Friday, March 19, 2010

Go Cubs Go!

A large Toyota advertisement is rumored to be headed to the left field bleachers at historic Wrigley Field in Chicago. The union between the Cubs and the Japanese automaker is a no-brainer.

"This is great for both sides,” says Cubs General Manager Jim Hendry. “We're a lot like a newly recalled Toyota. There are always high hopes and happiness before we get started. Then we pick up speed and crash and burn unexpectedly. At the end of they day we’re just a chaotic, heap of garbage onlookers can’t seem to keep their eyes off.

Ron Washington danced with the Peruvian Lady

Ron Washington recently admitted he tested positive for cocaine last year. Many league officials had their suspicions before the test was administered. Washington made multiple recruiting trips to Columbia, performed excessive cavity searches on his Dominican prospects, insisted hitting practice last from 6a.m. until 4a.m. and frequently exposed his multiple gold chains by never fastening the top three buttons on his jersey. Lastly, he always emerged from the clubhouse with a stripper under each arm and remnants of powdered doughnuts sprinkled in his mustache.

Two out of Three Indiana Schools Win

The Butler Bulldogs and Purdue Boilermakers upset asshole nay-sayers in the national sports media by advancing to the second round of the NCAA tournament. Notre Dame, on the other hand, shit its fucking pants at the sight of Old Dominion. Sorry Irish fans, but don’t worry – only six months until football seas – er, nevermind.

Reporting by C. Bommarito, Dudley Dawson and Hate Nurst