Monday, February 1, 2010

Office creep takes casual Friday too far

INDIANAPOLIS, IN – Quintec Enterprise employees have grown accustomed to George Morrison clipping his toenails at his desk, belching openly, and offering unsolicited advice on a range of topics from dog walking to birth control. But recent events have caused HR to look into incorporating stricter rules for casual Friday.

"When I hear casual Friday, I interpret that to mean dressing the way I would casually lounge around my house,” says Morrison, a mid-level account manager. “I come to work just like I was just walking into another room of my duplex. I wear an over-sized t-shirt and slippers with my lucky Blue Friday joxers at home. I think that's good enough for casual Friday too. Then people started to complain that they could see my underwear, so viola! "

Casual Friday is an institution in many local offices. Some employers encourage a theme such as Hawaiian shirt day or Colts Blue Friday. Other employers, such as Quintec Enterprise, choose to leave casual Friday dress to the discretion of their employees.

"Okay, seriously. Something needs to be done,” says Laura Butler, office temp. “Who in their right mind would think wearing no pants, no underwear, and a Nickelback t-shirt is acceptable at a place of business?"

The visual presentation has become a major weekly distraction. The discomfort level grows more intense when, on occasion, the office air vent hits Morrison’s commando attire just right to expose his erect penis.

"You know if Adam and Eve hadn't eaten that apple this wouldn't be an issue,” says an agitated Morrison. “Occasionally my man stands at attention. I can't help that. But, it's really unprofessional when people stare. Hello! Look at my eyes. I'm up here!"

Morrison's basic office cleanliness has come under fire as well. According to his peers, he has a tendency not to shake sufficiently after urinating. He often leaves a dribble trail from the bathroom back to his desk. The occasional meeting room chair skid mark accompanied by pubes has been noted on several occasions too. This was the final straw for many employees.

“Around 1:30 pm, like clockwork, George is at my cube spouting off about what happened on CSI and how he just spent the past three hours poking holes in their case,” recounts Greg Thompson, a long-time co-worker. “I try not to look at him because his dick is at eye-level. It gets pretty uncomfortable. He could benefit from a little man-scaping, if you ask me. The guy sheds like a husky in August."

Management has taken notice of the large number of complaints. They value providing their employees with the ability to relax at the end of the week. However they plan to re-evaluate their casual Friday policies soon. Many speculate pants will be required in the near future.

Story by Dudley Dawson