Friday Sports Shorts

Saints Coach Persistent in Riding Cowboys Owner

Last week New Orleans Saints coach Sean Payton made news by convincing a waiter at St. Elmo’s Steakhouse to serve a bottle of wine to his party, which had been reserved for Cowboys Owner and GM Jerry Jones. The next day Jones’ party arrived to find the empty bottle on their table with a note on the label that read, “WHO DAT! World Champions XLIV, Sean Payton”

Apparently, the taunting did not stop there. While leaving Indianapolis, Payton and his party boarded the Cowboys private jet and convinced the pilot to take them to Dallas. While in-flight Payton again wrote “WHO DAT!” on the bathroom mirror with an arrow pointing to an un-flushed mess in the lavatory. Jones’ personal limo driver was then convinced to take Payton to the Jones estate where the Saints coach slept with Gene Jones, Jerry’s wife. Jerry returned home to find a brand on Gene’s fancy ass reading, “WHO DAT! World Champions XLIV, Sean Payton.” Jerry had a huge laugh out of the whole ordeal, as he loaded his pump-action Winchester shotgun.

Manning’s Neck

Wednesday the Colts announced four-time league MVP, Peyton Manning, had surgery to fix a pinched nerve in his neck. The surgery should not affect Manning’s offseason workouts. Manning planned the neck surgery after he experienced some choking discomfort early last month.

Indianapoliser College Basketball Championship Week Predictions

BIG TEN CONFERENCE

Ohio State odds to win: 3 to 1.
Picking the Buckeyes sort of makes you vomit in your mouth a little, but they have the best starting five in the conference.

Purdue odds to win: 10 to 1
The Boilers lost star Robbie Hummel, but they are still an impressive team. However, if Johnson and Moore are both off, they are capable of losing a high school 3A sectional game.

Indiana odds to win: Same odds as being bitten by a great white shark while walking on the moon.

HORIZON LEAGUE

Butler odds to win: 3 to 5
Butler is a dominant conference stand-out this year. The Dogs have not lost a conference game this season, although, this tournament usually produces its share of nail-biters.

Wright State odds to win: 5 to 1
They always play Butler tough. And they are the only other school, in this light-weight conference, that resembles a DI team.

Valparaiso odds to win: Can Bryce Drew play?

SUMMIT LEAGUE

IUPUI odds to win: 3 to 1
Great squad, but plagued by inconsistencies, for example they torched league leading Oakland in a statement game only to lose to the freaking IPFW Mastodons the next game. They have what it takes to win and should head to the Big Dance (where they will, unfortunately, be trounced by a #1 seed).

Oakland odds to win: Who cares, hopefully IUPUI gets back to the tournament.

IPFW odds to win: Same odds as finding ten people in Bloomington who don't think Dane Fife is a total douche.

Big Ten Teams Consider Star Wars Themed Mascots

Big Ten teams have started to contemplate a change to the popular Star Wars themed mascots after Ole Miss’ recent failed attempt to modernize their mascot to Admiral Akbar, leader of the Rebel Alliance.

Indiana University, which currently does not have a mascot, is entertaining the idea of using a Taun Taun for their mascot. This would allow for IU athletic teams to slice the mascot open and hide safely inside the belly while the opposition administers a beat-down.

Purdue has made arrangements to test their Death Star mascot during the Big Ten and NCAA tournaments. After a successful season, in which they easily reeled in their opponents and pummeled them, the Boilermakers will likely meet their maker as an adversary penetrates their defense, creating the routine explosion that typically ends Purdue’s seasons.

Michigan, quick to jump on the bandwagon, hoped to change their mascot from a Wolverine to a Wookie. However, cash-strapped Michigan officials had to lower their sites to the more budget-friendly Ewok.

Reporting by C. Bommarito, Dudley Dawson & Hate Nurst