on Friday the 13th. The small research facility, Peanut Inc, at Carvel and Broad Ripple Ave has been performing tests and documenting their findings since March of this year when some peculiar events happened.

"We've had some hypotheses kicking around about the possibility of Nutella causing some weird side effects but couldn't seem to find a link, says Terrence Harmon a Peanut lab technician, after months of work we were able to put things together this past March when Brad ate Nutella on Friday the 13th."

"It got really weird with Brad that day, says Greg Moster a Peanut Inc DNA sampler, once he ate Nutella he couldn't go outside in sunlight. He kept yelling 'bright light, bright light'. Later on Jeff accidently spilled water on him and two more Brad like people formed. One even had a mohawk."

What Peanut Inc has found is each Friday the 13th coincides with a solar and lunar alignment. That combined with the goodness of a chocolate/almond spread at just the right consistency, as in Nutella, can cause an unusual bodily alteration. Peanut Inc has discovered that alteration causes side effects such as severe skin irritation from any bright lights especially sunlight, the ability to spawn several clones when in contact with water, and a craving for crystal meth if Nutella is ingested just after 12AM on Friday the 13th.

On any other date, this creamy cocoa spread can be consumed without worry of bursting into flames when exposed to prolonged sunlight or sprinting to Garfield Park to score a few hits of meth. What Peanut Inc has also found is that if Nutella is consumed on Friday the 13th, these side effects do slowly subside on Saturday the 14th. However, if one does eat Nutella after midnight, begins to crave meth, and then consumes meth, that addiction could last much longer.

"I think we can close the book on how Henry Lee Summers got hooked on meth, says Charles Alford a Nutella CSI, we have eye witness accounts that place him in his home spreading Nutella on toast just after midnight on Friday March 13th of this year. I think it's safe to say he successfully scored some meth and went on a bender until being arrested in May."

While Nutella has published these Nutella findings, they are not done with their investigation.

"We have some solid leads and we think we can link Andre Agassi to Nutella just before his crystal meth addiction, says Alford, if that's the case Peanut Inc will push to add Nutella to the list of banned substances for all major sports."

Story by Dudley Dawson