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Monday, February 15, 2010

Senator Evan Bayh retires;
reveals his secret identity

INDIANAPOLIS, Ind. -- Seated at an oak desk, in a sparsely decorated conference room at IUPUI, Evan Bayh announced this afternoon that he would not seek another term in the U.S. Senate. An increasingly bleak outlook for the economy, a recently-lost supermajority in the Senate, and mounting pressure on Congress to trim the budget has brought immeasurable attention to the Democrats in Washington. While most U.S. Senators are content to have the attention, Sen. Bayh said that he's had his fill of "earthling" politics.

"I'd like to reveal to the world today that....I'm Superman," announced Bayh to a crowd of shocked political reporters. "I've lived this lie long enough. I owe an explanation to my constituents."

Speculation of Bayh's super-heroics have long been dismissed as barroom chatter in the nation's capital. But, frequent absences from the Senate, his indecisiveness and lack of passion on any key issues led many of his colleages to grow suspicious of his true convictions.

"Seriously, has he done anything at all since he's been here?" said Sen. Harry Reid. "He did co-sponsor that bill to make Rocky Road the national ice cream but, apart from that, I can't remember a single action he's taken. In fact, any time there was a major vote, he was mysteriously absent."

Bayh said it's been painful to maintain such a mundane existence by day while rescuing the young and the feeble at night. And then his super-hero obligations began to spill over into his political life. "I'd hear a scream for help while I was in my office. What was I supposed to do? Go vote? Sorry, not on my watch."

Bayh's friend and presumed successor, Republican Dan Coats, was the only one who knew his true identity.

"He told me that he initially chose to run for a Senate seat because he thought it would be the best place for him to fly under-the-radar," said Coats in an exclusive interview with The Indianapoliser. "He knew masquerading as a Democrat from Indiana was the ideal cover to avoid attention. It really worked out until his constituents started demanding more action from their Senators. He knew his secret identity would be exposed if he continued. This way, it's on his own terms."

A tearful Bayh, or Jor-El as he now prefers, lamented that his alter-ego was never able to fulfill his ultimate goal of mounting a failed run as a Vice-Presidential candidate. "That would have been the pinnacle of ineffectiveness on this planet. "

Story by E. Goldberg