Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Brainard: Eat silt Indy!
Battle between cities continues, Carmel
claims its shit is better than Indianapolis'

The border wars between Carmel and Indianapolis keep escalating and are getting ranker with each and every day.

Carmel Mayor James Brainard is urging residents through a public relations campaign to "shit at home" for the sake of a better Carmel. Tax money was spent by the state of Indiana to conduct a study of waste treatment plants and the quality of their product - silt. The findings indicate the silt produced by the Carmel plant is, to put it delicately, better than anyone else in the state.

"I attribute that to Angus beef," said Brainard. "We're not just Fat
Bastards here in this city, we watch what we eat and it pays off in the end."

Area farmers are lining up to purchase the byproduct for their fields and with that Brainard is seeing big brown dollar signs. "Indianapolis' shit is crap. Nobody out there except for pig corn farmers want theirs. We have strawberry and sweet corn producers who are climbing the walls to get our shit. Our city is so efficient even our crap turns to gold."

The study, which was funded by the state's Wildlife Department, was conducted to evaluate the quality of the silt being dumped into our rivers and lakes. "Hey, who knew we could grow shit with it," said Wildlife spokesman Jeremiah Butt. "This is much better for everyone. We can dump it on the food we eat and not in the rivers. Now that's what I call a win-win."

Mayor Ballard dispels the results saying the city of Carmel has an unfair advantage. "It takes a lot of money to eat well. Hell, half of our results indicate nothing but White Castle, beef stroganoff flavor mixed with Miller Lite from cans. How can we compete?" Ballard urged.

The market for the Carmel silt has reached even the national level. Experts at Purdue University say crops grown with the silt will produce more per acre than crops not using the silt. "The only issue is when we boiled shit grown sweet corn, the gas emission is pretty intense but the flavor is
quite out of this world," said Professor Scratch and his assistant Herbert Sniff.

But for now, Carmel Mayor Brainard is pretty pleased with his city. "In every roundabout way," he said, while holding a triton and posing nude, for a bronze statue in front of the Palladium, "Carmel is better than Indianapolis. If we could just get out of town, that would be great."

Story by Frank Bivoac