Wednesday, May 18, 2011

5-21-11, Boy promises 'torment' on cookie jar

Indianapolis - Saturday, May 21, Christopher Thorton will return to the cookie jar to judge his sinful morsels.

This is not the first time little Christopher plunged his mighty fist into the ceramic container of chocolate chip cookies, reviewing each cookie’s chip count, and then invoking rapture, down his throat. The rest are left behind and crushed by his stout fingers.

“He does it every Saturday morning,” said Ellen Thorton, Christopher’s sister. “Mom gets the groceries every Friday night and Chris raids the cookie jar when she goes to yoga on Saturday morning.”

Christopher, however, believes it is his duty to “save” the cookies.

“I remember when we went to church and they read a passage, and it said, ‘Above all, you must understand that in the last days scarfers will come, scarffing and following their own evil desires. They will say, where is this ‘cookie’ he promised?’ So I eat these cookies before the scarfers take hold of the jar.”

Rumors of Christopher’s four fingers of the cookie apocalypse have spread throughout the neighborhood yet no one outside of the Thorton home has witnessed the ruination of the cookie jar.

“I’ve heard each finger is a symbol, representing pestilence, war, famine and death to the cookies,” described one of Christopher’s neighbors, whom wished to remain anonymous; for fear that Christopher would thrust his chubby hand through the wall and rein down judgment on his own stash of cookies. “May God have mercy on the forsaken cookies left behind.”

Christopher’s sister, Ellen, knows the end is near. This is why she always sneaks five chocolate chip cookies each week, the night before they go into the jar. She hides them in her room, so her brother may not elect the cookies to his own personal belly of Heaven, and savors the cookies throughout the week.

Story by Hate Nurst