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Monday, January 31, 2011

Friday Sports Shorts










Pacers Lobby for Change

Hoping to change the Pacers losing ways, Larry Bird has petitioned the NBA to shorten the length of games from four to three quarters. In the last three seasons the Pacers have crumbled in the fourth quarter almost every single game. Ending games at the close of the third quarter would put the team in the thick of the playoff hunt.

“It’s the smartest thing in the world,” echoed ousted Pacers coach Jim O’Brien. “I did everything at 75 percent. I still have three-quarters of my hair, of which, 75 percent is still black. I’d say I was doing just fine. Hell, 75 percent is a C for Chrissakes! What’s wrong with a C?”

But when asked about his launching from the team O'Brien said, "I was 75 percent sure they were going to can my ass with half of the season left."


Indian Donor

This week University of Connecticut donor Richard G. Burton made headlines by requesting some of his donation money back after the school’s Athletic Department turned down his request to select the next football coach.

“I’ve got money, so I know how to do everything,” said an angered Burton as he lit his cigar with a flaming fifty-dollar bill. “I’ve never played football or paid attention to UConn football until they went D1, but I stand by my choice of Vince Lombardi.”
Burton argued Lombardi’s skeletal remains in piled on the sideline will motivate the UConn players more than any living coach possibly could.

Demanding more for his donation money started a national trend amongst major donors of all stripes. The Krannart family is demanding the authority to hire professors at their School of Business at Purdue. The family of Ruel W. Steele has asked that highway 37 be changed back into a dirt road. And, after the injury plagued Colts season, Peyton Manning is demanding his $50 million children’s wing at St. Vincent be remodeled as a healing place for NFL players.


Can’t Cutler the Mustard

Numerous unnamed sources have told The Indianapoliser that ESPN is reporting Jay Cutler is still injured from last weekends NFC conference championship game. The Chicago Bears QB did not practice in preparation for the upcoming Super Bowl and was even spotted wearing pedestrian clothes this past Wednesday. Sportscenter Twitter follower MJD, M.D. diagnosed Cutler, from his living room where he has been sitting since week 14 of the regular season, as faking an injury. More as the story develops.