NOBLESVILLE, IN – A Hamilton County man stumbled upon a grizzly scene early Sunday evening. 29 year-old Mathew Brewer unleashed a massive bowel movement at the home of Chris Gainsworth, a close friend and host to Sunday's Super Bowl party.The remains of Brewer's giant shit resembled the rotted corpse of a baby African Bush Elephant. Party patron, Jeff Barnhart, walked-in shortly after the abomination and immediately tossed his recently devoured mashed super skins all over the bathroom tile floor. Home-owner, Gainsworth was unaware of the situation until Brewer joined the rest of the crew in the living room, carrying his stench trail with him.
“Party pooping is a faux pas on gameday!” bellowed Gainsworth, still covering his nose and mouth. “Instead of lounging back and watching the Colts kick some ass, I have to go quarantine the bathroom now! I’ll be scouring the side of the bowl for weeks, but Goddamn that guy has guts."
Still shaken from his discovery, Barnhartt echoed the sentiment. "I shit one place and one place only - Casa de Jeffrey!" he said. "Yeah, I've sacrificed some boxers on the way, but I saved face.”
"I knew it was from the gameday chili," Brewer recalled. "You can classify that shit under 'Japanese Flag.' Hot coming out my asshole, shining red against my white cheeks. But you know what? If Chris has anything to say about it he can go fuck himself for serving inferno-grade chili in the first place. I wiped a half-quart of blood!”
No ass-beatings have been administered yet, but interested parties are keeping a close eye on Brewer's mal-absorption problems.
“We knew Matt’s fat-ass was a liability going into game days,” added Gainsworth. “Unfortunately, he’s our beer guy, so we have to keep him around.”
Story by Hate Nurst
